flowmom | need to commit to myself

[TulsaTime]

I'd like to join in with you flowmom, r22 and you too Gardener. I relate all too well with what you're going through.

I've been apart from my wife for a year and a half now. I have no desire to look or even imagine a life with someone else. The thought of being alone like this is frightening.

My wide and family gave me so much purpose. Now that they are gone, I find myself lost. I procrastinate even getting bills done.

The hardest part is getting out of bed. Luckily, my job is easy and pays decently well. I have really closed off from people over this time. Done alot of praying.

I am working on changing my thoughts though. I get my daughter each week and that helps. I visit my brother each week and I recently started back up a game night once a week.

I hope this helps but it's a long, painful process.

I am always amazed at the strength people here show by being able to walk away or pick themselves back up and live life again.

[K4D]

TulsaTime,

Call me.

Kevin

[flowmom]

TT, I know what you're going through. I recommend that book I linked to above for confusedwife. I know that sadness, paralysis, and hopelessness could take over my life and I'm not going to let that happen. H can kill my hopes and dreams for a shared life, but he can't kill my spirit or the rest of my life. Perhaps he will be my last true love, but if that's true then I will share my life with people in other ways.

What self-care looks like for me right now:

- doing IC
- starting AD
- looking as awesome as I can
- doing things outside of my comfort zone to broaden my horizons
- reading books
- spending time with friends
- taking care of paperwork
- trying to open my mind to having a good future, even though I have NO CLUE what that would look like

[flowmom]

So my children are spending overnight with H tonight and tomorrow night. GAL for tonight is going to a Spring Equinox Drumming Ceremony. I've never been to anything like this but I'll have my confident sister with me for protection . I thought it might be a good thing to try because 1. it has a spiritual focus and 2. I don't have to engage in superficial social interactions (I hope) and 3. celebrating the equinoxes and solstices is meaningful to me. Not particularly looking forward to it, but I guess I have to keep trudging forward "as if".

[chatterbug]

I think you are going to have a good evening. Do not let the negative of yesterday ,this afternoon affect your perfect evening with your sister.

[flowmom]

Thanks CB

Need some input here:

So, when H picked up the kids he tried to initiate a conversation about finances as he was sitting at the dining room table with the kids . Now that I've had a little practice, it was easier for me to say "I'd be happy to discuss that with you in private -- let's book a time". He said OK, but then went on to say "I'm guessing your earning isn't being limited by the amount of childcare that you're getting [subtext is "you're NOT working like crazy during all the time that I've "given" you to work"]. I'm getting really burned out by working - doing childcare - working - doing childcare". I replied "I can understand that".

What the heck to I say to him when I have to talk about this with him???????

He can't keep up the childcare/working pace that he's been doing...and it IS my problem as I'm currently relying on him to pay the bills.

I just don't know how to respond to this without getting trapped into a defensive role. Should I put the ball in his court: [b"]OK, tell me what your expectations are about my earning and childcare time and I'll let you know if I can agree to that"?[/b] I honestly don't know what his expectations are, other than I work my butt off fixing our financial problems, while gracefully dealing with having been dumped, and doing all the regular mothering stuff.

If anyone can walk me through how to have this conversation, I would be ever so grateful. He will not let this drop...this is a followup from his email the other day...

[Freckle6]

I think since he's pushing this, it'd really be in your best interest to have a consult with a lawyer (or 3) to find out exactly what kind of support (child/spousal) you are entitled to. Child support if usually easy to figure because there are online calculators, but if he could be required to pay alimony to you too, a lawyer would be better able to tell you that.

If your "earnings" have been reduced like this since you had children and if your stich is one where he may have to provide additional spousal support, I would think it would hurt your case if you make a precedent now of working more. You can DB and still look out for yourself and your kids at the same time.

[flowmom]

I know I need legal advice. But what on earth would I say to him in the conversation? "Remember when I said that I'd work on helping get us out of debt? Well, I changed my mind". That would be a red flag to a bull. This is a huge issue in our M and I think he could get nasty about it. I'm totally reliant on him to pay our mortgage and give me money to pay the bills.

[rr22]

Freckle6 has a point. I know you know you need to go for a legal appointment. Maybe the time has come to say you are not stalling, you are awaiting further advice. Either that or tell him you will be free to discuss it in three weeks (if by that time you feel you can get good financial advice).

Here's the reality: he is going to try to shame you to reduce his payments to the family. You feel ashamed, thus he might accomplish this if you're not careful. 2) He was part of the decision for you to have children, homeschool, and thus have reduced earnings. It could easily take 6 months to a year for you to earn a full-time income. You can only accomplish this by making other childcare arrangements. I continue to believe you cannot be healthy, homeschool, and work full-time.

He will have to pay more alimony if you are to continue to homeschool. He is going to be angry about this.

So what can you do? Make your appointment and get legal advice ASAP and stall gracefully.

Use the next month to think about a solution to this and what it may look like.

When you ultimately meet with H to discuss finances, only agree to do it in public or in a coffee shop if you think he is going to blow his lid.

[rr22]

Let me put this another way.

He thinks that because he takes the kids two nights a week you should bill 24 hours freelance labor on those two days and have NO OTHER DAYS OFF all week while you provide childcare and homeschool. Is this your understanding? If so, not reasonable.

You don't have to bill 24 hours on those two days so he can reduce his child support or alimony. His choice to leave, his financial risk. You don't have to fix it. You could decide to get what the law allows whether he likes it or not. THis may sound harsh, but you can't have no days off per week.