Thanks Grit I am still going to my IC...and definitely need to continue that. I have put together a list of why I want this M to work (no particular order) 1) I like the lifestyle I have 2) So many years of memories and good times 3) Shared friends 4) Close with his family 5) He is very intelligent and charming 6) I love biking, hitting golf balls, vacationing, jogging, doing yard work, throwing the baseball around with my H 7) I like being married in general- day to day life 8) I want to feel connected with him again 9) I miss his friendship 10) I believe in M and commitment 11) I do love him..just don't feel in love right now
Why I don't want to work on my M 1) I have been hurt by H as a result of his A 2) I don't like that he can be unbelievably selfish/narcissistic 3) I don't like that he is critical at times 4) I know my H is capable of breaking his commitment again 5) I would like more affection from the man I am married to 6) Want a man with more emotional maturity 7) I will always have to deal with his depression/mood disorder 8) My M is tainted 9) I don't feel connected right now 10) H has a hard time with day to day life..it is mundane for him (I guess because of his depression)..this sometimes brings me down
Fears 1) Cannot recreate the same loving feelings again 2) Will not be able to get over my hurt 3) We are just trying to save this to avoid change 4) Afraid to not save this M because of the work involved 5) I will never be enough for my H 6) He is trying to save M because he feels he owes me that much after all that he has done- he has been ambivalent about trying to save our M at different times. I do not know if this is because of his A/and ending his A or if he just doesn't know if he can do the work or wants to do the work involved. 7) My H is no longer the person that I married...and that person will never return 8) Scared to try and fail and scared to not try at all 9) I am going to be the only one doing work to restore M..H is still very down..this is going to take lots of work and optimism..don't know if he is going to show up fully. 10) I won't be happy in my M ever again
I agreed to go to his mothers for dinner. H said this will give us a place to begin to try to reconnect..force us not to talk about our issues because family is present... and just be in eachothers company.
I don't want to rush into anything..but also don't like doing nothing. I want to take this all very slowly. I did like speaking to him last night...but I know he is still depressed- just not angry depressed which is much better comparatively..but still depressed. He wants to run and hide from the world. He is worried about having to face my family. Worried about what people think about him..What our friends know. He hasn't expressed his feelings to me in so long. He has pretty much isolated himself from everyone. He is afraid that he completely messed up our M and we will not be able to restore it. He does not feel connected to me right now either and is unsure if we can get back that connection. He has the same fears that I have.
