Sounds like great GAL SR! It really is a great time to be enjoying the outdoors. We can let spring boost our PMA.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
How's the weekend going? I just got rid of eight 13 year-old's for my son's birthday sleepover. Now, I have to go out and run, before round TWO S13 birthday celebration (family)!
You have your D6 this weekend, right? Hope all is well!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Hi mindfull, thanks for checking up on me. I'm doing OK. Yes I have DD this weekend. Saturday when STBXW came by to drop her off it was pretty rough. DD didn't want to let go of her and STBXW kept prolonging it. The whole episode took almost 20 mins until I finally said to her to just go and she'll be OK! I picked DD up as STBXW left and then DD started wailing. It was really hard for both me and DD but within 5 mins I had her stop crying and laughing again. Since then I'm exhausted just trying to spend every min with her, she follows me around and I can't really do anything else but tend to her. She has said a few things about missing her mom since but just in the passing. When we were having lunch today she pointed at the chair her mom used to sit and said "that's an extra chair, because mommy doesn't live here now". Yesterday, whe also said "I wish mommy still lived with us daddy". I just tell her "I know sweetie, it's OK though because daddy's here and we'll play and have lots of fun together". And we did lots of fun stuff together and she had a good time.
Last night when she spoke with her mom she asked if she could see her today. She answered "maybe, but you have to promise not to cry when I leave, ok?" - I was thinking how do you tell a little kid to not express her feelings and hurt. I guess she wants everyone to be like her i.e. keep things bottled up inside until she's ready to run away from the problems.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
All three of my kids had issues being dropped off at school. (Seriously, am I THAT cool? LOL) You really just have to make it a clean swift break. She's going to cry, but the longer you let her prolong the goodbye in both your presence, the harder it will be... Just distract her as soon as possible once Mom leaves (or you do, if she's crying going to Mom, too). Sucks, huh? I feel ya!
When my D18 was tiny, she would sob, and hold onto me. Then, I would cry. That helps!
HUGS, friend! A PB&J never hurts, either!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Saturday when STBXW came by to drop her off it was pretty rough. DD didn't want to let go of her and STBXW kept prolonging it. The whole episode took almost 20 mins until I finally said to her to just go and she'll be OK! I picked DD up as STBXW left and then DD started wailing. It was really hard for both me and DD but within 5 mins I had her stop crying and laughing again.
SR, some believe that what children need in situations like this is to have the "baton" of attachment passed from one caregiver to the other. Ideally there would be some kind of set overlap (15 min) where you and STBX are both with your D, and having casual interactions. She is still pretty young and needs the signals that the transition is OK.
Also, it would be good to have some kind of routine that you have with your D that you do every time she comes to your place - like snuggling together under a special blanket in a comfy chair, or reading from a chapter book or wrestling or whatever. The routine will help to establish feelings of security. With the tickling and distraction...you need to strike a balance there. Make space for her to express her sadness and the pain of the confusion, while drawing her into positive feelings and experiences. When she is feeling sad, you can help her with writing a letter to your W, drawing her a picture, etc.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
Since then I'm exhausted just trying to spend every min with her, she follows me around and I can't really do anything else but tend to her.
My special needs 6 yo has an excessive need for attention so sometimes I deal with it by setting a timer: 10 min of doing adult stuff, 10 min of spending time with my kids, alternating indefinitely. It works really well because they don't feel starved for attention and I don't feel desperate to get stuff done.
Do you have outings planned? You mentioned wanting to camp with her. Sometimes H and I have gone "camping" with the kids and just set up a tent and made a fire and cooked lunch over it (don't forget the marshmallows). No need to stay overnight. Just really fun.
And at home, do you have an awesome craft area set up for her? Paper, markers, scissors, glue, stickers, paper punches, stamps and stamp pads, recycling materials, dollar store gems and glitter. Girls can usually keep pretty busy with this kind of thing for quite a while ;), esp if you are partially available.
What about shopping and preparing a meal together? Pizza with homemade dough. Very fun and doable with a 6 yo.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
Yesterday, whe also said "I wish mommy still lived with us daddy". I just tell her "I know sweetie, it's OK though because daddy's here and we'll play and have lots of fun together".
What about "I know sweetie, you miss having her live here". You don't want her to feel that she has to be "OK" for you even if she doesn't feel OK.
I strongly recommend this super fast and easy read:
Your library definitely has it and it will help you tweak your communication with your D.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Mind, FM, thank you for those great suggestions. I just ordered the book on amazon along with For Men Only, The Journey from Abandonment and the Gator Radio Control car for my DD! Almost ordered that Roomba vaccum that I've been thinking of getting.
FM, you raised some excellent points and I try to strike the balance between her expressing her sadness and distracting her. I hold her and tell her that I know she misses mommy and she wants mommy; and then I tell her that she'll have fun with daddy and that daddy loves her very much. I even tell her that both mommy and daddy love her thiiiiis much.
As for the activities she wants me to not only sit with her (and I'm totally fine with that) but she also wants me to actually color with her or play with her littlest-pet-shop toys or even when she's doing crafts she wants me to do it too. I do as much as I can, I just get tired/bored but I try not to show it. We mostly go out and hang out at the park, go bike riding. In fact, today we took her and my bike to a trail nearby (new to her), it was really fun, she had a good time. We also set up her kid's tent in the backyard and played for a while with the cats etc.
There's an urban farm nearby I wanted to take her to but for some reason she didn't want to go today. I was going to take her to the movies but the show times didn't work out, maybe next time.
Actual camping will be tough without her mom since you have to drive a good few hours to get anywhere and we usually took our travel trailer. I do bring her to the parks with picnic tables and have lunch there once in a while.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
As for the activities she wants me to not only sit with her (and I'm totally fine with that) but she also wants me to actually color with her or play with her littlest-pet-shop toys or even when she's doing crafts she wants me to do it too. I do as much as I can, I just get tired/bored but I try not to show it.
I hear 'ya . That's why the timer trick works well. I can handle 10 min of lego, then I get a 10 min BREAK. It just ends up feeling more balanced to me. And they get used to it quickly.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I think you're especially sensitive because D6 isn't w/you all the time. TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE! And, you might want to make up for lost time... But, remember, it's OK for them to have to entertain themselves, too!
Gosh, time flies. Littlest pet shop toys! Seems like yesterday that my D18 was doing that stuff... How quickly you find yourself confiscating beer cans from behind their bed! (NOT KIDDIN!)
You sound like a really great Dad. Just be you.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I've been thinking in the back of my mind about my conversations with my STBXW. I've been very short and to the point and could easily be read as if I'm mad. I know there's a fine line between the two so maybe I need to say thanks and please more or a few LOLs in there or something.
yes there is a fine line, but IMHO, you always want to be polite. and sound happy and content with your life. because sounding unhappy doesn't get you anywhere.
Quote:
DB'ing is about creating an atmosphere where reconciliation can take place, but it is not a cure and there more stories of failure here than success because, in spite of what Ms. Weiner-Davis says, it is NOT possible for one person to save a marriage.
OF, why would you say that? it is SO possible. I know a few of us that have. I totally agree with what you said after that though, and I'm so sorry that your M was not saved (right now...you never know what may happen down the road), but Michelle did say it is not guaranteed. it definitely is something the other person has to choose as well, but DBing gives us the absolute best chance at saving our M. I never would have believed it, if it hadn't happened to me.
Romeo, I am glad you voiced your opinion about the schedule with DD. good job. and you left it an open question so that it wasn't just YOU planning it, as you mentioned she never liked.
oh, and great job biking, and your list of GAL activities are great! definitely get the motorcycle out, just wear the helmet and drive smart. was it she that thought it was dangerous? or was that your choice?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
that is so wonderful that you are spending this time with her romeo. she will remember this. my dad never did that. the thing I remember about him... sitting on his recliner watching the football game reading a comic eating potato chips and listening to the radio trying to win some tickets to something. lol
you keep playing with her, and use that timer trick, that is a great idea. maybe do 15 min, 10 is kinda short, and she's dealing with disabled kids, so I think 15-20 would work good.
hey, not that this has ANYTHING to do with your DD... but look at it this way...when a W just lays there for her H to do his "thing"...is the H getting real enjoyment or feeling loved? no...he wants the W to enjoy it too.
sorry, just what came to mind!!!
oh, and perhaps your stbx (or whatever the abv is) was saying her not to cry, because she didn't want you to feel bad or have your feelings hurt. that's what I would think anyways. however, it's totally expected, the mom is usually more the caregiver, so the kids, especially younger ones naturally feel drawn to their moms. but sounds like that role could easily switch.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
. That's why the timer trick works well. I can handle 10 min of lego, then I get a 10 min BREAK. It just ends up feeling more balanced to me. And they get used to it quickly.