What attracted him to her. What was he missing from us. Why he didnt think of first trying to fix us than abandon any hope for our marriage. I want to know how he felt the firs time(s) they had sex and came back home to lay beside me after kissing our kids goodnight... I want to know what were the excuses he used in his head I want to know if he thought he would get away with it all? I want to know how he felt about himself When did things started to change for them? What was it that made him question his choice I want to know if he liked himself during all this? I want to know where she met my son I want to know how he felt when she got pregnant I want to know if he had met her parents Who knew I want to know how his feelings changed, the evolution, the process I want to if he thinks she was a mistake and why I want to know if he regrets it I want to hear him say "I am sorry, I love you"
I want to know what lessons he has learnt I want to know what mistakes I have made during these 3 years I want to know if he can see himself "living and dying with me" I want to know next time he finds himself attarected to another, what will his defenses/boundaries be I want to know if he sees family and marriage as something he is stuck with because he is weak or if it is a choice he made I want to know, if he can bear to be honest I want to know if he learnt what he needs to do to keep us alive I want to know if he can now separate true love and being in love I want to know he finds me attractive or just "Maria"
I need to hear HIM talk about what has happened. His words, his thoughts, his feelings.
Details, I have Forrest. I know the moles on her body and the diamond cross she wears...
I need to know what happened all these years to stop assuming. I need to "make a reality".
Dating? I am trying. I cant date myself. Ok, I can but done that too much lately, getting kind of tired.
mish my dad feels tired today but overall he went well. Thanks. Thinking of you and your mom.
I know you want to know all those things but the ones that you "need" to know are the ones that will help to prevent this from happening again and how he feels about YOU.
The others aren't going to help your current situation a lot. That doesn't mean that they don't matter. For the most part they will just rip the scab that you have right off and keep the pain going. I don't think that will help.
I think you need to focus on how to move forward and not the past.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Realistically, this is the only one I think you can expect to happen. The others are questions that will pile on his guilt and make him withdraw further.
Quote:
What was he missing from us.
This is an important question. You would need to put that one to him outside of any convo about her. She is not the problem, she was obviously not the solution. She was the band-aid for the symptoms. It's important to find out what he felt was missing so that you can make sure that it's never missing again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I want almost all of those same answers but I am not piecing so I won't get them....I hope you get the ones that you need. I too, wonder what must be in their heads when they slide into bed and kiss us goodnight after sleeping with someone else?
Hope your dad continues to do well, and that you feel better, too.
Overall, it sounds like you need to be reassured in specific ways. You need to know why he decided to come home when he did (reassurance). His ideas behind marriage and family (reassurance). His plan for keeping other women at bay if he does feel an attraction (reassurance). Really I think the questions that have you in them are great and really are getting at the heart of how hurt you are and needing the reality that he is planning on staying for life.
Some of the more detailed questions...you may want to stay away from for quite a while because those are the ones that could be more hurtful to H. Asking how he felt to kiss your kids, sleep with OW, then come home to you. I understand the need to know how he felt, but those are the parts that I think why do you really want to know?
Hang in there. You are definitely an inspiration to me since I am in the exact same boat, but with a very different outcome.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I really kinda wonder how much you had to think about this.
This statement from you was the most telling..
"I need to hear HIM talk about what has happened. His words, his thoughts, his feelings."
It says alot. I only function here (DB.com) when there is lots of "Emotion". You know that.
The question in my mind becomes.. How do you get him to that point? How do you make him talk? As an example.. I make you "talk" by getting under your skin.. and poking you a little bit. Why is our (me and you) relationship so much different than what you are living now? In my mind.. I make you feel safe. You know I won't judge you. You know I won't speak harshly to you. You know I will talk about it with you. The thing about DB.com that keeps me coming back.. is the similarity it has with RL. If you can type it out.. you can do it in RL.
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Off we go...
"What attracted him to her. What was he missing from us. Why he didnt think of first trying to fix us than abandon any hope for our marriage."
He was most likely not attracted to her. He wanted out. Something fell in his lap. He acted on it.
"I want to know how he felt the firs time(s) they had sex and came back home to lay beside me after kissing our kids goodnight..."
He felt guilty.. as he does now. But the "idea" that there could be something "better" was too appealing.
"Details, I have Forrest. I know the moles on her body and the diamond cross she wears..."
So where do the "Details" stop? How much is enough?
You want him to feed your needs.
Stop looking at why he is not.. find a way to encourage him to "Do Work".
As a "frame" for me.. how much have you talked about your "stuff"?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I thought that most marriage recovery books state that affair must be discussed for healing to occur.
I love Dr. Phil's advice on recovery and Allen in infidelity is really posting some amazing excepts from recovery books. Really good stuff.
So you tell him you are hurt and want to heal by discussing things (seems healthy to me) and he wants to pretend this never happened? Not healthy on his end.
Can you communicate by letters or emails? Rather then a conversation? That has always worked better for my hubby. He gets so anxious and upset that he wants to leave the room. Perhaps your husband is the same way?
Maybe just casually one question. In an email with lots of other topics, you could slip it in- Husband, I am curious, how did things end between the two of you? Just that and let it hang in the air for a few days. Maybe in a few days ask if he got your email. Maybe this is cr@ppy advice, IDK.
The red flag bothering me is no sex, Not sure how you are thinking about it.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
FG, in H's case, it wasnt just sex. I think that is what makes it more paiful. She wasnt just a girl he fancied and went to bed with. She was a relationship. He loved her. One of the 3 emails he sent to her that I read said "You are my love, I dont want you just for sex, let's not have sex again if you dont want to, I would still want you in my life, you are my angel...".
They were "living" a life together. Supporting each other, he took her to the hospital when my FiL was in IC, he cared about her job, they almost had a child together... I wish she was just a girl he f@cked. But she wasnt. She will always be one of the loves of his life. A big one judging by what he did to have her....
I had shared "my stuff" even before he found out. He didnt believe me then, dimissed my "story" as a way to make him upset. When he found out it was true, he never asked a thing. I have admitted I was in love and felt loved, but I wont share with him anything if he doenst want to hear it. I have read men sometimes do just that and I think H is feeling responsible for "my stuff" as you call it as well.
I agree with you. He needs to do work with me and I can lead him to. It's just that insecurirty and resentement are making me feel bitter and hopeless often... K
And you want to believe what he told her why??? How can you believe that was the truth? Wasn't that an entire lie on both sides mixed in with a smidge of reality/
It was a fantasy an escape of sorts for whatever he couldn't really face. Why give it more weight then that?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
