Hey I guess John summed it up better (and more succinctly!) than me. Hope you ok today.
How is the 10th July for you.. and for H? And would the kids want to come too, because we are having a kids wedding (some peeps in England say no kids, but we arent going to). Oh and the ceremony will hopefully either be in an english castle or a stately home that has been in this guys family for 7th generations! (he was so posh we couldnt understnad what he was saying)..so your hat and long gloves will look just fine xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm so glad that you're taking care of yourself Kalni .
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Oh dear!?! What, you mean you wont be able to make the wedding? Or the worldcup?? I've been adding up the costs and now I feel dizzy, lol. May have to rein it in a bit. Wierdly, I have been feeling dizzy too all weekend, but I thikn its those tablets I am on. Glad you got a rest from it xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"Ok, I am never talking about feeling sick on these boards again, you guys made me start thinking as if my time is short"
If you really look at it.. you will "see" that this thought is apparent in a lot of threads here.
"Some days are harder than others."
The "hard" ones are the one's you need to be preparing for.
""when I say something cant you just accept it, you HAVE to just accept what I say now and then..."."
The situation is different now. Yet the "issue" from before is still there. Off the top of my head I would say.. this is where you change things. You are focusing too much on the Old.
You keep implying.. "This" is what you want. "This" is exactly the same thing that happened before. What can you do to change it? Is "This" really what you need?
Make a choice.. Show him what you need. Right here right now.. you can be everything he needs. I suspect.. he will slowly give you what you need. He needs you.. alot more than he thinks.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
You keep implying.. "This" is what you want. "This" is exactly the same thing that happened before. What can you do to change it? Is "This" really what you need?
What are you talking about FG, not following you...
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
Make a choice.. Show him what you need. Right here right now.. you can be everything he needs. I suspect.. he will slowly give you what you need. He needs you.. alot more than he thinks.
Yeah, ok. This is what Ihave been doing and he responds. The minute something threatens my "balance" and controlled positive state, he disappoints me.
Our life together has reached a plateau (sp?). We are co-parenting, accommodating, not much tension, a few dsicussions, some progress, then steps back. We spend weekends with friends, the kids, out eating, some nights out without the kids, we shop, we sleep, we watch movies and play ...Quantum of Solace on Wii (isnt it ironic????).
He hugs me and kisses me, sometimes shares things about his work, others not. He still has this "eggshell walking" attitude and he still doesnt want to accept what it is we are dealing with. He denies the truth. Not to be a smartass, he just cant deal with it.
Last night we were watching football with friends, and the one goalkeeper we even talked about on here years ago, looks very good, me and the woman friend said he looks great and then my son said "mom, so what if he looks good, he has a family, would you want to break his family up?"... WOW for me, WOW for H. It is the first time my S8, spells it out so clearly that in HIS head, a family is sacred, "you just dont break families"... I agreed with him, H got a look on his face worth a milion dollars...
He rarely shares what has has been thinking and that for me has got to change. SEX is now an issue. I think it will ve very hard to break that boundary, it's been too long between us, beeing asexual, being...sibblings. I really dont know how to handle it and I am lacking motivation.
I still feel I'm his second choice. K
PS I asked and he said he aske dthe girl what was that email she sent him. She said she had seen him being upset, was on her PC and just sent that email... He would have never shared that convo with me if I had not asked. This man really nees alot of intesive seminars on women. He is lacking simple relationships knowledge.
(((Kalni))) Even in my sitch I see that I make progress when I relax and have fun...but it's hard to do that when one is not feeling emotionally safe.
Still wishing your father well.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"What are you talking about FG, not following you..."
"This" = the situation you find yourself in. From what I am reading here you are at the stage that happens right after you get back together. It seems familiar (like the time right before he left). You two are just existing. You both are guarded. Most likely you both are over-thinking things. I suspect that just before he left some of the things that are happening now were happening then. In essence you are "stuck". Hope that cleared it up. Remember the words in "" are hard to define from my point of view.
Now that I have read on "This" =
1. Our life together has reached a plateau. (yes it is spelled right)
2. He still has this "eggshell walking" attitude and he still doesn't want to accept what it is we are dealing with.
As a comment.. he is disappointing you in that statement. You think he should address it.. he does not want to. As I said earlier.. What do you gain from this discussion? Are you feeding the need to know to much? How does him talking about it help you accept it more? In the end if he does discuss it.. do you not have to accept it and move on? Put it behind you? Why does talking about it make it easier to accept? To me you are expecting a reaction to him going out and cheating on you. From experience I doubt that will happen. I expected that reaction too the first time me wife did her thing. Look where that got me. I do want you to answer those question's.. think about them.
3. I still feel I'm his second choice.
Because of where are (DB.com) this is something that you have to change within you. This is usually the result of the other person feeling they are a second choice also. Remember couples play off of each other. You are building a new relationship here. You almost have to treat this time as if you were dating.. but you have to deal with all the old crap the other person brings back with them. Remember the things that have changed "something" have come from you. Focus on those times.. start small and build up. Don't jump right back in.. old habits are hard to break.
"He would have never shared that convo with me if I had not asked."
But do you feel his answer was the truth?
"This man really needs alot of intensive seminars on women."
I won't disagree with you on that one.
"He is lacking simple relationships knowledge."
Just because you asked.. does not really take away from the fact he responded. I don't know that if I was the cheater I would start up a conversation about an email from the person I cheated with. It definitely would not be on my top 100 things to talk about with my estranged wife I was trying to woo back. Expect that he will not be "free-flowing" with info. Expect that he will act defensive based on the tone in your voice. If you eliminate the wrong things to do.. you get helpful hints on something new to try. I feel your pain Mrs. Maria.. I do.
Love ya
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
