She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[peace2u]

try not to walk on eggshells. my H is still doing that dance and it makes things so uneasy for me and the kids. it builds a tension that doesn't need to be there.

Difference between being nice and persuing? hmmmmm... the thought process behind it. I know when my H is doing something just to get a certain response from the action.

Just by being genuine in all actions/thoughts/words....she will know the difference. Do NOTHING with the intention of getting a certain response from her. Just be real. I'll try to think of more specific examples.

Tbart...my latest thread was called Super Close - 3...I'm SURE I posted specific examples of his pursuits. Its been a while back tho. I'll post more when I have more time.

My thoughts were with you so I had to pop in real fast today...that's something I missed from not being here so long...You have people pulling for you.

If she's at the airport do I give her a hug, and what do I say? Once I get home she's dropping me off and it's just me and the kids. How long before we talk? What will I say? What shouldn't I say? Things like this are bouncing through my head.

The paragraph above is a prime example of projection. ALL is out of your control - so don't waste the energy of allowing those thoughts to have time in your brain.

[tbart01]

When i do get home peace2u, would it be wrong to initiate a hug. In her state of mind, how would this come across. Remember I haven't seen her in 6 months.

It's difficult to not think about these things, because like I mentioned before I've been away for this entire process. i have yet to be face to face with the woman that's doing this. I'm in a very difficult situation as you can see.

[tbart01]

You know so many things run through my mind these days. I really wish I could stop that happening but I can't. My w has said so many different things that I don't know which ones to believe. I know that they say to believe none of what a WAW says, and 50% of what they do.

peace2u, maybe you can help me with some of this. She tells people that I made the decision to come over here. i wish I had the email she sent telling me the reasons I should go. She was crying to friends and family about me going to Afghanistan. She had breakdowns while I was over here.

However, I recently found out her plan was to have me come over here and make some money and give her the time to prepare leaving me. She told me things she thought I needed to work on about myself. I started making those changes and she drew further away.

For a time things got better between here and I. Again the more things I did to make positive change within myself, and the better we did when speaking, the further she backed away. When she dropped the bomb, things were going really well with us.

She has said some really hurtful things to me since I've been here. One of which is about the last week we spent together before I came here. We went to lunch, dinner, movies, talked and talked, she initiated intimacy every night. I had asked her about that week when all this came about, and she told me it was all forced. Can you really force something like that? She also tells others that all we did was fight that week. Absolutely a false statement. It was one of the best weeks we've spent together in a long while.

I'm not a stupid guy, and at no time did I ever think our M was in jeopardy. I look back now and see how distant she had been for the past year. We had issues about ourselves as individuals, that i sought counseling for. However, she chose to work on her issues herself.

She has made mention of the possibility of us fixing this, she tells me she still loves me, she brings up things that indicate a future. Then she'll go cold and distant.

She had mentioned to me that she was afraid of us living under the same roof when I get home because she thought I would talk her into things being the way they were. I now know that she knows the law about being separated for 1 year prior to being able to D. I feel that's why she doesn't want us to live under the same roof.

I really don't know what to believe anymore. I feel good when we have a conversation that includes no negativity on her part. To me that alone is positive.

Once she started counseling she said she still loved me, wanted me to get counseling when I got home, and then we would co-counsel when the time was right, and we would see what happens. She said she didn't know how things were going to be between her and I when I got home. It's things like this that have made me go NC unless she initiated. Too many ups and downs.

I'm still trying to think of how things will be when I get home, and until I get there I won't know.

Should I ever at any time bring up the fact that I know she was preparing to leave me before and during this deployment. I don't mean now, but at any time after I get home?

One thing that made me feel good was the fact that everybody that I've talked to has noticed I haven't said anything bad about her. Even though she's doing this to me I still refuse to bad mouth her to others. In all honesty, where would that get me? It doesn't mean I don't think these things, actually i write them down on paper.

I have remained calm and cool throughout this entire process. I have not and will not argue with her no matter how much she wants to. She at one point commented that I'm not arguing with her because i want to be the better person. Yes, to an extent that's true, but I have no desire to argue about this.

On another positive note. I took some pictures of myself today and posted them on Facebook. I had told friends and family about the weight I've lost and they wanted to see pictures. i didn't realize how good i was looking until I took those pictures and actually saw myself. I'm proud of me for the progress I'm making physically, and about me as whole person.

Like what someone mentioned earlier. I will be a better person for me and my D's, and she just may end up missing the train. I don't want my M to end, but if it does, I know I'm a better person and have done everything I needed to do.

[tbart01]

peace2u I've been reading through your post, and I really wish my W was on this forum. You got some really harsh responses that made you see things from a different perspective.

You at least had the foresight to come to a forum like this. I'm not sure my W feels she wants to save M at this point. I don't ask or snoop so I don't know what shes doing.

She brings up smothering and isolation all the time lately. At no point in our M did she communicate any of this to me. I have never been an absent H, our M has always been us and the kids. That's whats now coming out as part of the problem. There was too much us together and not enough us separately.

I would have gladly tried to change these things in our M if she would have communicated it to me. She waits until this point in our M to tell me everything shes led me to believe was ok, was in fact not.

Why is it the WAW waits until it's too late to communicate these things? I'm working so hard to improve myself and I'm enjoying it. However, I wish she would have talked to me and made me aware of my flaws. It would be up to me at that point whether or not I wanted to fix those flaws. Of course I would have, I never wanted her to be unhappy.

I have relied on my W allot throughout the years. She allowed me to do that, and I allowed her to do the same. Again, I know i haven't been perfect, but neither has she. I have always told her my complaints, but she has always had a knack for being cold and distant. She has the ability to bottle up her feelings, where I let them out.

[tbart01]

Peace, I get a little discouraged when I read your thread. I'm willing to do what I need to do to become a better person and to improve what I KNOW needs improvement. My W waited until it was too late in her mind to tell me. Now that she's finally communicated it to me, and I'm making a whole hearted effort, she won't give me the time.

You and the other WAW's that gave you advice sought help. You hadn't totally given up or else you wouldn't have been here. To my knowledge my W doesn't care to save the M. I could be completely wrong, but that's the impression I have.

My W has a H who is willing to listen to what she's saying. My W has a H who is willing to do what it takes. I've made great discoveries and strides in improving me since I've been over here dealing with my sitch. I will without a doubt go home feeling better about myself, and will continue to improve me.

However, I won't go home feeling any better about my sitch. My W and I will be separated from the moment I get home. I will be different, and she may or not notice or care. Unfortunately, only time will tell exactly what she's going to do. I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go home and spend as much time with two girls that love me. I'm going to continue to stay physically and mentally fit. I don't know what, but I'm going to find something I like to occupy time.

If she doesn't like what she sees, than thats on her. I just need to do my best to focus on me. Being away right now has me to focused on her, because of the unknowns of when I return

[peace2u]

If she doesn't like what she sees, than thats on her. I just need to do my best to focus on me. Being away right now has me to focused on her, because of the unknowns of when I return

I completely get that. It HAS to be hard on you since you're so far away.

I wish your wife were on here too. My H needed to be here, as well.

BUT-nothing you or I can do about that. Yes I got harsh responses...and thank God. It brought me out of being-the-victim mode and forced me to work on ME.

I don't know your W or her sitch...but my sitch was at least similar in the way that I never voiced my opinion. Up until a year ago, I was pretty unaware I even HAD a voice....I played the doormat pretty well.

I'm pulling for you. If you can work on muting the what-if voices in your head - you will be SO much ahead of the game when you return home....BTW...when DO you get to go home?

I'll check in on you later...gotta go get my kid.

Peace

[peace2u]

OH!!! and holy moly - don't get discouraged reading my post. my H has done nothing to help our sitch.

And you ARE!!! There's hope...always is.

[tbart01]

Yeah I got that from reading your post that he doesn't get it. I kept thinking what an idiot. My wife was pretty much in the same sitch as you. However, i never meant to treat her or make her feel that way. She just spent years not communicating it to me.

I have no problem working on myself or our sitch. my whole thing is just tell me, and now that you have just give me the time. i to wish she could find this sight and see other perspectives. I'm working really hard to make improvements.

I have 3 more long weeks left to go. I'm starting to get rally nervous because I don't know what I'm going to encounter when get home. I sure am looking forward to seeing my daughters, and spending time with them like I always have.

[steady]

You're absolutely correct about walking on eggshells. There is so much advice to absorb, and I'm afraid of doing something wrong. I know I have, and probably will do it again.

There is no such thing as doing something wrong..imo. I thought the same thing but it doesn't take a single episode (typically) to make or break a sitch either way. Now there are some things that would but they are not the norm - smacking her around, yelling and screaming at her, etc..

The other back-peddling are things to learn from so you don't keep repeating them.

As peace2u has said; try not to walk on eggshells thinking you're going to do or say something to push it over the edge. Be genuine, stay away from any R, M or future talks. The ideal mindset to have is one where you accept what is, know that you'll be fine no matter which way things go, be totally accepting of whatever the outcome might be, don't be a doormat or mousy...be a mature, sensible, caring friend to her.

It's very difficult to not think about my W and what she's thinking. I know I can't control her thoughts, but i also can't stop thinking about them. It makes it more difficult that I haven't even seen her since the bomb was dropped.

Yes, this is VERY difficult to stop. Rationally you know you can't read her mind, you can't control her thoughts/emotions/actions etc...BUT, and it's a big but, it doesn't make a bit of difference until that knowing sinks into your being.The constant mental repeating of the fact you have no control will help you override the emotional attachment you have.

I'm trying to prepare for how things will be when I get home. That has also got my mind spinning. i really don't know who or what to expect when it comes to her. I hate that there will be nothing physical between us. this isn't what you expect after being away for 6 months.

It's hard to prepare for something you have no idea about. You don't know what is going to transpire. Ideal mindset - have no expectations either positive or negative. Believe me,she's going to be very nervous seeing you. Make a non-intimidating environment as you can. Best mindset - Come off the plane as if nothing about this sitch is affecting you. As if you've completely accepted it and are ok with it.

If she's at the airport do I give her a hug, and what do I say? Once I get home she's dropping me off and it's just me and the kids. How long before we talk? What will I say? What shouldn't I say? Things like this are bouncing through my head.

Would you typically give her a hug? If she were a friend picking you up would you give a hug (or family member)? (that one might not be a good example) If you give her a hug, make it short - and short means ALOT shorter than you think is short. You let go before she does. A brief hug it best. They will know if you are holding on out of some form of needing. Don't be needy. Don't squeezer her tightly. No attempt to give her a kiss. If she makes the move to hug you or kiss you go with it and make it brief. If she hugs you and holds on, hug briefly then let your arms go and make the motion to pull away- she will break the hug when she feels that (hopefully). Otherwise she will feel awkward holding onto you like a limp fish

Say hi. Then immediately focus on the kids. Feel the joy in your body towards them and let that come out completely. Let your kids feel ALL of your love - including the love you want to express to your W. Ask them what they've been up to. Tell them you missed them, you love them and you're so glad to be with them. Hug them with all the love you have.

Don't tell your W that you missed her. Absolutely not. She will feel guilty or have some other negative reaction. You might think she wants reassurance that you love her, care for her, missed her, but this is the last thing she wants in the mindset she is in. Believe me, I made all these mistakes.

What do you say to her when she drops you and the kids off? Thank her for picking you up at the airport. Tell her you appreciate it. Exchange and information you might have to discuss about the kids. Don't linger in or around the car.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY ANYTHING THAT EVEN COMES CLOSE TO THE SITUATION OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

This includes having a sad face, feeling pity for yourself, longing for her to hug you or say something nice. She may do any one of those but just put it in your head they are actions either out of guilt or some idea of obligation. Read nothing into what she says or does.

If she brings up anything about the situation, relationship, apologizing for the way things are, etc... Just look at her and tell her you'd rather not discuss any of that right now because you've had a very long and tiring 6 months overseas and you are drained from that. Say you are tired and in no mindset to have any deep discussions. This is drawing a strong boundary for yourself and shows you are not so desperate to fix or change anything right now. You are allowed to say no. It will also have the effect of her seeing you as a strong man who can and will draw boundaries about what is acceptable for YOU.

Once you guys are done exchanging information say goodbye and walk into the house. If you feel like crying, wait till you're inside when you have time away from the kids, then let it out.

Be the first one to break from the conversation. When you walk away don't look back. Go into the house and do not look out the window or the door etc.. DO NOT LINGER.

Let peace2u read what I wrote before you take it in. Her perspective and input will be very valuable. She'll tell you what she would need in this situation.

[steady]

.......She brings up smothering and isolation all the time lately. At no point in our M did she communicate any of this to me. I have never been an absent H, our M has always been us and the kids. That's whats now coming out as part of the problem. There was too much us together and not enough us separately.

Take this very seriously. It doesn't matter if you think her thinking or emotions are valid. To her, they are very valid and it's what she's thinking and feeling. If she ever brings up any issues about what she's thinking and feeling, just respond with, I understand you are thinking/feeling that way. I understand why you think/feel that way. If you can honestly see how your action helped create the situation that she is feeling negatively about, express that in a way that validates her feeling. ie: I understand when I did _____ you felt _____. DO NOT DEFEND, ATTACK, EXPLAIN etc... Just validate and leave it at that. Under no circumstances are you to engage or get baited into an argument.

I would have gladly tried to change these things in our M if she would have communicated it to me. She waits until this point in our M to tell me everything shes led me to believe was ok, was in fact not.

All of this doesn't matter. Don't say this to her. Just accept things are as they are. She will bring up many, many things to justify why she is doing what she is doing. I'm sure she is harboring a tremendous amount of guilt for what she is doing. She will try to lessen that guilt be trying to get you to do things that will reinforce her position. If you argue or try to show her that she is rewriting the past it will only solidify her rationalization because she will then process it as you not getting her, or minimizing her feelings, etc..

Why is it the WAW waits until it's too late to communicate these things? I'm working so hard to improve myself and I'm enjoying it. However, I wish she would have talked to me and made me aware of my flaws. It would be up to me at that point whether or not I wanted to fix those flaws. Of course I would have, I never wanted her to be unhappy.

Again all of this doesn't matter. She did what she did because she couldn't do it any other way. Think of this - why did you do what you did? Why didn't you change all of the things you are working on now much earlier? It took a bomb for you to see it and have the motivation to start changing it. No one can tell you what it will take for your W to see it.

It's just you wanting to point out what she did wrong. It's her issue she didn't tell you these things sooner, not yours. This issue of hers is part of the things she needs to work out for herself. Just like you had a part to play in the destruction in the M, she played a part also. Don't expect her to take responsibility for her part in it. My W still hasn't. No real progress can be made until both parties accept their part and take responsibility in changing themselves. I'm sure peace2u can attest to that - I imagine her H isn't taking responsibility for his part. I know my W certainly hasn't. She blames me for the whole thing.

I have relied on my W allot throughout the years. She allowed me to do that, and I allowed her to do the same. Again, I know i haven't been perfect, but neither has she. I have always told her my complaints, but she has always had a knack for being cold and distant. She has the ability to bottle up her feelings, where I let them out.

Ok, so you've identified issues you both had. Let hers go. Remember them because they are her part of creating the mess. The ones you see about yourself - work on them. Change them. Understand you will improve and either your W will jump on the train and reap the benefits of what you have to offer, or, you will offer the better you to someone else down the road. Make the changes because you want to be a better person than you were/are right now. It has to be for this reason and not for getting the M back. We all come here to save our marriages, over time we come to realize it's about saving ourselves and if the M is saved then it's a bonus.