But now my husband is telling me he never said he wants to separate, he just wants us to acknowledge what our marriage is, romantically uninvolved with no chance to resolve our problems, and staying together like that for the sake of DS. He says if I don't go to WA with him under these conditions it will be ME leaving HIM, not the other way around. (BTW, he DID say he wanted to separate, multiple times. He kept reminding me every time I'd get excited about WA. I know I was not just hearing things...)
Sorry, I don't normally write this flippantly, but "LMFAO!"
Yeah, I'm sure he WOULD like this to all be on you, to take the focus off of his (at a minimum) EA with this other woman, and his trying to leave the marriage!
I'm sorry, but talking to his girlfriend from inside of your marital home is incredibly disrespectful, and unacceptable.
My husband and I met as teenagers and have been together ever since. At the beginning of our marriage he did not work (he played a lot of computer games) and I supported us. He had never even graduated high school and never bothered to get a GED, but didn't want to work entry-level jobs (he thought he was too good to work retail or fast-food). Finally, after over a year of this I vouched for him with my employer and got him a job where I work. He did well at that job working for a MAJOR client and turned it into something more. Our dream was for him to get hired on full-time with said client (a very large, very respected company) and move our family to the Northwest coast.
During this time we had a son and I decided to quit work and become a stay-at-home-mom. It wasn't easy, my husband took this as permission not to participate in the parenting or housework since I was the SAHM and it is my job. It became a large point of contention between us. Every time I wanted him to give DS a bath, or change a diaper he threatened to make me get a "real job" since I am making him do mine. This has gotten frustrating and I admit I am resentful. He also is very verbally abusive when angry and I have been called a whole slew of nasty names over the course of our relationship (from white-trash to dumb b*%ch. This has interfered with our intimacy. He says I don't love him because I don't show him enough affection. I say I need him to be more respectful and less verbally abusive before I can feel more affectionate to him. He says he doesn't want conditions on my affection and if I loved him I'd want to be intimate with him regardless. We go round and round on this one, we've never gotten anywhere.
Just two weeks ago he went on a business trip and got the job offer (and huge salary boost) we'd been waiting for. Then he came home, had 'welcome back' sex, them immediately told me he wants to separate. He still wants me to move across the country with him (though he doesn't have to move for his job, he works remote and can do it anywhere), take care of our son and his home, but we will be romantically and emotionally separated. He said he was going with or without me. He admitted that it isn't ME he wants to live with, that he can't stand living with me, he just doesn't want to be so far away from his son. He assures me he will not leave me high and dry (like if he meets another woman), but I do not feel so confident in this. Especially since he gets SO angry and so passive aggressive. What he says now won't necessarily be what he DOES in the moment when he is angry with me. And regardless, I feel he is already leaving me high and dry. This has been our goal for years! I sacrificed my time just like he did! We would stay up late at night talking about this, what-iffing what we would do when it happened, making grand plans. And now that we made it he wants to dump me! Sure, he's offering me what is basically a nanny/housekeeper position for no pay or security, but this is just using me I feel. I don't know what to do, but what I want is to keep the marriage together. These were my goals too, I helped him achieve them. I sacrificed for his goals, made them ours, and as soon as their reached he wants to move on!
And what to do now?
I've already started taking the GAL advice. Being a SAHM I especially need to do this. My life for the past three years has been dedicated to raising our son, managing the house, and supporting my husbands work efforts. My goals and hobbies fell by the wayside (my husband thinks if something doesn't earn money it isn't as important as what he's doing - because he earns the money for the house. When I wanted some time each day to work on my writing he said no because it doesn't have much potential for earning money like how he spends his time). So I am remedying this. I am going to the salon today for the first time in over a year to get my hair done. I'm making myself up every day and dressing nice and doing things for myself and it has helped me feel better.
Still, I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed and offended by all this that even though I know I want my marriage to work, I want to scream and yell at him for being this way, it's really hard being civil to him right now! Especially since he keeps making quips and rubbing it in my face that we're separated. He also doesn't understand why I am so upset by all this.
LadyJane,
Before I get into ALL of the above, and how it literally TURNED MY STOMACH, let me ask you this:
What are the laws in your current state, and what are they in the potentially NEW state, regarding a possible "fault" cause of adultery in a potential divorce/custody action?
You supported your husband, and established him in his current position, and now he's cheating on you. You may have a lot more leverage than you think, just speaking legally.
LJ, sofaraway is giving you really good advice. I know it's really hard to absorb what this all means for you emotionally and practically, but please read that post very carefully and try to imagine yourself doing those things, just to open your mind to different possibilities. YOU changing inside and out WILL change you and your R with your H. No one can say whether you will reconcile, but if you see changes that are needed in your life for YOU, it's time to start making them now.
I strongly suggest that you assume that there is an A going on. Perhaps this woman isn't the OW but is involved somehow? Who knows. The point is that you can't believe what your H says right now. He close to being a WAH and you can expect lies, unfortunately.
The move being 4 months off is GOOD. That gives you some time to start DBing, GALing, and plotting your course of action.
Think about whether the move to WA is a good choice for you. Would it be a good choice even if you ended up D and living separately from your H? Because that's an outcome that you have to be prepared for. How would it be for you to be separated with no family and friends around you (making that assumption)? Don't underestimate the importance of an IRL support network at this time. I can't imagine finding my feet in a new city right now, even if it was somewhere I wanted to live. I'm really leaning on my friends.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Second, don't expect your H to care about you or act in your best interest. He wants to push you away, for whatever reason, and the only person who you can count on to take care of you is you. Don't agree to any changes that are not in YOUR best interest. It's unlikely that moving to another city would be in your interest, for example. You might have to call his bluff on some of that stuff and he may back down when he realizes some of the implications of what it would mean for him to move away without you and his son in terms of separation/D. If there's anything you need to do to protect yourself then do it right away. Your H can't force you to move and he might be shooting himself in the foot legally if he moves by himself (check with a L).
Flowmom, your entire post is really good, but part particularly, we're thinking along the same lines. I'm even wondering if the potential NEW home state's jurisdiction may be WORSE for her husband, legally, and he doesn't know it yet. Hence my questions to her above.
If he moves from a "no-fault" to a "fault" jurisdiction, where "adultery" may be used as the cause in a divorce and custody settlement. And yes, if he goes and she DOESN'T go, she may be able to get him for abandonment. DEFINITELY TALK TO A LAWYER!!!!
What state are you in now? I think you should check the divorce laws there and if they are more in your favor, stay. If not, go ahead and move to Washington and establish residency, if that's where he's going. At least here, you will be entitled to child, as well as spousal support. And any judge in Washington would see you as a perfect candidate for spousal maintenance.
sorry, Kimmie Lee -- didn't see this before I posted. Great minds think alike, what can I say.
Sometimes my H owns up, but it's barely owning up. It's like this: "I know the name-calling isn't right and I shouldn't do it, but what you do (not being affectionate enough) is worse," or "Yes, I know it's wrong but if you would just 'do this, or not do that' I wouldn't get so mad."
I guess you can say that he's not really owning up at all.
No, not really. One thing you can take to heart, though, is that he's trying to rewrite history or foist all of the responsibility for the problems of the marriage onto you. So just because he says something doesn't mean that it is true.
Some other suggested reading:
The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz.
Both of these books discuss things that you can work on for yourself. And by making real, lasting changes for your own good, you also change the dynamics of the relationship.
Sadly, if there is an OW involved, working on rebuilding your marriage will be next-to-impossible while that relationship is going on. So we're back to taking care of yourself and figure out what you want to do to make your life better.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Sometimes my H owns up, but it's barely owning up. It's like this: "I know the name-calling isn't right and I shouldn't do it, but what you do (not being affectionate enough) is worse," or "Yes, I know it's wrong but if you would just 'do this, or not do that' I wouldn't get so mad."
Just curious, does the line of his jawbone suggest "Neanderthal" or "Cro-Magnon" man?
I'm not sure I have a proof of affair. I have phone records from since he came back to his business trip showing late-night phone calls and hundreds of late-night text messages to her phone number (which he had disguised as just "Work Number" - no one's name - in his contact list). I could always use those documents, since hers is actually the only number he texts in any great quantity, occasionally he texts me.
I'm not sure I have a proof of affair. I have phone records from since he came back to his business trip showing late-night phone calls and hundreds of late-night text messages to her phone number (which he had disguised as just "Work Number" - no one's name - in his contact list). I could always use those documents, since hers is actually the only number he texts in any great quantity, occasionally he texts me.
In that case (and please, still TALK WITH AN ATTY RIGHT AWAY), I would strongly encourage you to stay in TX, as that jurisdiction is going to be MUCH more favorable to you. That is GOOD NEWS, in my opinion.
KEEP THOSE RECORDS THAT YOU HAVE, in a safe place, and try to get some additional proof. No one is saying you have to DO anything with it, but it is wise to be well-prepared, in case you need to defend your interests. Your attorney can give you some additional ideas, including "do's" and "don't's."
KEEP A LOG EVERY DAY with this kind of stuff. Keep it on a safe place, and don't do it on a computer that he has access to. People having affairs are already inherently paranoid, and it's not at all far-fetched that he could be monitoring YOU at this point.
I guess I can print them out. I figure it's all legal-like since the cell account is in my name and I've had it since before I married him. I didn't have to do any sneaking or stealing passwords to get this info, it comes right on my monthly statement.
What other things should I look for and what should I keep in my log? Breaking into emails is not really something I am willing or feel comfortable doing. He made me feel guilty enough just for seeing his "recently called" list on his phone (though he goes though my phone and voicemails whenever he feels like).
I also have custody concerns. He has made some comments like he will fight me for DS, or he'll take DS to WA with him even if I don't come. I know that he would have a major uphill battle in a custody fight, with his long hours and the fact that I've been a SAHM and primary caregiver, plus he just took a promotion that will require overtime for him, plus he initiated the separation (no matter what he's saying about it now) and HE'S the one who'll be taking off out of state where there is no family for DS. But I still worry.
