flowmom | need to commit to myself

[rr22]

Also, what exactly would H "getting nasty" about it look like? Stopping mortgage payments or just getting pissed off?

[rr22]

He's not going to make his children go homeless in the next three weeks because he gets angry at you.

[Gardener]

fm,
Random thoughts:

"I'd be happy to discuss that with you in private -- let's book a time".

This was good.

He said OK, but then went on to say "I'm guessing your earning isn't being limited by the amount of childcare that you're getting

Since he said okay and then totally ignored you I would have simply repeated more emphatically, "I'd be happy to discuss that with you in private -- let's book a time".

And don't get baited into having to interpret subtexts. That's damn near passive-aggressive behavior on his part. Be prepared for that with a handy "What does that mean?" Not a challenging "What does that mean?", but a fact-gathering, What does that mean?"

He can't keep up the childcare/working pace that he's been doing.

So what's his proposed solution to his problem?

I just don't know how to respond to this without getting trapped into a defensive role. Should I put the ball in his court: [b"]OK, tell me what your expectations are about my earning and childcare time and I'll let you know if I can agree to that"?[/b] I honestly don't know what his expectations are, other than I work my butt off fixing our financial problems, while gracefully dealing with having been dumped, and doing all the regular mothering stuff.

Simplify. Simplify. "What do you propose?" or "What solution do you have in mind?" The fewer words the better. And don't react to his response. Be eady with an, "I'll give that some thought."

And of course, maybe you answered your own question; what's wrong with this:

I honestly don't know what your expectations are, other than I work my butt off fixing our financial problems, while gracefully dealing with having been dumped, and doing all the regular mothering stuff.

That works for me. Puts it all back in context.

Talk to your L about this "haranguing".

Sorry, fm, no answers. Just random thoughts, like I said.

[Gardener]

Tulsa, except for the weekly daughter visits, every one of your statements

I'd like to join in with you flowmom, r22 and you too Gardener. I relate all too well with what you're going through.

I've been apart from my wife for a year and a half now. I have no desire to look or even imagine a life with someone else. The thought of being alone like this is frightening.

My wide and family gave me so much purpose. Now that they are gone, I find myself lost. I procrastinate even getting bills done.

The hardest part is getting out of bed. Luckily, my job is easy and pays decently well. I have really closed off from people over this time. Done alot of praying.

I am working on changing my thoughts though. I get my daughter each week and that helps. I visit my brother each week and I recently started back up a game night once a week.

I hope this helps but it's a long, painful process.

could have been written by me. I'm still there, mostly.

I am always amazed at the strength people here show by being able to walk away or pick themselves back up and live life again.

So am I. And you're one of them.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Simplify. Simplify. "What do you propose?" or "What solution do you have in mind?" The fewer words the better. And don't react to his response. Be eady with an, "I'll give that some thought."

Agree with Gardener 100%. Let him do the talking, find out what he's thinking then give him a no-committment answer then discuss it with the lawyer/friends etc.

[flowmom]

Gardener and SR, I think you are on the right track. Though this issue is so sticky that it would require huge self-control for me to not get sucked into being defensive.

Should I push him for specifics (like how much he wants me to earn, etc.)?

[flowmom]

rr I don't know what getting nasty would look like. I guess I am afraid of his anger because he looks like he wants to physically fight when he is angry. He has never been physically abusive to me and I'm not worried about that, but I still feel intimidated.

[rr22]

Do you have any other childcare besides you and H?

I'm starting to think all discussions about R and finances need to take place outside the house in public in a neutral location at coffee house or wherever away from kids for two hours with babysitter. This will help alleviate your fear and kids won't be subject to the tension. It also helps shore up your position that these talks be pre-scheduled.

I hear your fear, but it's never been physical, thus it doesn't matter if he screams and yells and throws a tantrum. Work on being the person that that kind of behavior doesn't get to. His loud voice is just his stress. You still can't make any final decisions during this conversation if he tantrums or not. And you will have to hear his viewpoint in person or by email at some point.

[flowmom]

I've thought about it and I think I can not react to his anger. I don't even think he would yell in this case. It's hard to explain but it's more like feeling as if I'm a bug under a pin when he's angry. Also, it would be huge ammunition for him to be telling himself "she hasn't changed, she hasn't changed". I guess if I'm honest with myself that's the part that I'm afraid of...that that would get the D ball rolling so that he could financially "protect" himself.

[rr22]

I know what you're talking about and it's a tough call. I think we all come to the point where certain financial discussions feel like they will set finalities in motion. Depending on the individuals, this may not be the case. It's scary, but what can you do? Unfortunately you are the representative of the children's financial stability as well as of yoursel and the M relationship. Makes things difficult and daunting.