G-man, do you guys have a family therapist? One who specializes in infidelity and understands it as an addiction? A FT who puts divorce as the LAST route to explore in working wtih a marriage?
I think if a FT could feed some of this to your wife, she can get the hand-holding she needs in learning how to repair this kind of damage (its not always intuitive) and yo udon't have to humiliate yourself by educating her yourself.
Let's put it this way.. what is the full timeline here?
At what day did the contact officially END to your knoweldge?
i think on or around Feb 8th (when i figured out OM was calling and texting her) but i only found out that it was physical from OM W on 3/13.
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how long have you HAD to recover?
still not sure i have recovered - not even been a week
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After a certain point she can certainly complain you are cake eating yourself, but we need to know how long you've been wrestling with all of this.
WAW appeared about mid January - was trying to DB from then until about a week ago (BOMB), so i have been mentaly and physically at this for a couple of months now.
The thing i find hard is she is trying to be open with me, but in my eyes she needs to be doing more, especially the saying sorry thing....and i have told her that. her response is that she is afraid i will go back to the way i was, and that she has seen hints of it showing through so can't let her guard down.
her doing this does upset me - which is what the old me would do, pout and crap like that....but i am trying not to do that as well. just been punched so many times lately that i need something to show me she is committed to workign with me.
kind of sounds like the chicken and the egg pardox doesn't it...lol
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
The thing i find hard is she is trying to be open with me, but in my eyes she needs to be doing more, especially the saying sorry thing....and i have told her that. her response is that she is afraid i will go back to the way i was, and that she has seen hints of it showing through so can't let her guard down.
her doing this does upset me - which is what the old me would do, pout and crap like that....but i am trying not to do that as well. just been punched so many times lately that i need something to show me she is committed to workign with me.
kind of sounds like the chicken and the egg pardox doesn't it...lol
You BOTH have put each other through a wringer.
Give her time. Give yourself time. When I moved back home, there were some rocky moments/days b/c neither one of us was SURE that the old marriage was gone. And I don't mean just in the beginning - I mean that we still today work through old junk. I don't worry so much that he will pick up his old ways, but it crosses my mind how he used to handle things with me. And I wouldn't be shocked to find out that he still feels twinges of hurt b/c I left. But with time, these feelings have decreased and with that comes an increase in openess.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
WAW appeared about mid January - was trying to DB from then until about a week ago (BOMB), so i have been mentaly and physically at this for a couple of months now.
The thing i find hard is she is trying to be open with me, but in my eyes she needs to be doing more, especially the saying sorry thing....and i have told her that. her response is that she is afraid i will go back to the way i was, and that she has seen hints of it showing through so can't let her guard down.
her doing this does upset me - which is what the old me would do, pout and crap like that....but i am trying not to do that as well. just been punched so many times lately that i need something to show me she is committed to workign with me.
kind of sounds like the chicken and the egg pardox doesn't it...lol
OK, you need to tell your wife the following :
1. Finding out another man has been MOUNTING your WIFE is NOT something you recover from OVERNIGHT - I am gonig to be ALL OVER THE PLACE for at LEAST THREE MONTHS
2. My pouting and being distant NOW has a LOT do to with the fact that ANOTHER MAN has beeen MOUNTING my WIFE - do NOT expect me to be doing any handsprings anytime soon, this does NOT make me an A$$... it makes me a BETRAYED HUSBAND my dear.
3. I love you and I AM an adult, so I am working on this, but the recovery process takes a LOT LONGER than a WEEK.. someone has VIOLATED my MARRIAGE and my WIFE - I NEED to PROCESS THAT.
4. Do NOT jump to conclusions about what I am feeling and take it personally or think that I am "just an a$$". Until I have had time to process this mess you need to give me the benefit of the doubt.. I can always refuse to trust YOU TOO and think YOU will never change, but I WANT to trust you again... but that is NOT going to happen overnight.
And yes you guys are in a trust standoff. There are things you both can do.
1. Leave all your phones and computers open, do NOT password stuff. I know you weren't lying to her, but it DOES improve trust if she has complete transparency from you as well.. and her issues ARE about trust.
2. Talk to her to let her know how you feel. Even if you feel lousy, tell her "I Feel hurt and scared". You don't need to do more if you can't offer more than that, but say SOMETHING so she can take a temperature of where the relationship is at. It will get better but you need to help her get in there at least a little so she can have some hope.
3. Find a good FT that deals with infidelity as an addiction.
4. Write to her if you can't talk.
5. Do some improvements on the home. Putting effort into the home to make it more livable does a LOT for trust and morale in your home. If you put time into the home, it usually gives your spouse the feeling you plan on staying there for a while...
Thanks for the advice once again....i have been trying to tell her many of these things in my own words....
all i can tell her is that i am trying and it is VERY hard...the stupid little questions i have like "when was the last time you had contact with him?" seem to make things worse in her opinion....i tell her i do not want "exact" details but some questions need to be answered and she goes cold on me.
after showing he emails from OM W to me - i think she really feels like a used piece of meat and talking about it only makes it sting all the more.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
She needs to get out of her head and how SHE feels, a marriage is more important than how SHE feels right now, you guys have three kids and they pick up on this stuff... they feed off the mood in the home.. they aren't stupid.
Your wife needs to buckle down and run the gauntlet and stop worrying about how much it hurts her.
Heck, a dentist drill hurts, but I would rather have that than lose a tooth
OM W and i have had a few emails back and forth - she has told me what hes has said about my W persuing him and she meant nothing to him....which is opposite of what she told me of course.
she has very few words for me right now and even less actions....i told her i will not share her mind or body with another man and if she is still toiling with her feelings for him than it will never work bertween us
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
gman, I have been away from Newcomers for quite some time since headin' on over to Surviving the Big D. Lost touch with you. Sorry for that. Just caught up on all your recent developments. AllenA, Robx, Greek and NewMama got your back. Keep listening to and following them Time. Timelines. Therapy. Forgiveness. And each of you owning up to what you contributed to this. That's all I have to offer. And prayers for a good outcome for a bad sitch that shows real potential for repair and reconciliation.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
so this morning was not so good...she has been very stand-offish to me the past couple of days, i called her out on it.
i asked if she wanted to commit to reparing our mariage and move forward - told me she was "confused" and "didn't know what to do" - then i asked if she still has feelings for OM (mistake i am guessing) - her answer of "i don't know" didn't sit well with me.
needless to say this lead to me "reminding" her she is the one who betrayed our mariage and family when she dropped her panties repeatedly...stupid emotions got the better of me.
so this leads me to wonder what to do if she is not sure if she wants to remain with me....i treadted he like an adult and tried to reclaim my nuts at the same time, was it a mistake by me?
I am no longer going to be a victim and roll over to please her - time for her to do something about this situation.
man this sucks royal a$$!
Last edited by gman; 03/22/1001:17 PM.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
well....after my great morning yesterday I recalled several times in the advice i have been given not to continually "beat her up" about her A - i also recalled that i had her look at the 5LL's quick quiz online the night before....i had thought she was "acts of service" but her answers were between "Words of affermation" and "gifts"
on the way home for lunch i decided to offer an olive branch - i stopped and pick up some flowers and when i got home told her i have not foriven her, but i do want to move foreward and stop "beating her up" for US and our FAMILY.
the flowers were pretty...lol but still think she does not trust my changes are perminate.
FYI - she knows my LL is physical touch and that is why i think her A is so hard for me to process.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
