Again, any advice on boundries on OM? Set boundry with out bieng specific. Or hold off till I get more proof?
I personally think you have enough, but if I remember, YOU weren't comfortable with what you had, and so I advised getting more?
You certainly need to have iron-clad proof when confronting and exposing affairs. Do NOT do it generically; she will see that as WEAK. It's like a manager at work, who puts out a memo "reminding all staff about company dress code policy," when everyone in the office knows it's just ONE employee who's dressing inappropriately, and the boss is just afraid to address it with her! You LOSE RESPECT for the boss in a situation like that.
You're trying to e-mail her ahead of time, so soften the blow, out of fear for her reaction, but you've got to just DO this
Its not that I fear her reaction. All the help from you guys on my thread and from reading others has really helped me. I am not scared of her anymore. I am accepting that I need to move on, with or without her. I have realised that I deserve the best, and how she is behaving now is not best for me, and and I dont want to be with the person she has become.
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Brother, about the one GOOD thing you get out of such a move is her RESPECT for your STRENGTH; if you convey weakness by e-mailing her about it, you're going to get all of the blowback, with none of the respect, and it's not worth it
The reason I wanted to do it by email is so I could get my point across as clearly as possible. As I said, I am not a very good verbal communicator. But I see your point and definately dont want all my efforts be in vain. I guess I will just have to write my script and read it like 300 times.
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As for the timing on the boundary, you WANT her stewing the whole time she is away, if you think she is there with OM (and I believe she is) -- infidelitus interruptus. That's the whole point!
I am not going to see her before she goes!!! Sh!t I dont know what to do about this one. She is supposed to be the only one from her company going on this trip. I could try find out where OM is at the time. If he is conveniently at the same place she is... well then, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure it out.
Again, any advice on boundries on OM? Set boundry with out bieng specific. Or hold off till I get more proof?
I personally think you have enough, but if I remember, YOU weren't comfortable with what you had, and so I advised getting more?
What do you have?
Basically, The text message I saw, which I was very uncomfortable with the tone of - terms of endearment that for me would not be appropriate for people who are "just friends"
The pics from her sisters Bday party. There were none of them bieng intimate, but there were 2 with them dancing together, her with her leg between his - she dismissed it by saying it is a salsa club (apparently thats what you do when you salsa) I dont have a copy of the texts, and I dont know if she has downloaded and deleted the pics off the camera yet. A couple of inconsistansies in stories of her whereabouts ( dont think you could call that proof though. In my opinion that would be enough reason for me. If the tables were turned, I'm sure she wouldn't find this type of behaviour from me.
The reason I wanted to do it by email is so I could get my point across as clearly as possible. As I said, I am not a very good verbal communicator. But I see your point and definately dont want all my efforts be in vain. I guess I will just have to write my script and read it like 300 times.
I am the EXACT same way, and that's EXACTLY what I did!
I am not going to see her before she goes!!! Sh!t I dont know what to do about this one. She is supposed to be the only one from her company going on this trip. I could try find out where OM is at the time. If he is conveniently at the same place she is... well then, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure it out.
Yes, see if you can discreetly find out if OM will be there. No need to communicate ANYTHING to her before she goes. We want to send her a text or e-mail AFTER she goes, but at the VERY BEGINNING of her trip.
I cant! It is password protected, so I cant get in. Plus she guards that thing like it is her most prized possesion.
Funny, but true, story from my sitch:
“A Wayward Will Eventually Let Their Guard Down”:
My wife also kept wiping her cellphone -- call log and TMs -- a couple of times every day, and also kept the phone with her (or near her) 24/7, it seemed.
I also noticed, that NOW THAT SHE FELT CONFIDENT THAT SHE HAD IT WITH HER ALL THE TIME, she no longer locked it.
So I began to study her habits/patterns every day. And I noticed that every morning, she woke up before I did, came downstairs, put on her shoes, and went outside to get the paper (we were sleeping in separate rooms at this time, me in the master BR and her upstairs in our daughter's old room).
I also noticed (made a beeline/"dry run" up there one morning when she went out to get the paper) that she kept her phone up there after she woke up, near her "bed" (a sleeping bag on the furniture-less room floor), charging, and UNLOCKED.
I quickly set the phone back down where I had found it, and slipped downstairs back into my bed. But I had my plan.
I went online and got a .pdf of her cellphone instructions, as I knew I wouldn't have much time with it, and would have to use that time quickly and wisely, and couldn't afford to be stumbling around with the buttons (I was totally unfamiliar with her phone). I studied the owners manual until I knew the navigation for call log and especially TEXT MESSAGES, frontwards and back. I waited for my opportunity, making sure to begin CLOSING MY BEDROOM DOOR EVERY NIGHT WHEN I WENT TO BED (I hadn't previously; had left it open a crack).
This I did for a week or two.
One morning, after a night where she had gone to bed early and I KNEW she was text messaging up there in her room, I pretended like I was asleep, and waited for her to go out and get the newspaper. When she did, I bolted up out of bed, left my bedroom, and shut the door the way behind me. I ran upstairs, went into her bedroom, and quietly closed the door behind me. There, next to her sleeping bag, was her cellphone, unlocked.
I spent the next 5 minutes looking at more than I needed to know, or that I wanted to see. Lots of "ILYs" and "no one does it for me like you do's" (this after she claimed the affair was over, and they were "just friends" again). Made sure to check both a few Sent Items and a few INbox, to make sure this wasn't a one-sided affair.
It wasn't.
I laid the phone back down, and came out of her bedroom and into our upstairs game room, and just went on the family computer for about 10-15 minutes. She was now downstairs, reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, just as she always did.
After awhile, I came down the stairs, and gave her a cheery "G'morning!"
She looked like she had seen a ghost, and the poor girl probably wet herself.
"W-w-what are you doing up?" she stammered.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep -- just went on the computer for a little bit," I answered.
"What's wrong with your laptop?" she asked, worried. (I rarely used the family computer upstairs)
"Oh, nothing," I purposely said briefly. "I"m gonna get in the shower; you need anything out of there?"
"No," she said, obviously worried shitless.
I knew all I needed to know, and it was GOOD that I knew it, because no more than 4-5 days later, she tried to gaslight me about not having any feelings for this OM. At that point, I said "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now. I saw your text messages the other morning, so you can sell that to someone who's buying."
'Nads, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, and your family. In fact, I would claim that you have a moral imperative to do so.
Puppy. problem with her phone is, it auto locks after about 1 minute. The only way for me to get at it would be to litteraly rip it from her hands when is busy with it and make a mad dash to the nearest room and lock myself inside it. I dont think that would do much for getting her to respect me.
