The job thing is tricky..it is a friend of mine that would be recommending me..so I would have to make a commitment before hand- I wouldn't want to make him look like a jerk. The new job is quite a commute for me..which would mean I would also need to get a dog walker (I currently can come home during the day to let the pups out). I am not sure if all this change would be good right now. My current job is going thru a huge reorg so layoffs have been rampant for about 1 1/2 years..morale is at an all time low. With D pending..and me wanting to buy out the house- I am a little worried about job security on top of everything else. I need to sit with this for awhile. I don't know what I want from my career right now. In the meantime..gonna get my resume beefed up.
H called me last night..still acting like good ol' H...well after the first few minutes. We discussed getting basement water issue fixed..he said he didnt want to spend a ton of money if we are going to sell. I reminded him that I was going to buy the house. He said 'we will see'. I asked him what he meant and he said that he would have to consider it depending on how I would file..if things didn't work out with us. He doesn't want me to file as adultery. I told him that I was sorry he felt that way but it is what it is and he wouldn't be able to stop me from buying the house because of the way I filed. I then told him I was done discussing this.
He then proceeded to tell me that he is fighting with his sister and mother because they told H extended family about what was going on. He wanted me to be his ally..and call his family and tell them they have no right telling anyone anything..OK..whatever. He doesn't know that I speak to his family quite often..I already knew all of this and I am not bothered..but I told him I would think about speaking with them. H is just trying to pick a fight with anyone that will bite.
On the plus side..H joined a gym- which I think may explain his decent moods lately. A friend of his invited us to join them on vacation later on this month..he copied me on his response..saying "this year isn't workable but if this is a yearly tradition..please extend the invite for next year because we would love to join them"..also made a few jokes about my skiing ability (or lack of)..just being charming H. I didn't acknowledge the email.
Going to meet a friend for happy hour tonight. She has a coworker that she has been dying to introduce me to...so why not?? He is nine years younger than me..does that make me a puma? or a cougar? ; )
Yay for happy hour!! It never hurts to meet new people, and it certainly wouldn't hurt if he's a hottie.
Good job on shutting down that line of conversation. He's just trying to bully you into doing what he wants.
I would still recommend less contact with H. A lot less contact. He sounds like a master manipulator and the less you let him work his charm the better. I will say this every day if I have to: going dark gives you the space to work on yourself and detach. If you are in constant contact then you never have that quiet mental space to figure out what you want.
Commit to absolutely no contact for 3 days and see how it goes.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
thanks Pearl...I am not waivering on the adultery...bring it on...i don't care how he feels about that.
regarding happy hour guy...not so sure..not my type but I was very attracted to him..I am going to stew on this. NO physical contact..but I sort of wanted it. I think it was wise to not let anything happen. Let's see what happens in the future.
I am at yet another stage..I want a man at the same emotitonal level as me (non menstrual)..even if that means someone older...a 25 year old boy seems insufficient. I think his mom does his laundry still. ughh, I would prefer a man with his own kids already..but has evoloved...even a full head of gray would be OK I think. I had a great night out..lots of attention...makes H seem so insignificant. weird but nice.
I agree with you...I think I am going to just 'disappear' for a little while. Although his sister asked that I hang out with her manana..I love her to pieces so I think I want to..After that.....no contact. I need to go out with different men more often. Life after H is just fine...better than fine.
H sends text message early this morning "morning. got text last nite while @ gym. didn't reply. it was just ? mark. her slang 4 can I ask u a question. ignored it. will show u bill later". She is still trying to contact him. It makes me wonder how well he closed the door..I said this to H after her last attempt to contact him. He said the door was closed..but she is trying to open it. How do I respond to his text? or do I just not respond?
Pearl- just re-read your post..it was late and after a few glasses of wine... I will not respond to his text and will go completely dark for 3 days. I was torn about the text message..wasn't sure about ignoring good behavior or his attempt to make right.
Lolawar- You should ask your husband to block her number from contacting him. I don't know what carrier he uses, but the major cell phone companies can block numbers from calling you. Just an idea...see if it is something he is even willing to do.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Thanks nicole So much for putting distance between me and H. H called me- his number didn't come up on caller id so I answered it. We spoke for a couple of hours.
We spoke honestly and openly about what has been going on..with neither one of us getting upset or angry. We both voiced our concerns about making a go of our marriage..that we are scared that there is too much damage done already and we won't be able to move past all of this. We both agreed that it was worth it to both of us to give this a shot and try to make something better of all of this. We both agreed that it is hard to walk away from our marriage when prior to his A..we had a good marriage.
We spoke about his mood issues. He told me about how unhappy he is with his life- job, career, weight, his injured legs. He doesn't believe that D is going to make him any happier. He just needs to figure out ways to make himself happy...and this is where he is having a problem. He told me that he would just like to move away to get away from the mess he has made of his life...and mess up anybody elses lives.
So this week was truly a rollercoaster...divorce pending..working it out..want a divorce..want to work it out. Sorry to take everyone along on my ride. I clearly have no idea what I am doing or what i want. I would need to see some consistent behavior from my H..and some stable emotions from myself. I really don't have a clue right now.
Can people actually reconnect after something like this? Obviously, with the A, our physical separation, poor communication, fights, no intimacy...we do not share a connection or closeness right now. Is this normal? or does it just mean that it is over? If we aren't experiencing those feelings now..will they never return? When people fall out of love..can they fall back in love? He asked me to go to dinner at his mother's tomorrow night.
I do actually think those are some positive steps forward.... It does seem that the week has been a total roller coaster for you. He seems to be making an effort though.
I've asked myself the same questions you asked above:
"Can people actually reconnect after something like this? Obviously, with the A, our physical separation, poor communication, fights, no intimacy...we do not share a connection or closeness right now. Is this normal? or does it just mean that it is over? If we aren't experiencing those feelings now..will they never return? When people fall out of love..can they fall back in love?"
I don't know what the answer to any of this is. I am so fed up with my husbands immaturity. He has done nothing buy avoid responsibility, our realtionship and blame me for everything. He is apparently not to blame for anything. His mood swings are so irratic. I find it hard to "win" when he comes here and is cranky, moody and irritable with everything that I do (because everthing I have done is wrong or will be wrong). How can I compete with this when everything he does with the OW is probably fun and then he thinks of me as the one who brings stress to him.
Sorry, venting....feels good and I don't think I helped you at all except that I do have the same questions as you. I don't even know what to say to my husband. I am afraid to talk with him about ANYTHING because I think he has given up and doesn't think there is any hope. He believes that he never loved me and that his life will be better if he is divorced. Ohh, and it has nothing to do with the OW because there is no OW. Right. I am not an idiot but apparently he thinks I am.
Good luck to you lolawar. It looks like you have alot to think about and I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find the way that is the best for you.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I am speaking from experience in my first marriage. You guys sound a lot like us. If you remember I told you I was divorced at 33 W was 34. She is still not remarried now 45 and called me recently to say to me (and offered to tell my W) that it was the biggest mistake of her life.
We both had very successful careers. Did all the traveling etc.
I will say this Lola: There is nothing that you cannot get over in a marriage. You will have to forgive regardless of whether you stay together. Problems in the past/current can be overcome. It seems that we are very good at pushing the underlying insecurities and self loathing down for a good while but they eventually come up. Do you have problems? Yup. This is an opportunity for you BOTH to grow. Most people you talk to when you relate what has happened will let their own fear jump right up front and say "OMG you should leave him! Start over!" That's why we have such a high rate of divorce in this country. The easier decision is to cut and run. Not do the work. The work means you have to put your anger and hurt aside. Look at yourself and see who YOU are.
H is going to have to commit to IC for his depression. That is not going away Lola. That will continue to be a challenge. Make sure this reaching out is not him trying to suck you back into the dysfucntional cycle of his behavior.
Don't lose sight of your goals and don't jump back into anything because of the high of potentially having all this pain behind you. It's not going to happen quickly either way. (D or stay)
Are you seeing your IC this week? I still will say that your energy needs to be on YOU. Look how quickly you let H take back the energy to your R because he's feeling bad about it. I am not saying he's not sincere. He is sincerely unhappy and he wants company. This is not a sprint Lola. Slow the race down.
I wish I had done things differently 10 years ago. You have an opportunity for growth here and not to make the same mistakes in the future. You are with H for some very good reasons and you want to leave him for very good reasons don't lose sight of either.
Keep the focus on you not your M. Your M is secondary focus. Enter the reconciliation process cautiously and with purpose. Keep doing IC. The purpose of your detachment is for you to get healthy so your M has an opportunity to be RECREATED not just continued. There is nothing that can't be forgiven-in due time.Detaching and working on you doesn't mean you don't want your M. It doesn't mean you don't love your spouse. He has been stealing all the time and energy from you and your M so don't let him guilt you or suck you in because he's not getting his needs met, feels bad, not happy etc.
Save your energy you're going to need it.
Last edited by Truegritter; 03/21/1012:53 PM.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit I am still going to my IC...and definitely need to continue that. I have put together a list of why I want this M to work (no particular order) 1) I like the lifestyle I have 2) So many years of memories and good times 3) Shared friends 4) Close with his family 5) He is very intelligent and charming 6) I love biking, hitting golf balls, vacationing, jogging, doing yard work, throwing the baseball around with my H 7) I like being married in general- day to day life 8) I want to feel connected with him again 9) I miss his friendship 10) I believe in M and commitment 11) I do love him..just don't feel in love right now
Why I don't want to work on my M 1) I have been hurt by H as a result of his A 2) I don't like that he can be unbelievably selfish/narcissistic 3) I don't like that he is critical at times 4) I know my H is capable of breaking his commitment again 5) I would like more affection from the man I am married to 6) Want a man with more emotional maturity 7) I will always have to deal with his depression/mood disorder 8) My M is tainted 9) I don't feel connected right now 10) H has a hard time with day to day life..it is mundane for him (I guess because of his depression)..this sometimes brings me down
Fears 1) Cannot recreate the same loving feelings again 2) Will not be able to get over my hurt 3) We are just trying to save this to avoid change 4) Afraid to not save this M because of the work involved 5) I will never be enough for my H 6) He is trying to save M because he feels he owes me that much after all that he has done- he has been ambivalent about trying to save our M at different times. I do not know if this is because of his A/and ending his A or if he just doesn't know if he can do the work or wants to do the work involved. 7) My H is no longer the person that I married...and that person will never return 8) Scared to try and fail and scared to not try at all 9) I am going to be the only one doing work to restore M..H is still very down..this is going to take lots of work and optimism..don't know if he is going to show up fully. 10) I won't be happy in my M ever again
I agreed to go to his mothers for dinner. H said this will give us a place to begin to try to reconnect..force us not to talk about our issues because family is present... and just be in eachothers company.
I don't want to rush into anything..but also don't like doing nothing. I want to take this all very slowly. I did like speaking to him last night...but I know he is still depressed- just not angry depressed which is much better comparatively..but still depressed. He wants to run and hide from the world. He is worried about having to face my family. Worried about what people think about him..What our friends know. He hasn't expressed his feelings to me in so long. He has pretty much isolated himself from everyone. He is afraid that he completely messed up our M and we will not be able to restore it. He does not feel connected to me right now either and is unsure if we can get back that connection. He has the same fears that I have.
