Lots of people around me assume that separation/divorce is inevitable & some are even buying WH's very rational sounding arguments for leaving me, having a A, etc etc. No-one knows it is classic WAS 'script' !
I am starting to feel like my own little island of resistance.....
I need reinforcements!!
Main concerns are:
I haven't replied to WH's last emails. Got no idea what to do/say at this point.... DB coach says 'Don't ask H for anything'. Old timers on these forums say Gather Intel and Set Boundaries... maybe even go DARK.
What approach to use??
On gathering intel, I don't know HOW to ask for help from those close to WH and OW who might know..these people are closer to the offending affair couple than they are to me...so even if they disapprove, they'd really be putting themselves on the line... and it's very possible none of them even know what is going on...seem to be keeping right out of it.
So then what if I find out that the A is still going in some form and by long-distance???
My WH has left, he has been very clear about our M being over for him. A D is inevitable, I'm guessing.
I can't spy on someone, or make demands on someone who is no longer living with me. It's not like he is at home and carrying out a double-life. He's left.
All I can think of doing - in the absence of information about whether or not he is pursuing the OW - is to play extremely hardball. Close common bank accounts and go DARK until the birth.
And after going dark, I don't know how the crap I am going to cope in 2 months time when my baby is born and I suddenly have to switch the lights back on and see/talk/negotiate with him.
Can anyone see a way to navigate the long road ahead...?
I don't want to throw in the towel just yet.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Have been spending a lot of time over at mb28's thread. Up to page #70... only another 24 to go!! Some great advice there.
Think my current inertia is based on not GAL'ing enough last week, stress (due to work and finances mostly) and generally overdoing it.
Will pull my socks up this week though, promise!
Spent an afternoon back at my apartment yesterday, and really enjoyed it the space to myself. Aim to spend this whole week there and see if I can make a go of independent living.
Also going to push harder at gathering updated intel about the A. Hope whatever I find out doesn't hurt too much!
Totally creeped out about this quote that Allen A posted over at Mmb28's thread on co-dependency. At our second last meeting, in co-parenting therapy, my WH described our relationship as CO-DEPENDENT (and not about love, not healthy)...
Allen sent this to MB as a way of explaining persuing behaviour once the M has hit troubled times, but I think I can see my WH's compaints about me DURING our M in this quote (that I was needy, grumpy, etc..):
"Codependent Love Addicts (CLAs)
are the most widely recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they will not leave—or that someday they will reciprocate"
Read most of your sich, you are getting good advice. The one thing that I can add which is the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to take care of YOURSELF. Your GAL activities right now include the preparation for your baby, which is most important!!!! Forget about WH and worry about you and baby. Your hormones are going to be all over the place with the birth and after be very careful about post partum depression.
Enjoy being a mom!!
As far as your WH is concerned, this is his first? You may see a different person after the baby is born. I think his hormones are out of wack.
NC is the main thing and is a constant no matter what.
I hope you have a healthy, wonderful baby. You deserve it!
OP, thanks for taking the time to read my sitch & for your well-wishes. I will go and take a look at your thread.
I promise to take care of my pregnancy to the best of my ability. And to concentrate on being a great mum & not get depressed.
But I am still a woman. My WH is the love of my life. Maybe that will change when the baby comes, and let's hope it changes him too as you say, but today my reality is this: a central relationship in my life needs DB'ing!!!
NC has been my way for the last two and a half weeks.
I am about to make contact with WH via email re finances etc.
I want to remain consistant, which means being DIM if not DARK.
I think gathering intel to find out if the A is contuning if I can, wouldn't hurt clarify where I stand.
And I am deciding whether to BO PEEP or play hardball.
Now's my chance.
Because come mid-late May, I will have a baby occupying me full time.
OP, just wandered over to the beginning of your thread. Your sitch sounds really hard.. I promise to keep reading on...
While there, I caught sight of a discussion in which it was said that often a MLC'er will view their LBS as their "Mum" or "Dad" & project any unresolved issues with said parent onto the LBS.
I have seen in the last few years how my WAH has been treating me more and more like his mother - esp in the rejection/flee her at all costs department.
Might not MLC behaviour at all...but has me thinking...
He might be in MLC, thats really not for me to decide. He sounds confused.
My sich didn't really start on these boards so it might be harder to follow. Basic DB'ing is all the same. My suggestion is to stick with that. In MLC there is no tricks, or pills that will fix everything. What you are doing now is fine, just be careful being to aggressive trying to fix your H. If he is in MLC that will not work.
Spend your time: reading the resources in MLC at the top of the board.
Just received another email from WAH. The third in 3 weeks. I haven't replied to any.
Email basically said.... That he hasn't heard from me in a while & he understands if I need the space. Hopes me and baby are well. That he is working on hard on getting a job, and meanwhile is going to waiter in a restaurant (around the corner from my apartment, of all places) a couple of nights a week, starting this week. Again he is anxious about money. Tells me to take care of myself.
Feel like I am rambling on to myself, but here goes anyway...... Just had the 'talk' with my local friend about gathering intel on the A. What a rocky conversation that was....! First, I had to sit through well-meaning comments (like "I wish you'd just move on so you can enjoy your pregnancy"...arrrrrrrrghh, talk about trying to keep a DB'er down!) & then him saying he didn't think he could do it without being upfront that question was coming from me (dear lord NO!).
I really felt like I used up a lot of friendship units, but he did say he willing to give it a shot and put the "Are you still involved with the OW?" Q to WAH this week.
