Her heart has already left

[AmyBel]

Yes. She knows that if she wanders off to do a trial run with this old flame she is risking me losing patience, moving on, finding someone else, changing my mind...

She is still denying that it was a violation and mistake to speak out loud the feelings she had for her ex (our friend). Like, Um, DUH! When you are married and you notice feelings for someone outside the marriage you talk to your spouse and/or your therapist and create parameters to take space from the outsider 'til your feelings fade.

I've done it. (Which she knows)

Progress so far: Admit that she was in an Emotional Affair.
Suspend the EA for three months.
Admit that the phrase "I haven't acted on it" is a lie. "I haven't acted sexually on it" is true (she also admitted that she hugged the OW in the context of spilling their mutual guts and processing their emotional revelations. GRRRRRR)
Be willing to deviate from the contract we made with each other six months after we started going steady. (we both came from problem relationships.) and admit that perhaps 16 years later a little more than one month notice was called for. (I'm not a landlord, I'm a wife!) Though she only extended it to a total of 3 months, and is saying that the 3 months counts toward the 6 months total of "no dating" listed in the doc.
Be willing to consider more options than "divorce/no divorce", which says she may be willing to tolerate the pain of her two-mindedness.
Says she is working on our relationship during these three months.

I'm still aware of the brain tumor effect. E.g. she is acting uncharacteristically: She is distant. She is evasive. She is emotional. She is sad. She is spending more time taking care of me (in the sense that she is deciding what I feel and taking action based on that projection.) than speaking her own emotional truth.

I've been trying to do 180's:
Ask her curious questions rather than just do business with her when on the phone. (esp curious about her emotions.)
Consider giving up on the attempt.
Imagine my life without her, and focus on the possibly good aspects of that.
Hang up first.
Don't cajole when she doesn't want to do something I want her to do. Just say: I'm sure you'll pick the best choice.
Let her be the one to talk to family, instead of rescuing her from her pain.

I could probably use the help thinking of others.