'' I had an awakening this morning"

[acsnow]

I have been away for awhile so I thought I would give an update on my sitch.
Nothing much has changed. W and I are still separated (7 months) W in the house me at my brothers. No divorce paper work filed. I am not sure if she is still communicating with the OM. Since I confronted her about it I have not seen or heard anything. Living in a small town where everybody knows everybody I would think I would of heard something. She could be very good at hiding. At this time I am not sure.
I have been GAL. Been going to gym, read a quite a few books, went to Florida back in January with my sister to visit my brother. Did a lot of sight seeing, , went on an airboat ride, saw some alligators, played some golf, went to Daytona Speedway and watched some practice and went to Kennedy Space Center. It was my birthday while in Florida of which my W did txt me happy birthday. It was good to get away. Been going snowmobiling with my buddies as well as going to D18 Bball games. So I have been staying pretty busy.
I did 3 DB coaching session which I highly recommend. DB coach said that it is positive that my W has not filed yet. There have been no R talks except a few wks ago my W and I had our taxes done together. I txt her to see if she wanted to ride together( I know big no no). When I dropped her off at the house she said we have to decide what we are going to do. I said that I don’t want this nor any part of this. I said I would like us to come together and be able to work on our issues. She said I know, but nothing has changed and I don’t feel any different. I said I would not expect your feelings to change right away. I said it would take a lot of time and patience. I did tell her that I would give her $25000.00 and I would refinance house in my name. She said no. She said that was an insult. She said she would buy me out for $50000.00 which is half the equity. I want $ 75000. The issue that I have is that a few years ago we refinanced the house and consolidated her school loans and car loans into the mortgage. I don’t feel as if I should be responsible for those. I am looking for the entire unpaid balance of the school loan and ½ the unpaid balance on the car loan. If I can refinance for what we owe on house plus the $25000 I would be able to afford the mortgage. I did have some equity in the land that the house is on before we even met. I have not even begin to look at that. I may be able to ask for more. I did mention that the courts will look at how much more money she makes and the fact that I would be losing my health ins. ( She makes twice the money I do.) She said you are probably going to want alimony. I said that I was not looking for that. But at least now it is in her head. The other day I had to stop at house to pick up something and she left me a note stating: She said since I have start paying my D college tuition I need to cut my expences. Forgot to mention her D is my stepdaughter. So if we do get divorce, technically I have know financial responsibility toward her. She wants me to start paying for my truck ins, life ins, snowmobile ins, and my portion of the cell phone. Since I am living with my brother and not paying any rent I have no problem with that. She has been paying those since we have been seperated. I am paying half the mortgage and property taxes. My lawyer said what I am doing is fine.
Interesting thing happened at D last b-ball game. My W ex husband wanted to talk to me after the game. He said that he was concerned for his D and that he did not want her to be in the middle because of what is going on between W and I. This man has never been there for his D for the last 16 yrs. I have been her father. He was also pissed off at W because this stuff did not wait till after D graduation. I just listened and validated his concern. Then my W came over and she felt she needed to be part of the conversation since she felt it was about her. By then we were done. I told W what he had said. W did say to me not to pay any attention to what that man has to say. W did say that any issues D has, has to do with him. She also said to me that our D who has been in counseling herself told her counselor that I have been her father and not her biological father. So that made me feel good about myself. Another thing that has happened is that my W ex husband and ex MIL have been talking to D about her own mother and that they believe that W had an affair on ex husband before we even met. W is not very happy about that and has said that they are going to ruin there relationship with D. She feels she should say something. D told mom that I can take care of this. I am 18. I am thinking this whole time while hearing all this. Here my W is bitching about her ex and all the stress he has caused, what the hell is wrong with me.
The only contact that wife and I have, is at our D18 b-ball games. We have been sitting together and being corgel. There was a few games where she would sort of ignore me. But now b ball is over and we have no reason to have contact. Over the last 7 months we would see each other 2 or 3 times a wk. I suppose I am hoping now that we won’t see each other as much maybe she will start to miss me. I am thinking of going dim. I am not going to initiate any contact unless absoulutly necesscary. The advice that I would be looking for is that if I do not hear anything from my W for a few wks, would it be ok to just txt her or call her to see how she is doing or is that not a good idea?
I do want to get back into house eventually I just want to position myself financially. My goal is this summer when I will have saved some money. I will tell my wife there is nothing she can do about, unless she decides and do something drastic like put a restraining order on me. If she wants to stoop that low she will have to live with that decision.
Of all the reading and research I have done on MLC and on myself, I know this whole sitch is not about me. All though it is hard to convince myself of that. It is about my W. She has stated that many times it is not me but her. This behavior that she shows towards me just hurts so much. I know this is a journey that she is going through and there nothing that I can do to change her. I just hate taking the brunt of it. I don’t want a divorce but I don’t know how long I can keep going on. I have been living in limbo for almost 5 yrs.

[acsnow]

My SIL (W brothers wife) invited me to nieces b day party this weekend. I get anxious thinking about I have to be in same space as W. But I will be strong. Not really sure what I will have to say to W. I am not there for W but for my niece. My SIL says W is just going through MLC. The last few weeks has been tough for me emotionally. I pass my W on road just about every morning going to work. She does wave to me. I did txt her the other day happy birthday of which she replied back thanks.Just hoping that by going dark W will begin to miss me. I also think by going dark I will help myself. Just feel that my W acts towards me like I don't even exist. I am just ramblig and wanted to vent.