She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

steady you once again gave fabulous advice. I think back before i even knew of her intentions, and I realize the mistakes i made.

When I first got to Afghanistan she asked me to call once a week and web cam once a week. I didn't understand her request, so I called outside of the window and would email. She had set a boundary that I crossed. She wanted me to give her space then and I didn't which pushed her away.

I kept going down this road for about the first month and a half I was here. I f she wasn't home I would panic and call her on her cell phone to see where she was which pushed her away.

Just before Christmas she expressed to me that she had thought about leaving me and didn't know what she was going to do. She then gave me the list of complaints and things I needed to work on. i did the normal trying to defend myself, explain myself, begging, pleading.

I immediately went to work trying to make these changes. i visited the Chaplain once a week, read self help books, and browsed the internet for self help. As I made discoveries i would email her with what i was finding out. She told me to stop telling her these things, but I still did it and still called when I wasn't supposed to. Further pushing her away.

I then started to get it and tried to wait for her to contact me. if she didn't after a certain of days i would call her. Eventually I would stop doing this and she started to call me. We would have great conversations and bad conversations. she would talk R and I would go along. If I said anything that was different than what she said, whether I was calm or not, she would accuse us of arguing. However, I was never arguing, but in her eyes I was. Further pushing her away.

After awhile i receiving good emails and would have good talks, some that turned to R, but they were good. She would even comment that they were very good conversations and she enjoyed them. then all of a sudden she tells me she thinks she wants a D.

I was bewildered and asked why. i again tried to reason with the changes I was making, and the positives between us. She was angry that I was making these changes after so many years of her wanting me to make them. According to her she had been trying for years, and now I was finally ready to climb aboard but she was done.

Things were rocky for awhile, but I tried my best to not pester her. Eventually it got to where she was no longer angry, but actually friendly. i misread this as a step in the positive direction. I started to send her emails telling her how much i appreciated her, that I still wear my wedding ring proudly (no longer wear it), and I would say things like when we fix things, or I hope to get a second chance.

After reading DR and listening to all your advice, I now see that i to made the common mistakes. They even started before I knew there was something wrong. Here we are 4 months later and I'm finally starting to get it. I have been doing better the past month and i hope to continue to do so.

I have been letting her initiate contact. it's really difficult to do sometimes, but I'm doing it. I still think about her and I all the time, but my focus has been my kids. i make sure to call D14 every few days, and talk to D4 when she's awake.

i just hope I didn't make too many mistakes early on because I was uneducated. I accept my role in this, and just hope to get the opportunity one day to practice what i have learned and continue to learn. This has been very humbling and educational at the same time.

I don't want to dwell on the past, but she is. i want to move from this point forward in a positive direction. i hope that involves my W, I really do, but if not I will be armed with a better understanding of what to do in the future.