How do you forget....how do you turn off the love?

[ddstartingover]

Thank you Snodderly. Your support means a lot! More than you could know.

I really really am trying to keep the focus off of him, and I'm glad that I am able to resist the urge to reply, but the tears have begun again. I know that I will NEVER get the luxury of understanding. Just when I feel like I'm accepting better it seems I have another setback. I don't think this will be a huge setback, but a setback nontheless.

Yesterday I spoke to a friend that I hadn't talked to in a long time. A high school friend, my maid of honour. She divorced 8 or 9 years ago. I remember when she was going through her divorce feeling so grateful that that would never be me. I remember when she went through the anger stage that I was so happy that would NEVER be be.....but as I talked to her and told her of what was going on I could hear myself. I heard the anger. I noticed how I kept bringing the conversation around to what he's doing/done and I couldn't stop. I really don't want this to be ME.

[job]

Anger is one of the stages that you will go through. You have to go through the grieving process to get to the other side. Each and every person here will go through it at some point.

You will have to find a way to keep the focus on you and your life. Yes, there will be days when he will pop out and disrupt your day, but keep in mind...he doesn't have one clue as to what he's doing to you and your frame of mind. It's all about him and what he wants or needs at that given time. He's a taker.

[ddstartingover]

My question(s) of the day: How do I DETACH in an effort to save ME, but still remain available or open should H ever come around? How do I DETACH and DISTANCE, but still be able to show compassion and understanding for what he is going through?

[TrentC]

My question(s) of the day: How do I DETACH in an effort to save ME, but still remain available or open should H ever come around? How do I DETACH and DISTANCE, but still be able to show compassion and understanding for what he is going through?

Detachment is about ending the need to take responsibility for your H's actions and feelings. It's not necessarily about becoming cold, or uncommunicative. If you haven't read the Livestrong article on detachment, now is a good time: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Distance can be achieved by continuing to live your life, and taking care of your kids.

You can develop compassion and understanding by continuing to learn more about what your H is going through. When I find myself having a hard time with my wife I come here and read through some of the MLC success stories and the suggested reading. I also go back through some of the books that have helped me such as The Divorce Remedy, The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca, and Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz.

[are you kidding]

Still working on that too.

If you go to the resource thread old pilot, linked how to detach.

Another thing that I'm trying is if you go to the topic Help Read this email.

There is a link to another mlc website, great article on how to detach.

It's hard, we don't get to just flip a switch like our spouses did. Can definately relate to the praying, the emptiness, the anxiety.

[are you kidding]

Great Trent linked the livestrong one, that's the one I was posting about, then follow that up with the other sites article.

It goes into more detail...

One of these days I'm going to learn how to link this stuff:)

I'm so computer illeterate just mastering the right click on the mouse.

[ddstartingover]

I have read the Livestrong article, many times. I have read the MLC resources, many times. It has taken me a very LONG time to stop blaming myself for EVERYTHING, including what my H is going through, but I am finally at that point. I know what my journey is. I know that I have to focus on myself. I also know that my future is MINE and that I will be ok on my own. I believe all of this. I feel this, and understand this part of where I am at.

I have been told that in order to help with detachment that I need to only respond to my H's texts and e-mails if a question is asked. This is what I have been doing. It has helped me take control-----because I am not tempted to respond with anything emotional. I know that when I let my emotions take control I am giving him continued control of how I feel.

However, when I do this I do feel as if I am most likely coming off as cold and uncommunicative----please help me understand what the difference is.

On the (now) rare occasions that we see each other I make sure that I am upbeat, positve and give a sense of how "OK" I am.

Please, I am looking for examples on how to be detached but not cold. How to respond on a limited basis without being uncommunicative. I would love to hear examples of what has worked for people and what has not.

By not responding to my H's e-mail about my L's response --- to point out that she DID respond (he must have missed it, or it went to SPAM???) am I being uncommunicative or detached????? I am really feeling unsure of the differences here.

[are you kidding]

No just respond if it's a question, Snodderly suggested that and that's what I'm doing to.

Besides anything more than a yes or no response, leads to a heck of a lot worse, believe me.

It's probably kind of both in regards to the uncommunicative and cold.

But see they really don't want to hear from us right now.

And if the email is too long, they miss good points and of course find the points to come back at you like a nuclear bomb.

My wife texts like a teen with yep instead of yes, yep shows no respect, YES,NO,MAYBE.

And don't you really ask for anything, you need to show you're independent and do not need his help.

It drives me nuts, that my wife won't let me help with anything, she'll call or have the neighbors over.

So as a man I'm telling you, if you show your independent or got it handled, might help you out, too.

Go to the topic I created and go to that lenoramlc site, great, great thing on detachment.

[are you kidding]

They forget, my wife does and did on a lot of things, pointing it out or resends info, makes them look stupid and us like a know it all parent.

If he asks for the info, then give it again, but don't alude to already gave it to you or anything like that.

I made that mistake a couple times, with I sent you that already, well what was I doing, showing her she was stupid and I'm better than her and that isn't what I want her to feel and me, I'm me, no better or worse than anyone else.

[ddstartingover]

And don't you really ask for anything, you need to show you're independent and do not need his help.

I DO NOT ask for any help with anything. I really can do it all on my own, and do (I could give you plenty of examples)----and I have doubted that as a fault of mine too. If the man sees that the woman does NOT need him for anything doesn't that give him more of a reason, justification or approval for being gone???


So........is it uncommunicative to ignore the e-mail about the L? Should I forward her response to him, making sure the time and date are noted? Or do I just let my L contact him tomorrow?