How do you forget....how do you turn off the love?

[ddstartingover]

Thank you. I do feel like I have a good idea what is/has been going on in my H's head. Reading someone's attempt to put it into words helps a bit. I am able to think about what my H is going through and I do become overwhelmed with feelings of compassion and love----I want so much to be able to reach out to him, but know I can't (and yes, in the beginning I tried many times). I then get caught up in how I feel and what this is doing to me and my family, and my compassion is out the window. The anger takes over. I don't know if it's some fatal flaw in who I am, or what it is that keeps me from being able to keep how he is feeling/what he is going through in mind all of the time as I go through my journey.

I have been at this a very long time. I am a VERY slow learner. I think my H is stuck in replay----and is replaying hard right now (or his replay personality is the NEW him??). I had hoped that he would come through without pushing for a divorce, but I know now that won't be the case. I didn't sleep well last night, assuming that I would come to my computer and have another e-mail from H regarding not getting a response from my L. I did not forward the e-mail to him yesterday. I am confident that my L will contact him today.

To the bottom of my soul I feel that divorce is wrong, especially in our situation, so I will remain an unwilling participant. I reminded my L of that when I forwarded my H's e-mail to her.

I am still looking for answers. I am still looking for help with how NOT to appear uncommunicative and cold as I continue to detach. Yes, detachment is for me, and I feel like I am getting some help from this----I have been successful in realizing the importance of detachment, but I do feel that I most likley appear to be uncommunicative and cold. I only answer texts/e-mails that have a direct question (with the exception of the L e-mail), I do my best to be NC. By definition this seems uncommunicative to me. When I see him in person, I do my best not to be cold----but I have no idea what his sense of reality is. I don't spend A LOT of time worrying about what he is or isn't thinking of me----these are just things that are on my mind as I move forward.

I know that I must go through the anger stage. I know that is part of this process, but I hate it. Are there any tips on how to get through the anger stage? Any ideas on how to make this easier? This is not who I want to be. I do not want it to take over how I feel about my H, and I feel that happening at times. I do feel compassion for him. I do know that THIS is so not WHO he is, and in order for him to think that all of this makes sense, what he is going through must be extremely painful.

I hope the woman that is in contact with AYK gets the help that she needs. It is very fortunate that they made contact.