Wow, my panic either was a premonition of, or created, today's crisis. Don't know which any more.
Panic central.
S had peed in the bed last night. I tossed the sheets in the washer sleepily. Turned it on this morning before leaving.
H comes over this afternoon to be with S while I'm at rehearsal.
Big mess in wash room as there was a library book caught in the sheets that shredded and blocked the washer.
Panic= this is MORE OF THE SAME
H has asked me repeatedly to be careful of library books on his card - OF COURSE THIS BOOK WAS ONE OF THE RARE BOOKS ON HIS CARD
H has repeatedly asked me to check fabrics carefully before washing so there's no problems with machine
Previously H has gone into RAGES over these kind of "mess ups"
They happen almost psychically. LIke how he never takes S's books out of the library on his card, but the one time he does, I end up putting it in the wash.
This is the kind of thing that he previously has shouted at me that "see nothing's changed I don't expect any different from you" I have almost felt like I'm under a spell that no matter how much I get my life together, these mistakes happen and they drive H INSANE.
The good news is he calmly told me about the fiasco this afternoon and only went as far as to say that he did not want to spend his afternoon cleaning that up.
The bad news I'm having a complete panic attack. All my feelings of no matter what I do it's wrong in H's eyes, no matter how I change he can't acknowledge them, only my mistakes, that even when he's calm there's this underlying assumption that he is perfect and I am always messing up and this is why he can't live with me or share anything with me.
