I agree with H4L. I want to support you in taking action to protect yourself and your job. You might consider taking our word on it, or talk to a professional or rape crisis center helper and take their word on it. Even in a modern, sophisticated workplace, these situations can really turn sour even if you can address the most important issue of your personal safety.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks, H4L, for your thoughts and encouragement. It has all been very confusing and frightening, and I have felt some guilt or blame. I appreciate your guidance, and I also appreciate your sharing your personal experience with me.
I'll report back after I investigate some security system options. Maybe given the current economic situation, companies will be willing to bargain about installation fees and such.
Thanks again. I'm sure I'll have questions as I work through my feelings about the situation, so I'm glad to know that I can ask.
flowmom, thanks for the support. It means a lot to me right now, especially since my feelings are all over the map. I will certainly speak to my doctor about it. He's a psychiatrist (I see him for ADD and anxiety), and he will likely have some valuable insights. I didn't consider talking to a crisis counselor, but that's a good idea. I have access to these services through my work benefits.
H just called, and he is on his way to work. He doesn't usually work on a Saturday, but his organization has to work a special event for a local politician. He wanted to stop by to pick up any mail he had, but it's mostly junk and nothing time-sensitive. He said he would just come by at another time (when, I wonder). I engaged him in talk about his work, and he talked freely and was friendly. It felt good to hear his voice instead of just text, and the conversation was light. I would like to actually see him this weekend, but that's for selfish reasons. I won't initiate this, either.
It is scary and confusing and you do feel to blame - but take action anyhow. You are not to blame. Rape crisis usually has free advice - just ring them up for a few questions...
Sounds like you and H might be headed into one of those limbos so common around here. Fun, fun. Glad you had a baby shower and some fun stuff to do this weekend.
Def. tell your psych. what happened with that man. Since separated, I feel more vulnerable in general in a way I did not when I was single the first time, to the extent of getting irritated when men hit on me instead of just blowing it off like I used to. If I got harassed at this point, it would not be good for my psyche.
As for a bigger dog . . . Boxer dog may be all I can handle right now! He's big, and he is intimidating at first look. He's a terrible chicken, though, but strangers don't know that!
rr22, it was a good weekend. I had fun at the longest baby shower ever, and I got a chance to visit with some friends while I was there. I was also pretty productive: I did all my laundry, some housecleaning, a little bit of rearranging in my living room, and some paperwork. Today was a dreary rainy day, so it was a perfect day to settle in and get some things done. I hope you enjoyed your weekend.
I also feel more vulnerable! I lived by myself while I was in college and for several years after college, and I never felt then the way I do now. Why is that??? Aside from my creepy co-worker, I've been hit on several times since the separation. I'm annoyed by it like you are. I wonder why this has happened. Do men sense vulnerability? Can they pick up on it like bloodhounds?
On a different note, I spoke to my father today. He is still in disbelief that H has not returned. My 60-year-old father does not understand or accept the concept of depression. He just asks, "What does he have to be so sad about?" I try to explain that it's not about sadness, which is an emotion, but I'm not having much luck. I believe my father's inability to understand or accept is partly generational, partly cultural. He again suggested that I throw all of H's stuff into the yard and then call him to come get it. I again told him that I would not do that. Fathers and their wisdom. Priceless.
I think H's run interference with other men more than we realized. Now we're out and about alone more often. That's what I chalk the increased amount of me getting hit on too. It is annoying.
LOL about your dad. I know what you mean. I have the partly generational, partly cultural thing going with my mother too. She "understands" depression and also marital problems in theory. But in "her day" you either stayed together or broke up. That's it! I get lots of mini speeches about the ways I should be being treated. They feature H bringing me some roses and taking me out to a nice dinner to beg me to consider even taking him back. LOL. Yet sometimes I wonder if she is right. Ha.
I never thought about how my H ran interference, but I can see it. I feel like I must be wearing a sign or emitting some signal that men can sense. I don't remember it being like this, even when I was single. Maybe the years have fogged my memory.
Your mom and my dad could really get going if they got together. My father is resistant to the idea of depression as an illness or chemical imbalance. My father's usual refrain is, "You just don't leave. It's not right. You just don't leave." He also asks lots of questions like, "How long does he think he's going to be sad?" "What does he have to be so sad about all the time?" "He never really did much, did he? Is that because he's so sad all the time?" "I go to work and come home and do things. I'm not sad. Why is he so sad?" "He's tired? We're all tired. What makes him so much more tired than anybody else? Does being sad make you tired?" and the ever-popular "Have you changed the locks on the doors yet?"
Probably like your mother, I'm sure my dad thinks H should come crawling back, begging for mercy and forgiveness. He should come bearing gifts, of course, and promise to never be "tired" or "sad" again.
There's no getting my father to understand depression. I have answered the same questions for three months, and there's no end in sight. I've learned with my father that he doesn't really want answers, and he doesn't plan to listen to answers if you give them. He just wants to ask questions and raise his voice. I can live with that.
