flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

CG I am going to see a L. My IC's advice NOT to set me back because I was counting on him to advise me on who to see.

IIRC correctly you said you and your H own a one bedroom apartment.

No, we have a 3 br apartment.

If that is the case why did your H need a 2 bedroom?

When we separated he said it was so that it was an appropriate dwelling for the children for custody -- they have their own bedroom

IMO asking him what he thinks is realistic is fruitless as obviously he thought him moving to a 2 bedroom WAS realistic when clearly the finances do not allow him to do that without your help.

I agree with that. But right now he wants me to be part of fixing this mess and doing everything in my power to do that. If I make him spell out his expectations (which I doubt he's done to himself), it shifts the focus from him being mad at me and blaming me to making it more business-like. Then I can address his expectations directly and challenge areas where it's unrealistic, if that's the case.

It would not be unheard of to be granted spousal support for X amount of years for you to (A) find full time work that is steady and reliable or (B) become educated in another field.

Spousal support wouldn't be that much though...Our home has almost doubled in value and if I had to buy H out paying the mortgage would be a serious issue. But I need to get some number crunching happening.

This is why I really don't understand your DB Coach advice to affirm your H for working hard for the family.

It's a 180: I didn't express enough appreciation for H in our M and I realize now how damaging that was. He still is working very hard to pay for the home where I live and the food that I eat. He is not playing financial hardball with me (yet) so I do have reason to be grateful.

IMO your H has set nothing but UNreasonable expectations for a very, very long time. Why do you think NOW he will start to think reasonably and set reasonable expectations as far as finances, childcare and your earning?

I don't think he will, I just want to force him to be explicit about his expectations so that it gets onto business, not venting/blaming.

Your H had a very clear idea of how this will go and now that it is not going quite as smooth as he thought, well, he wants to push more burden back on you.

Yes, surprise surprise getting rid of me doesn't fix everything about his life. But he's found a way to still make it my fault.

Working hard for the family does not mean bringing in money. His hard work for the family should include dealing with his issues (much harder than earning an income) so the family can remain in tact. He has opted not to do that. Fine. But adding further strain to you is only something you can control.

Yes.