She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

You're absolutely correct about walking on eggshells. There is so much advice to absorb, and I'm afraid of doing something wrong. I know I have, and probably will do it again.

There is no such thing as doing something wrong..imo. I thought the same thing but it doesn't take a single episode (typically) to make or break a sitch either way. Now there are some things that would but they are not the norm - smacking her around, yelling and screaming at her, etc..

The other back-peddling are things to learn from so you don't keep repeating them.

As peace2u has said; try not to walk on eggshells thinking you're going to do or say something to push it over the edge. Be genuine, stay away from any R, M or future talks. The ideal mindset to have is one where you accept what is, know that you'll be fine no matter which way things go, be totally accepting of whatever the outcome might be, don't be a doormat or mousy...be a mature, sensible, caring friend to her.

It's very difficult to not think about my W and what she's thinking. I know I can't control her thoughts, but i also can't stop thinking about them. It makes it more difficult that I haven't even seen her since the bomb was dropped.

Yes, this is VERY difficult to stop. Rationally you know you can't read her mind, you can't control her thoughts/emotions/actions etc...BUT, and it's a big but, it doesn't make a bit of difference until that knowing sinks into your being.The constant mental repeating of the fact you have no control will help you override the emotional attachment you have.

I'm trying to prepare for how things will be when I get home. That has also got my mind spinning. i really don't know who or what to expect when it comes to her. I hate that there will be nothing physical between us. this isn't what you expect after being away for 6 months.

It's hard to prepare for something you have no idea about. You don't know what is going to transpire. Ideal mindset - have no expectations either positive or negative. Believe me,she's going to be very nervous seeing you. Make a non-intimidating environment as you can. Best mindset - Come off the plane as if nothing about this sitch is affecting you. As if you've completely accepted it and are ok with it.

If she's at the airport do I give her a hug, and what do I say? Once I get home she's dropping me off and it's just me and the kids. How long before we talk? What will I say? What shouldn't I say? Things like this are bouncing through my head.

Would you typically give her a hug? If she were a friend picking you up would you give a hug (or family member)? (that one might not be a good example) If you give her a hug, make it short - and short means ALOT shorter than you think is short. You let go before she does. A brief hug it best. They will know if you are holding on out of some form of needing. Don't be needy. Don't squeezer her tightly. No attempt to give her a kiss. If she makes the move to hug you or kiss you go with it and make it brief. If she hugs you and holds on, hug briefly then let your arms go and make the motion to pull away- she will break the hug when she feels that (hopefully). Otherwise she will feel awkward holding onto you like a limp fish

Say hi. Then immediately focus on the kids. Feel the joy in your body towards them and let that come out completely. Let your kids feel ALL of your love - including the love you want to express to your W. Ask them what they've been up to. Tell them you missed them, you love them and you're so glad to be with them. Hug them with all the love you have.

Don't tell your W that you missed her. Absolutely not. She will feel guilty or have some other negative reaction. You might think she wants reassurance that you love her, care for her, missed her, but this is the last thing she wants in the mindset she is in. Believe me, I made all these mistakes.

What do you say to her when she drops you and the kids off? Thank her for picking you up at the airport. Tell her you appreciate it. Exchange and information you might have to discuss about the kids. Don't linger in or around the car.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY ANYTHING THAT EVEN COMES CLOSE TO THE SITUATION OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

This includes having a sad face, feeling pity for yourself, longing for her to hug you or say something nice. She may do any one of those but just put it in your head they are actions either out of guilt or some idea of obligation. Read nothing into what she says or does.

If she brings up anything about the situation, relationship, apologizing for the way things are, etc... Just look at her and tell her you'd rather not discuss any of that right now because you've had a very long and tiring 6 months overseas and you are drained from that. Say you are tired and in no mindset to have any deep discussions. This is drawing a strong boundary for yourself and shows you are not so desperate to fix or change anything right now. You are allowed to say no. It will also have the effect of her seeing you as a strong man who can and will draw boundaries about what is acceptable for YOU.

Once you guys are done exchanging information say goodbye and walk into the house. If you feel like crying, wait till you're inside when you have time away from the kids, then let it out.

Be the first one to break from the conversation. When you walk away don't look back. Go into the house and do not look out the window or the door etc.. DO NOT LINGER.

Let peace2u read what I wrote before you take it in. Her perspective and input will be very valuable. She'll tell you what she would need in this situation.