Talia's New Home

[Gardener]

I can't stand the person H is now... what I miss is just a memory! It is nice to remind myself of that and be OK will missing the memory... I think thats perfectly acceptable and normal!! ;)T

Amen!
Good luck with that job!

[talia]

Its been such a tough few days! I have several interviews lined up - so at least the job thing dosen't seem TOO bleak. I just can't afford down time right now so I'm hoping that I get something by Fri.

The BIG frusteration... H... again. He finally realized that I was actually going to hold him to my email in Feb about what I will/won't be contributing to "our" bills until he files. He has officially FREAKED out. He finally hired a L - which is good. L is telling him lots of stuff about "how" this will be for me, how a judge will be so pi$$ed at me for making him pay for the bills, etc. He can't differentiate between what his obligations are NOW, while we are still married, and what things will be AFTER a divorce is final. He wants it all that way now - RIGHT NOW. He is so short sighted and stupid. I don't understand how I married that person - UGH. At the same time I am just horribly upset at all this - I'm sure its the combo of all the stress.... but I'm in tears. HOW DID WE EVER GET TO THIS?

I'm working with L to see what my bottom line is. I figure I'll propose it to him as my only deal - if he dosen't like it we will sort it out in court. This way he can pay his attny to draft/file the paperwork and as long as it says what I want - I won't contest. It will be quick and easy for him and I don't have the expense of the paperwork.

I keep telling myself that I am better off and that I did ALL I could.. but in the end this is SO NOT what I want. I don't want to stay married to that man but I don't want to be divorced either. This whole thing just royally sucks.

At least if this is over soon I will be free to have new relationships and start over. Its time for me to move on with my life.

I don't know why the finality of this is so hard on me today....


T

[lea74]

Hi Talia, I totally understand it is really hard. My D should be finalised in about 7 weeks and I am dreading it. A friend told me to look at it as a fresh start. I do believe also that if it was meant to be maybe your H and you will get back together after some time. People do remarry.

I totally agree let him do all the work, dont make it easy for him and look after you. I have to issue a court order to my H this week. As much as I am not looking forward to it it is what I need to do.

I read somewhere that if you have to D (even if you dont want it) try to get the best D ever.

[trytryagain]

(((Talia)))

hang in there, talia. i totally understand the how did we get to this feeling. my H actually said the D word last night on the phone...and i really didn't know how to handle it. it's so frustrating dealing with someone who can't see the bigger picture of what all this will mean in the long term, and i know it's nearly impossible to keep telling yourself you're better off. but in all reality, you're right. you are. and i am, too.

you know what i keep telling myself? i don't want to not be divorced just because i don't want a divorce. divorce is never the intention when you say "i do," but in the long term, sometimes it's necessary when a relationship goes really wrong.

reality is setting in for me too, and it's freaked me out because i'm scared to death of change. but look how far you've come already. i bet there is a long list of things you've accomplished since the bomb that you never even imagined you'd be capable of doing. like you said, you don't want to stay married to that man. i often think to myself, what is it that i'm holding on to? i was lonely a lot. i was unhappy a lot. why should i settle for that just because i don't want to be 30 and divorced?

starting over can seem like a curse but if you embrace it without fear, you may find it to be a blessing instead.

and at the very least...you're not alone!!

[chatterbug]

Because your human. And you are open to your emotions. Truth to yourself is a beautiful thing.

[pearlharbr]

(((talia)))

Please please please reconsider retaining an attorney. It sounds like H has retained a shark (or at least a jerk) and I don't want you to be caught off guard.

I know you don't want this D but you're going to have to deal with it if/when it comes to you. Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. But I have faith that you will survive and thrive because you have done some hard work on yourself. You know how to make yourself happy and that is huge.

Let yourself have a bad day every now and then but get right back into it and create the life you know you deserve. That includes a good job and a great man.

[talia]

Hi All,
Pearl - I have a L - I've had one for a while now. I was just waiting/forcing H to man up. Me following through with the financial changes has done that. He was delaying because I was making it easy for him.... thats over now! Its not that I don't want this D - obviously its not my end goal - but if I have to have it I want to be sure I get the best deal possible for me. I'm not too blind to see that this is a legally binding contract that affects all aspects of my life. I need to advocate for myself and make sure I come out on top financially. I'm on that page - don't worry!

Talked to L - sent H my "proposal" for the D. If he agree's his L can file the paperwork with that in it and I won't contest... otherwise he can file whatever he wants and I will file that proposal with the court. Its fair and reasonable and right in line with the final numbers he told spy he thought we would end up at. It will be interesting to see if he really wants this to be over quickly and easily. I should have D paper by the end of this week or early next week according to H. We will see.

I yelled at him on the phone yesterday... Told him I wanted to be done with him and his craziness, he needed to find his balls, man up and file the f*ing paperwork. That really felt good - I haven't unloaded on him yet in all this. I've been very firm and clear and stood up for myself - but I haven't yelled. I felt alot better actually!!

Got a job offer today. Its not what I had hoped it would be ... but I am mulling it over. At least there's one on the table - thats pretty quick turn around!!

Funny thing... I'm feeling a little bit lost about having to decide if taking that position is right. This is the first time in 7 years I haven't had someone to consider/consult in making that decision! Its freakin me out a little - not that I can't make the decision as I'm perfectly capable - its just I feel like I'm missing something in the decision making process. Its a very weird feeling... but I guess I can be thankful that I can label the feeling for what it is and process it.... I'm so grateful for having learned that in this process!!! Thank goodness for the victories in this....

I'm emotionally beat. I can't wait to get through this whole thing and be free. I'm just sick of being in the middle of this whole mess! I'm ready to be done with it all. H can have his craziness and I will deal with being divorced.

Last night I had IC - thank goodness! We made a list of all the bad things H did during our marriage and all the things that he would need to improve before he would deserve me. It was extensive. It really helped me see that there were lots of things I overlooked in the marriage that I shouldn't have and I deserve someone who is willing to grow WITH me to be a better person. I've grown over the years and especially over the last 6 months - H hasn't grown at all and clearly dosen't want to. We are working on re-defining marriage and divorce, since my issues isn't so much missing H but actually being divorced. I truly seem to have a deep sense that divorce makes you a bad person - remnants of my childhood I guess. IC thinks its time to change those beliefs to something along the lines of..
D is bad between two loving, equal, involved partners.
D is not bad between a willing partner and an unwillng, abusive partner....

I'm pushing through all these new feelings...


Hugs!
T

[flowmom]

Congratulations on the job offer . I hope you can come to a decision that feels solid.

I know what you mean about the idea of being divorced. I've discovered all sorts of baggage about that

[talia]

I had no idea that I had such deep seated beliefs about D.... I have no idea where that came from. Just one more bag to open up and sort through!! Pretty soon all the baggage will be neatly sorted and I'll be able to move on!!!

[Wholeagain]

Talia,

Congratulations on the job offer!

I'm struggling with the same beliefs about D too. What keeps me leveled:
I know I don't want D. I want to work things out.
I give it at least a year since separation and let things be.
Somehow I find peace in letting things happen as they go.

It doesn't mean I don't get angry with him when there is stuff for us to sort out and he won't cooperate.