How do you forget....how do you turn off the love?

[ddstartingover]

Oh, and as a reminder----being a lawyer himself, H is "representing" himself, so it is correspondence between the two L's in the case......and normal.....however I do not need to be in the middle of it.

[Cadet]

so it is correspondence between the two L's in the case......and normal

No! He just has you believing that.

I do not need to be in the middle of it.

YES

[ddstartingover]

Thank you. I do feel like I have a good idea what is/has been going on in my H's head. Reading someone's attempt to put it into words helps a bit. I am able to think about what my H is going through and I do become overwhelmed with feelings of compassion and love----I want so much to be able to reach out to him, but know I can't (and yes, in the beginning I tried many times). I then get caught up in how I feel and what this is doing to me and my family, and my compassion is out the window. The anger takes over. I don't know if it's some fatal flaw in who I am, or what it is that keeps me from being able to keep how he is feeling/what he is going through in mind all of the time as I go through my journey.

I have been at this a very long time. I am a VERY slow learner. I think my H is stuck in replay----and is replaying hard right now (or his replay personality is the NEW him??). I had hoped that he would come through without pushing for a divorce, but I know now that won't be the case. I didn't sleep well last night, assuming that I would come to my computer and have another e-mail from H regarding not getting a response from my L. I did not forward the e-mail to him yesterday. I am confident that my L will contact him today.

To the bottom of my soul I feel that divorce is wrong, especially in our situation, so I will remain an unwilling participant. I reminded my L of that when I forwarded my H's e-mail to her.

I am still looking for answers. I am still looking for help with how NOT to appear uncommunicative and cold as I continue to detach. Yes, detachment is for me, and I feel like I am getting some help from this----I have been successful in realizing the importance of detachment, but I do feel that I most likley appear to be uncommunicative and cold. I only answer texts/e-mails that have a direct question (with the exception of the L e-mail), I do my best to be NC. By definition this seems uncommunicative to me. When I see him in person, I do my best not to be cold----but I have no idea what his sense of reality is. I don't spend A LOT of time worrying about what he is or isn't thinking of me----these are just things that are on my mind as I move forward.

I know that I must go through the anger stage. I know that is part of this process, but I hate it. Are there any tips on how to get through the anger stage? Any ideas on how to make this easier? This is not who I want to be. I do not want it to take over how I feel about my H, and I feel that happening at times. I do feel compassion for him. I do know that THIS is so not WHO he is, and in order for him to think that all of this makes sense, what he is going through must be extremely painful.

I hope the woman that is in contact with AYK gets the help that she needs. It is very fortunate that they made contact.

[ddstartingover]

I am still looking for answers. I am still looking for help with how NOT to appear uncommunicative and cold as I continue to detach. Yes, detachment is for me, and I feel like I am getting some help from this----I have been successful in realizing the importance of detachment, but I do feel that I most likley appear to be uncommunicative and cold. I only answer texts/e-mails that have a direct question (with the exception of the L e-mail), I do my best to be NC. By definition this seems uncommunicative to me. When I see him in person, I do my best not to be cold----but I have no idea what his sense of reality is. I don't spend A LOT of time worrying about what he is or isn't thinking of me----these are just things that are on my mind as I move forward.

I know that I must go through the anger stage. I know that is part of this process, but I hate it. Are there any tips on how to get through the anger stage? Any ideas on how to make this easier? This is not who I want to be. I do not want it to take over how I feel about my H, and I feel that happening at times. I do feel compassion for him. I do know that THIS is so not WHO he is, and in order for him to think that all of this makes sense, what he is going through must be extremely painful.

[Cie la vie]

ThisCan'tBeTheEnd,

I just read your initial post on this thread and although our sitches have taken different paths I found many of the things that trouble you are very similiar to what troubles me.

I get stuck on what I remember and what I believed to be true, and have trouble accepting that none of that means anything to H anymore

I too am struck by the seeminlgy complete discarding of the 20+ year history of my relationship/marriage to my STBX. I just can't wrap my head around this kind of behavior/thinking.

I know what I did wrong, and I have changed from that person. I know that I could do better if given another chance.

Ditto on this as well. Yet another chance seems remote at best. It is very discouraging particularly with how much is at stake.

I do think H is having a MLC-----but maybe I'm wrong about that too.

I seesaw between believing my W is in a MLC and just being a WAW. There are strong elements of both scenarios at play. She was very decisive and blindsided me with D. I'm not sure categorizing their state changes anything. The mantra from the experts is patience is in order particularly with MLC. My D will be final long before any awakening will occur if ever. That is a tough pill to swallow.

I also fear that if I let the anger take over nothing good could ever happen and my kids would suffer.

I struggle with the same and I am determined not to become embittered, nothing good can come from it. The key thus far the key for me in controlling my emotions has been to follow the advice of so many here by focusing on myself and my kids, GALing and detaching slowly but surely. The kid factor is the monkey wrench in making the transition easier.

NC and going as dark as possible have aided me in this process. I have seen zero sign that my 180's, GALing and giving my W space have changed her mind one iota. That reality reinforces my need to detach as much as is possible and fast. The alternative is to stew in saddness and painful emotions which will only make matters worse.

Stay strong and do what is best for you in time you will begin to feel better. It has worked for me so far.

Am I beyond help????

Not even. Although you have been in a protracted sitch there is light at the end of the tunnel and yes there are many tough days ahead but you will survive and thrive in the end.

[Cadet]

I am still looking for help with how NOT to appear uncommunicative and cold as I continue to detach

I think for YOU that at this point it is not something I would worry about. Maybe being

uncommunicative and cold

will be a 180 for you?

Your H wants to D you and you want to be nice to him? I am not saying to be mean or anything like that but just treat him like a friend that you just met for the first time. I would stick with the mirroring technique.

I still think that letting him know what it is going to be like after you D is the best strategy. After the D you are going to stay BEST FRIENDS FOREVER(BFF)? That is why he wants a D because you will still be his BFF. He has been with you so long he doesn't know any other way. Am I right?
When you have a new boyfriend you think he is going to be jealous?
I know you are not there yet but he knows that too, you need a little mystery.....

[Drew]

I am still looking for answers.

The answers are inside you.

Are there any tips on how to get through the anger stage?

Let your anger be your armor, not your sword.

[ddstartingover]

Thanks OP, Drew. I have been doing a bit of a 180 on the communication thing. I feel pretty confident that it pisses him off.......since if I don't answer a text that didn't have a question attached to it, after a few hours I get another asking "did you get my text?" And, I don't know that pissed off is what I'm looking for.....thus the feeling of it being wrong to be uncommunicative and APPEAR cold......I don't know. I guess I'll move back to focussing more on me.

Hopefully the answer are inside of me (rather than what I fear is inside of me), and hopefully the armor isn't too cold......

[Mach1]

TCBTE,

The answers ARE inside of you....

Just ask the right questions.....

Fear is a great paralyzer of us all....

What is it that you are afraid of ?

[Drew]

Mach1,

You stole my question!!!!

(But's that OK ..... )