e-mail convo between my wife and i

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Okay, I'm going to be the contrarian here.

First, before I go there, you are playing a very dangerous game if this conversation was going on an email/messaging system on computers supplied by your employer. And if this was also going on during the time your employer was paying you to do something else, you might find your asses out on the street really fast. You might have something else to worry about other than the health of your sex life. You will find that if you are using your employer's system, you have NO RIGHT or expectation of privacy and the law is very clear on this point.

So, if I were you, if for no other reason than self-preservation, knock this off.

I'm lead to believe that this is a verbatim transcript and you've got it. While it may be important to present exactly what was said, you might wish to consider that somewhere else on the system, someone else has this also.

Consider this words of wisdom for both of you.

Words are very important in this and you are in a no-win position right now, particularly with respect to what you've both said. She does not want you to put words in her mouth and that is something that you should respect but you should also insist on reciprocation.

Now the issues I see:

First, she has a body image problem AND she wants you to be a mind-reader so that you know just what is going on for her and act accordingly. Here’s the bad news: absolutely nothing you say and do can make that situation better and everything you say and do (including what you don’t do that you were supposed to know what to do, will make that worse. Look at the beginning of the transcript and it’s all right there. Whatever your reasons for wanting a picture of her, she tells you right there in black and white about her image problem.

You told her that you loved looking at her and her body, right? And look at the response you got. She completely dismissed it. There is the part about what you should know (mindreading) there, too. Here’s the point: she has this view of her body and because she has it, everyone else must also. After all, she’s spent a lot of time training you and everyone else to see the defects that she sees. When you tell her that you love her and looking at her, well you are obviously lying to her, right? I suggest that is the way she sees it.

Another important point (and true throughout) is about making the other person “wrong” so that we can be “right.” I’ve been accused of that a few times myself. There is a difference between being correct and accurate on something and “making someone else wrong” on the facts, so that you can be right. You do have to distinguish between the facts and you (or her interpretation of the facts). When you have something written down, it’s a lot harder to dispute what someone said.

Let me give a reversed example (and this may be going on for you). The section on the wheels is confusing even though I’ve read it a couple of times. The take I get is that she is more excited by new wheels than she is by you. This is where you could make her wrong…the next time she wants sex, send her to the wheels that got her so excited. It makes you right, her wrong and denies her intimacy.

And that brings us to the sex.

She states that you are lucky you get any at all and that she does it to make YOU happy.

WRONG ANSWER.

Now, as to whether your sex life is boring, she clearly states it is and so do you but each of you disagrees whether and to what extent you’ve attempted to address this. Now I am reading between the lines a bit to say that she “knows” that if compared to other people/other couples, things might not look too good (that plays into the self-image in case you have not figured that out). One of you is going to have to break this cycle and this power play. It’s really a matter of which one will and then whether the other is committed enough to create something new and different. We each have our limits. I have mine and I know what they are, I’m not so certain that either of you do.

So, she has told you what turns her off. The simple thing (though it’s obviously not so simple since you haven’t been willing to do this) is to stop complaining. That, BTW, is her “complaint.” Remove the source of her complaint. And I don’t mean stop complaining as retaliation to her. Consider that she has made a request and that you are going to honor it.

Now, what does that mean for you? It means that you are going to have to be willing be in a marriage with the distinct possibility that it becomes nonsexual. Given the complaints about your sex life, you are not willing to do that. However, you could set a definite time limit of 3 months, 6 months, or even 1 year that you have a definite “end time.” You will have to be sincere about this and if you can’t do this then don’t even attempt it.

But if you are game, you could look at it this way: If my complaints about the lack of sex are the source of my lack of sex, what happens to my sex life if I remove that source? As far as your wife is concerned, you could tell her that you’ve considered what she had to say about your complaining and the you are going to make all efforts NOT to complain, no matter what, for the next (pick a time period of at least 3 months) and that if she finds you complaining, ask her to remind you that you were not going to complain. She might be “suspicious” but ask her for that “buy-in.” If she asks why, wouldn’t the appropriate answer be that she told you that your complaints turn her off and bore her and that the last thing that you would seek to do?

A word about “boring.” Some things we like being predictable and being repeatable (we don’t call them boring). For example, we like knowing that our place of abode is our place of abode that we are not sharing with random people or having that shift from one geographic location to another.

Then, and this is the tough part, no matter what don’t complain, don’t get angry, don’t get frustrated. Know that you set a definite time period with a measurable outcome for you (e.g., no complaints about sex for 6 months).

Now, the trickier part, that same time, place, etc. for your sex-life is part of the complaint that has left neither of you satisfied. So, the next ‘standard” scheduled time where you would normally (boringly) have sex (where she thought it was her job to do so): don’t.

Don’t initiate, be somewhere else, do something else and just let the time pass. That does not mean that you should not show some modicum of affection. Just know that you aren’t initiating anything. Don’t be dramatic about it, just let it pass like it was any other time. It sounds almost like you guys “schedule” this so don’t even do that. And then be committed to do nothing more than watching watch happens. You are the video camera on the wall, recording and observing, but not giving a play-by-play monologue about what is or is not happening.

What do you do if you don’t initiate this next go-round and she does? Consider telling her no. Hopefully, you’ve never told her it was her job to have sex with you (if you have, it’s real hard to walk that back). Assuming that you haven’t told her that it was her job, in telling her “no” it is time to tell her that it is no longer and never was her “job” to have sex with you. But since she sees it that way (and she did tell you that she sees it that way), it is no longer her job to do that or to do something that she finds boring. More importantly, you going to stop doing stuff that she has declared as boring. (You’ve already made that offer in stopping sex altogether, she’s just afraid of what that “means.”) And if she responds with the question, “then whose job is it?” the answer is that she is the only one that sees it as a job and one that she does not want. You don’t see it “as a job,” but if she insists on seeing it that way, that business she was employed by “went out of business” and she is now” jobless.”

That probably won’t play well, but don’t make it out to be a complaint and remind her that that those are the words she used to describe having sex with you. Be matter of fact about it and not angry.

What if several weeks or even months pass by and there is no sex? If you aren’t complaining and she’s not inquiring into why there is no sex, I think you have your answer.

But if she does inquire as to why no sex? How about not be being boring? How about it isn’t her job to have sex with you? How about eliminating her complaint about your complaining?

Know that with her image issues this could be very threatening (your not initiating is seen as proof you don’t love her anymore, or worse). But it could also be very freeing to her that can play out a couple of ways (“Good, I don’t have to have sex anymore.” Or “now I get to do what I want to do.”)

As the HD male you are in a no-win situation. Whatever you do, don’t threaten to leave, don’t have an affair or threaten one, don’t beg for sex.

If things get worse rather than better, you have your data and answer. The next step you take beyond that will come from soon enough.