She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

As far as the separation when you get home. This may sound retarded or even backa$$wards:

But I wish my W and I had separated a long time ago (after the bomb dropped, not a long time ago in the relationship).

The separation creates space you both need

It creates an environment where she can feel the impact of her decision. ie: She won't just be able to feel anger which she would constantly have by seeing you in her space. When they do that it takes the focus off them and their feelings and doesn't give them any opportunity to reflect on their part in the whole mess.

You won't be physically around to remind her of her 'anger' and bitter feelings toward you

She won't feel you walking on eggshells all the time which will create tension and negative feelings inside her - which in turn she will use as further reasoning why she can't be with you. She will think being around you feels negative and she needs to get rid of the source of that negativity.(you - it's really not you, but she'll see it that way)

It will give you breathing space to be able to look at the whole sitch from a more distant perspective.

It will create a vacuum. An empty space between you. She will feel it. Perhaps it's a vacuum that will draw her closer. Perhaps it won't.

There are many other positives that will come from it.

Trust me, the space between my W and I has done wonders for me. I'm hoping it will have the same positive impact on you. I know you can't possibly imagine what I'm saying as true or being somehow beneficial to you - I would never have been able to see it that way early in my sitch.

It is at is. Make the best of what you have - you didn't make the decision to physically separate, she did. Therefore you have absolutely no control over it. Work your a$$ off to accept it and deal with it accordingly and in a way that will have a positive impact on you and your kids.

[steady]

I have 3 more long weeks left to go. I'm starting to get rally nervous because I don't know what I'm going to encounter when get home. I sure am looking forward to seeing my daughters, and spending time with them like I always have.

Those 3 weeks can be miserable or fun. The choice is yours. You don't know what you're going to encounter when you get home - but I'll bet good money your imagining it has nothing positive and contains all the worst case scenarios your mind can drum up.

What if you knew when you saw her at the airport you would find out she changed her mind and completely changed course? How would you feel then?

You're feelings follow your thoughts. If you think this is all catastrophic, you'll feel completely defeated.

All things are really neutral. It's how we perceive their effect on us which make them 'good' or 'bad'. If you need me to elaborate on this last sentence I will be more than happy to.

I'm tired and I need to get some sleep.

One other thing - what if all this has to transpire in order to get both you and your W into a position where you will both be ready to create a R beyond both of your wildest dreams? Maybe this is the only way that would create that. As far fetched as that might seem...how can you really know if this is true or not?

If you could really accept it as the only way, then you'll be WAY ahead of the game.

[tbart01]

steady you once again gave fabulous advice. I think back before i even knew of her intentions, and I realize the mistakes i made.

When I first got to Afghanistan she asked me to call once a week and web cam once a week. I didn't understand her request, so I called outside of the window and would email. She had set a boundary that I crossed. She wanted me to give her space then and I didn't which pushed her away.

I kept going down this road for about the first month and a half I was here. I f she wasn't home I would panic and call her on her cell phone to see where she was which pushed her away.

Just before Christmas she expressed to me that she had thought about leaving me and didn't know what she was going to do. She then gave me the list of complaints and things I needed to work on. i did the normal trying to defend myself, explain myself, begging, pleading.

I immediately went to work trying to make these changes. i visited the Chaplain once a week, read self help books, and browsed the internet for self help. As I made discoveries i would email her with what i was finding out. She told me to stop telling her these things, but I still did it and still called when I wasn't supposed to. Further pushing her away.

I then started to get it and tried to wait for her to contact me. if she didn't after a certain of days i would call her. Eventually I would stop doing this and she started to call me. We would have great conversations and bad conversations. she would talk R and I would go along. If I said anything that was different than what she said, whether I was calm or not, she would accuse us of arguing. However, I was never arguing, but in her eyes I was. Further pushing her away.

After awhile i receiving good emails and would have good talks, some that turned to R, but they were good. She would even comment that they were very good conversations and she enjoyed them. then all of a sudden she tells me she thinks she wants a D.

I was bewildered and asked why. i again tried to reason with the changes I was making, and the positives between us. She was angry that I was making these changes after so many years of her wanting me to make them. According to her she had been trying for years, and now I was finally ready to climb aboard but she was done.

Things were rocky for awhile, but I tried my best to not pester her. Eventually it got to where she was no longer angry, but actually friendly. i misread this as a step in the positive direction. I started to send her emails telling her how much i appreciated her, that I still wear my wedding ring proudly (no longer wear it), and I would say things like when we fix things, or I hope to get a second chance.

After reading DR and listening to all your advice, I now see that i to made the common mistakes. They even started before I knew there was something wrong. Here we are 4 months later and I'm finally starting to get it. I have been doing better the past month and i hope to continue to do so.

I have been letting her initiate contact. it's really difficult to do sometimes, but I'm doing it. I still think about her and I all the time, but my focus has been my kids. i make sure to call D14 every few days, and talk to D4 when she's awake.

i just hope I didn't make too many mistakes early on because I was uneducated. I accept my role in this, and just hope to get the opportunity one day to practice what i have learned and continue to learn. This has been very humbling and educational at the same time.

I don't want to dwell on the past, but she is. i want to move from this point forward in a positive direction. i hope that involves my W, I really do, but if not I will be armed with a better understanding of what to do in the future.

[steady]

Don't tell her about the changes you've made, show her by your actions.

She's going to hold onto the past. How else do you think she can justify what she is doing? My W is doing the same thing. But as my therapist once told me - when time passes and the 'past' (which she's rewritten so much of it) becomes a fading memory for her, she will look back and wonder what was so bad that she had to break up her family. Whether this will happen or not I don't know. What I do know is it's becoming less and less important to me for her to do that.

Don't try to correct her 'recollection' of the past and what happened. Of course you have a list of your own about changes she must make. Right now she's only focused on you and looking for any 'mistakes' you make to reinforce her decision. My W didn't really acknowledge the positive changes I made. She still looks at me and in her mind only 'sees' how I used to be. Again, she needs to do this in order to do what she is doing. She can't 'see' or seriously acknowledge me in the present.

Don't expect your W to put much stock in your positive changes. Of course she will minimize it saying it's too late, etc... That's also her reinforcing her position. What would happen if she was to seriously acknowledge your positive changes? She would have to sit there and ask herself why she is leaving a man who is treating her the way she wants to be treated.

And you are totally right - she drew a boundary she needed and you didn't respect that. In the future don't do this. But you already know that.

If you see anything from her that seems like an indication things are heading in a 'positive' direction just look at it as an event in your life. Don't put any stock in it and keep acting as you are. She will be all over the map sending all kinds of mixed signals. This is just a reflection of what's going on inside her. If you react to the positive and negative signals you will have jumped on her roller coaster for a ride up and down. As Mike from Tennessee used to say - stay off the coaster and wave to her as she goes up and down. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

Just be upbeat and positive whenever you're around her. Express any emotions - anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.. here on the boards.

All the things you've listed above happened to me also. It's a script they run. I can't tell you how many times I've heard some crazy shite coming from her mouth. We talked, and she would say we are arguing, and it wasn't normal relationship to have 'all' that arguing; my friends don't treat me like this; my friends all have 'wonderful' marriages (forgetting not long ago she listed how her friends were not too happy with their husbands)...etc.

Work on your mindset. It isn't the end of the world no matter which way your sitch goes. Don't believe anything that exits her mouth. She will say all kinds of things.

Keep the focus on you and your kids. Keep your focus off her and what she is/isn't, should/shouldn't be doing or saying.

If you read through my sitch you will see all of the things you listed above in there. I used to say it's like my W has been possessed and she is but a shadow of the woman I married.

Hang in there. Work you a$$ off on your mindset. You need to get it straight.

[peace2u]

Be genuine, stay away from any R, M or future talks. The ideal mindset to have is one where you accept what is, know that you'll be fine no matter which way things go, be totally accepting of whatever the outcome might be, don't be a doormat or mousy...be a mature, sensible, caring friend to her.

BINGO. Bite your tongue if you need to. NO R talk. I could absolutely repeat my H's R talk verbatim. It pushed me away just a little further every single time it was brought up. And if you read my thread - you know just how bleepin often that was.

Best mindset - Come off the plane as if nothing about this sitch is affecting you. As if you've completely accepted it and are ok with it.

Don't be needy. Don't squeezer her tightly. No attempt to give her a kiss. If she makes the move to hug you or kiss you go with it and make it brief.

ABSOLUTELY..This is a time to show her the man you are...anything less than that will not be good. I know it has GOT to be eating you up - but try try try to come to peace with EITHER outcome before you get home.

Then immediately focus on the kids. Feel the joy in your body towards them and let that come out completely. Let your kids feel ALL of your love - including the love you want to express to your W. Ask them what they've been up to. Tell them you missed them, you love them and you're so glad to be with them. Hug them with all the love you have.

YES!! Big positive being a good daddy. HUGE positive.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY ANYTHING THAT EVEN COMES CLOSE TO THE SITUATION OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

This includes having a sad face, feeling pity for yourself, longing for her to hug you or say something nice.

This is HUMONGOUS!!! No sad face. No pity. She's going to probably seem confusing to you - she's going thru her crap, too....so read NOTHING into it. Show no pity...hold it in til you're alone and cry your eyes out, if you need to...or get online and vent to us. But don't let her see it.

I take 50% of the blame for the years prior to the pursuing mode. Since I did not voice my concerns/opinions - nothing changed. I expected H to know my needs and fulfill them. That was half my fault. But since the pursuing phase began - I have completely lost all respect for my H and once someone loses respect....not much is remaining.

So remember that, if any thought of persuing enters your brain. Come to US or your friends to vent and cry. Do not persue her. I have come to really hate that p word.

[tbart01]

peace, if your H had pulled his head out of his a$$ and made the changes and realizations some of us had would it have changed anything early on? It's kind of irrelevant, but as I read your sitch I kept wanting to hit you H in the head.

I agree about needing to into the mindset of either outcome. However, as you can imagine it's even harder in my situation because i haven't even seen her yet. that makes it all even more confusing. Our sitch has been all telephone.

You keep hearing not to talk about the R. What if the W brings up the R, do you talk about it then? I never bring up the sitch or r talk. She called last week and asked when I wanted to talk about finances and I told her when I get home. we've only talked for about 1 minute since then.

I found out today that I'll be going home 9 April, and I'm nervous as he!!. I will continue to update and ask for advice. You all have been very helpful, i just pray I can do what i need to do.

[robx]

tb were you really that bad a person to begin with?
were you a bad provider?
a bad father?
a horrible husband?
a bad soldier?
a discredit to your uniform and your country?

Was your wife perfect in every way?
Did she always satisfy your every request & desire?

[peace2u]

peace, if your H had pulled his head out of his a$$ and made the changes and realizations some of us had would it have changed anything early on? It's kind of irrelevant, but as I read your sitch I kept wanting to hit you H in the head.

pretty funny I know I'd wouldn't have lost my respect for him if he would have woken up.

BUT - then I wouldn't have done the enormous amount of growing myself, if he had.

Nobody's perfect. Everyone has their garbage/issues. But what I hope comes out of this for you, is your realization of the opportunity for personal growth. And it'd be icing on the cake if your M was saved along the way.

If she brings up the R talk - then take that moment as it comes. And keep the tips in your brain that we've given you and remember what you've read in Michelle's book. We all backslide. After years of this - I still backslide and fall on my butt...then I kick myself and move on.

[peace2u]

And I hope you don't ever think that I think you're the bad guy in all this.

I don't even know your issues, your wife's issues - or what your M was like.

No judgement from me.

But you're here, on this board...and if you can learn from all of our downfalls....all the better.

[Surviving03]

well tburt, if its anything like it has been for me... the homecoming will be VERY awkward and difficult.... i felt like things were going ok and improving but he was telling people, including OW, that its so awkward and he cant wait for it to be over..... i get mixed signals ALL the time.... i did alot of things complete opposite of how I should have for DBing, and I prob really messed this up myself, but i am starting to get to a point where i feel like he isnt the man i have loved and have been married to... so do I even want this marriage? my stress has gone way down... i feel like i am in a little more control of the situation cause now i can decide if i even want it