I agree with Gno. That was a get-back-at-you move totally. Also, I think mabye he thinks you have had all the power in the past and he wants more power. Even if this isn't true.
OW too much to juggle with work, counseling, new plane, son etc and I highly doubt he'd be setting up a new secret life and planning extended family dinner simultaneously.
I also agree that you will have to self soothe for now at least or it will set up an accusation/fight cycle and mess up this very positive dinner and piecing progress.
Wow, my panic either was a premonition of, or created, today's crisis. Don't know which any more.
Panic central.
S had peed in the bed last night. I tossed the sheets in the washer sleepily. Turned it on this morning before leaving.
H comes over this afternoon to be with S while I'm at rehearsal.
Big mess in wash room as there was a library book caught in the sheets that shredded and blocked the washer.
Panic= this is MORE OF THE SAME
H has asked me repeatedly to be careful of library books on his card - OF COURSE THIS BOOK WAS ONE OF THE RARE BOOKS ON HIS CARD
H has repeatedly asked me to check fabrics carefully before washing so there's no problems with machine
Previously H has gone into RAGES over these kind of "mess ups"
They happen almost psychically. LIke how he never takes S's books out of the library on his card, but the one time he does, I end up putting it in the wash.
This is the kind of thing that he previously has shouted at me that "see nothing's changed I don't expect any different from you" I have almost felt like I'm under a spell that no matter how much I get my life together, these mistakes happen and they drive H INSANE.
The good news is he calmly told me about the fiasco this afternoon and only went as far as to say that he did not want to spend his afternoon cleaning that up.
The bad news I'm having a complete panic attack. All my feelings of no matter what I do it's wrong in H's eyes, no matter how I change he can't acknowledge them, only my mistakes, that even when he's calm there's this underlying assumption that he is perfect and I am always messing up and this is why he can't live with me or share anything with me.
I haven't followed your sitch, but, I could have done that 100 times over! Good Lord! Don't beat yourself up over it.
I live moments like that, and I am an intelligent, level-headed, and, fairly street smart kind of girl! Give yourself a pass. it's called being human.
I can see some similarities in our H's patience levels. Mine's just starting to feel what it's like to not get away w/sh*t behavior easily... Glad he didn't erupt.
Find out how much the library book costs to replace, and give it to him in an envelope, and move on, girlfriend!!!
HUGS
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
(((H4L))) it sounds like you've internalized a lot of crap that H has slung your way. It's hard to read about you beating yourself up like this.
What would you say to me if I was beating myself up for making mistakes? Can you try to talk back to that internal story that says that you're incompetent?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
What if you transferring M fears onto the library book totally? And you don't fear his yelling so much anymore as you think (you can walk away. you have a method to escape it) and you are sheerly having a panic attack about whether the R is going to work out?
If this is true, what can you do about it besides self soothe and not beat yourself up? I don't know. People can say detach, detach a lot, but it seems difficult to do that in piecing when you also need to be emotionally there quite a bit to do it right. Maybe you were tired today and that also contributed to the panic.
I would reframe yourself as more in control than you think. Yes, you had a panic attack but you did not let the panic attack control your behavior and freak out on H. Congrats. Yes, you shredded a library book. Who cares? Reminder to check for next time and move on. Congrats on moving on and not obsessing about it tomorrow. Yes, you're not perfect and neither is your H. Welcome to being human. Congrats.
Maybe living with H's rigidity in all things is a topic for IC in the near future. I agree with FM's stuff about your internal story. You are now living in H's bubble that stuff that is "big" to him is "huge" in the scheme of things. No, he's just rigid. Misplaced computer cords and messed up library books will occasionally happen. So how can you live with a rigid person without getting sucked into the fallout or worldview of their rigidity? What are the techniques not to take on their feelings, if there are any? I don't know. Ask IC.
I don't like your panic and negative internal story. But I like that H didn't rage up and that this was "only" a panic event which gives you a clue for something you can work on.
