She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

.......She brings up smothering and isolation all the time lately. At no point in our M did she communicate any of this to me. I have never been an absent H, our M has always been us and the kids. That's whats now coming out as part of the problem. There was too much us together and not enough us separately.

Take this very seriously. It doesn't matter if you think her thinking or emotions are valid. To her, they are very valid and it's what she's thinking and feeling. If she ever brings up any issues about what she's thinking and feeling, just respond with, I understand you are thinking/feeling that way. I understand why you think/feel that way. If you can honestly see how your action helped create the situation that she is feeling negatively about, express that in a way that validates her feeling. ie: I understand when I did _____ you felt _____. DO NOT DEFEND, ATTACK, EXPLAIN etc... Just validate and leave it at that. Under no circumstances are you to engage or get baited into an argument.

I would have gladly tried to change these things in our M if she would have communicated it to me. She waits until this point in our M to tell me everything shes led me to believe was ok, was in fact not.

All of this doesn't matter. Don't say this to her. Just accept things are as they are. She will bring up many, many things to justify why she is doing what she is doing. I'm sure she is harboring a tremendous amount of guilt for what she is doing. She will try to lessen that guilt be trying to get you to do things that will reinforce her position. If you argue or try to show her that she is rewriting the past it will only solidify her rationalization because she will then process it as you not getting her, or minimizing her feelings, etc..

Why is it the WAW waits until it's too late to communicate these things? I'm working so hard to improve myself and I'm enjoying it. However, I wish she would have talked to me and made me aware of my flaws. It would be up to me at that point whether or not I wanted to fix those flaws. Of course I would have, I never wanted her to be unhappy.

Again all of this doesn't matter. She did what she did because she couldn't do it any other way. Think of this - why did you do what you did? Why didn't you change all of the things you are working on now much earlier? It took a bomb for you to see it and have the motivation to start changing it. No one can tell you what it will take for your W to see it.

It's just you wanting to point out what she did wrong. It's her issue she didn't tell you these things sooner, not yours. This issue of hers is part of the things she needs to work out for herself. Just like you had a part to play in the destruction in the M, she played a part also. Don't expect her to take responsibility for her part in it. My W still hasn't. No real progress can be made until both parties accept their part and take responsibility in changing themselves. I'm sure peace2u can attest to that - I imagine her H isn't taking responsibility for his part. I know my W certainly hasn't. She blames me for the whole thing.

I have relied on my W allot throughout the years. She allowed me to do that, and I allowed her to do the same. Again, I know i haven't been perfect, but neither has she. I have always told her my complaints, but she has always had a knack for being cold and distant. She has the ability to bottle up her feelings, where I let them out.

Ok, so you've identified issues you both had. Let hers go. Remember them because they are her part of creating the mess. The ones you see about yourself - work on them. Change them. Understand you will improve and either your W will jump on the train and reap the benefits of what you have to offer, or, you will offer the better you to someone else down the road. Make the changes because you want to be a better person than you were/are right now. It has to be for this reason and not for getting the M back. We all come here to save our marriages, over time we come to realize it's about saving ourselves and if the M is saved then it's a bonus.