No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[confusedinpa]

How are interactions with your W? Still tense?

I wouldn't say our interactions were tense except for when I confronted about her cheating as well as dealing the financial crap of the D. I would call it more of an "artificial harmony" which is more of what's been going on in my mind. She continues the pretense that we will be friends - i.e. even this week she called to remind me that vision care (I'm still on her benefits) is active so that I can get new glasses/contacts as it has been 12 months.... and today, when she dropped off the boys, she gave a bag of brownie cookies she had made. She has tried some chit chat stuff of telling me about her day a couple of times when I called to talk to the boys.... but I usually I just do a yeah, that sucks response and say goodbye. Every once in a while I do the "listen and empathize" thing but it's just too hard for me to do it.

We had gone to a bday party together a couple of times and I remained very cordail and acted as a gentlemen should with any woman around me.

So.... I guess the tension is coming from more from me as she is soooooo content with us getting a D and with us being BFF's. That is NOT going to happen. I will continue to be polite and treat her as a gentlemen should, but ever since I found out the truth, I'm pretty much done trying to show her how I would treat a wife. Even with the D crap, I enter business mode and just negotiate to make sure I get my fair share and then some.

Sounds like your situation may be making a turn. I proud of you bro!

[sandi2]

I really think that since OM is gone that you will start to see some positive behavior from your W. Just wished she would still see a doctor.

Anyway, let's hope & pray that OM will not stay in contact via email, etc.

Once I actually broke contact from my OM, I was so depressed b/c I felt like I was stuck in a M with a man who I didn't think I would ever feel any passion for. In some ways, I felt like I was making a sacrifice for my family......and just doing the right thing, but not b/c that was what I "wanted". It was so horrible.

Once the fog started lifting where I could think again, and "see" the truth......it scared me to death.But all of it was very gradual......the remorse and the reality of what I did....and "could have done" if I had not broke it off with OM.

[MrBond]

Thanks Sandi.

I guess what my worry is that I've detached so much that now I find myself forcing myself to continue to do the work. I mean I'm so glad I'm seeing positive signs, but I was fighting so hard to get to this point, that now I'm here, I'm having a hard time to keep the positives going.

I remember you said that your H tried a number of things, but you were the one that had to change your thinking and each time he tried, you viewed him as a little pathetic. Was there anything he did positively that kind of guided you to think "hey it's not really that bad after all"?

I'm planning my next set of goals.

[MrBond]

So spending the day yesterday with the W and kids was fun. We had lunch together with our youngest which forced us to actually talk to each other. I was throwing things out and she was actually responding and started talking on her own.

There were moments of awkward silence, but they don't bother me as much as in the beginning when all this happened. I think I'm going to lessen the amount that I talk and see if she takes the lead and go from there.

Any other suggestions from anyone?

[sandi2]

I guess everyone looks at his/her stitch as unique from others, but my H did not know any of the DB skills to apply. You and my H are completely different in the way you approach the situation.

I would have to say that when he stopped trying to force things and relaxed, then I felt more comfortable. And,the big thing was when he stopped acting all excited (well...as excited as "he" gets) whenever I showed a tiny positive sign. Whenever he would act that way, it had a negative effect on me. I suppose the WAW attributes would tend to surface. But when he started just being himself, then I could do the work. Then if I showed positive moves and he just acted normal.....I would relax and feel like I could make another step forward without him thinking everything was back to "normal" again.

For me, it took a long time before I could say that I thought things were going to be okay again. Maybe it is b/c it takes the fog lifting in tiny stages and it's that dang negative attitude the WAW has toward her H& M. My way of thinking was, "Let's just take it an hour at a time and see how it goes".

You are experiencing what some other LBH's have, the detached feelings. You are tired b/c it's been a hard journey and you can't really see the end of the road yet. Not knowing how much further it may be must be very discouraging. And, if OM should try to continue an long distance EA, that would just be the undoing of everything! Do you have any idea if he has tried to contact your W?

I think you will always love her. You found that out when you had the opportunity to have a R with somebody else. If you can't move forward with another person due to your mind constantly being on your W, then that's not fair to OP. I think you saw that and you did the right thing by not pursuing it any further.

[Ken62]

Sorry to Hijack!

Sandi2, could you check out my latest and get back to me. Things have REALLY been changing and I'm not sure what to do next.

Thanks,

Ken

[MrBond]

Thanks Sandi,

Right now I'm at that place where I see more and more positive changes but I definitely don't want to be overly enthusiastic: 1) because I don't want to scare her away like your H was doing, and 2) because I still want to protect myself.

I don't think she has been in touch with the OM at all. I think the biggest thing that surprised me was how casually she felt about planning his party a few weeks ago and planned to go to it. Thing is that when I asked her to watch the kids on that same day of the party, she said 'okay' right away. She didn't tell me she had plans or could only watch them a certain time.

At that time I was wondering if maybe, just maybe, a part of her was saying 'hey this isn't right'. But who knows?

The positive interactions are happening more and more and increasing in frequency, so that's a good sign. See below for what happened yesterday.

[MrBond]

So yesterday (Saturday) I picked her and the girls up to go to my youngest's Gymboree class. On the ride over, she was a little quiet, but then when we got into the class, she started talking more.

We went to lunch and then a family entertainment center that had bowling, glow putt golfing, etc. She started engaging me in conversation and we had a good time. Here and there I would put my arm around her shoulder or lightly brush her arm. She didn't pull away as she had before.

After I dropped her off at her sister's place, she gave me a hug and I came back home.

I would say that yesterday was the most "normal" day we've had in a long time with the exception of her not being home. Some of the fog seems to be lifting, but I'm taking it all with a grain of salt.

I'm going over to pick up my Ds from her in a little bit. I asked her if she wanted to join us for Mass. She said 'no thanks'. So I left it at that. I hope she does come. Maybe for Easter.

Any suggestions of how I should continue to close the gap between us?

[MrBond]

So yesterday (Saturday) I picked her and the girls up to go to my youngest's Gymboree class. On the ride over, she was a little quiet, but then when we got into the class, she started talking more.

We went to lunch and then a family entertainment center that had bowling, glow putt golfing, etc. She started engaging me in conversation and we had a good time. Here and there I would put my arm around her shoulder or lightly brush her arm. She didn't pull away as she had before.

After I dropped her off at her sister's place, she gave me a hug and I came back home.

I would say that yesterday was the most "normal" day we've had in a long time with the exception of her not being home. Some of the fog seems to be lifting, but I'm taking it all with a grain of salt.

I'm going over to pick up my Ds from her in a little bit. I asked her if she wanted to join us for Mass. She said 'no thanks'. So I left it at that. I hope she does come. Maybe for Easter.

Any suggestions of how I should continue to close the gap between us?

[MrBond]

Now I'm running into a problem. For the past couple of nights, our talks at night have been very positive and she's engaging in conversation quite frequently now.

The problem is that when I detached, I kept a certain amount of distance from her so that I wouldn't get hurt anymore from her mood swings. But now that communications are getting much better, I find myself feeling apprehensive as to how much to give.

I mean, I definitely don't want to get hurt again, but things are going so much better, I feel that it's time to take the next step (maybe asking her out alone). Should I keep doing the baby step thing or just "what the hell" and do it?

Any one with thoughts?