flowmom | need to commit to myself

[Gardener]

okay, fm, I've been rereading back a ways:
First, I agree with EVERYTHING CityGirl says here.
You must - MUST - speak with an attorney.
What does your IC say about this no-win almost cowering-in-a-corner (despite doing more for the family than he does) defensive stance H keeps you in?
Your H basically has you believing that you owe it to him to rescue him and save him from a financial mess of his making so he can finally be through with you, imo.
Call whatever free Legal Aid Society or free Women's Advocacy counseling programs/resources are available.

Should I push him for specifics (like how much he wants me to earn, etc.)?

Only if you are his chattel and he is your master. AND

IMO asking him what he thinks is realistic is fruitless as obviously he thought him moving to a 2 bedroom WAS realistic when clearly the finances do not allow him to do that without your help.

he tells you what he feels you should be earning

This alone is ludicrous. What kind of man male is he?

a full time mom, full time homeschooler and very part time earner

is more than sufficiently pulling your own weight, fulfilling your responsibilities to your family. As current "head" of the family is he working a second or third job to resolve theses messes that he's caused?
Also,

I am afraid of his anger because he looks like he wants to physically fight when he is angry. He has never been physically abusive to me and I'm not worried about that, but I still feel intimidated...it's more like feeling as if I'm a bug under a pin when he's angry.

This is not good. This is controlling. He is consciously intimidating you, keeping you off balance. He, frankly is a f*ck up and tries to get you believe you are one or the cause of him being one.

H basically wants me to report the minutiae to him so that he can make microdecisions based on whether his work agendas that day are more important than mine, etc.

Control, control, control.

the part that I'm afraid of...that that would get the D ball rolling so that he could financially "protect" himself.

Completely, 100% backwards. Make this one of your first questions to your lawyer. If the D ball starts to roll, he is not going to be "protected", he is going to be at least on the hook to take care of his family better financially, and at the most, he'll be nailed to the wall. He knows this. He is trying to avoid this!
Talk to a lawyer!

fm, I'm sorry for being so strident but your sitch - and males like H - infuriates me!
I can't wait to hear from you after you see a lawyer (REAL SOON))

Hugs and strength to you (((fm)))