New here but have been a voyeur

[Truegritter]

Lola

I am speaking from experience in my first marriage. You guys sound a lot like us. If you remember I told you I was divorced at 33 W was 34. She is still not remarried now 45 and called me recently to say to me (and offered to tell my W) that it was the biggest mistake of her life.

We both had very successful careers. Did all the traveling etc.

I will say this Lola: There is nothing that you cannot get over in a marriage. You will have to forgive regardless of whether you stay together. Problems in the past/current can be overcome. It seems that we are very good at pushing the underlying insecurities and self loathing down for a good while but they eventually come up. Do you have problems? Yup. This is an opportunity for you BOTH to grow. Most people you talk to when you relate what has happened will let their own fear jump right up front and say "OMG you should leave him! Start over!" That's why we have such a high rate of divorce in this country. The easier decision is to cut and run. Not do the work. The work means you have to put your anger and hurt aside. Look at yourself and see who YOU are.

H is going to have to commit to IC for his depression. That is not going away Lola. That will continue to be a challenge. Make sure this reaching out is not him trying to suck you back into the dysfucntional cycle of his behavior.

Don't lose sight of your goals and don't jump back into anything because of the high of potentially having all this pain behind you. It's not going to happen quickly either way. (D or stay)

Are you seeing your IC this week? I still will say that your energy needs to be on YOU. Look how quickly you let H take back the energy to your R because he's feeling bad about it. I am not saying he's not sincere. He is sincerely unhappy and he wants company. This is not a sprint Lola. Slow the race down.

I wish I had done things differently 10 years ago. You have an opportunity for growth here and not to make the same mistakes in the future. You are with H for some very good reasons and you want to leave him for very good reasons don't lose sight of either.

Keep the focus on you not your M. Your M is secondary focus. Enter the reconciliation process cautiously and with purpose. Keep doing IC. The purpose of your detachment is for you to get healthy so your M has an opportunity to be RECREATED not just continued. There is nothing that can't be forgiven-in due time.Detaching and working on you doesn't mean you don't want your M. It doesn't mean you don't love your spouse. He has been stealing all the time and energy from you and your M so don't let him guilt you or suck you in because he's not getting his needs met, feels bad, not happy etc.

Save your energy you're going to need it.