She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

You know so many things run through my mind these days. I really wish I could stop that happening but I can't. My w has said so many different things that I don't know which ones to believe. I know that they say to believe none of what a WAW says, and 50% of what they do.

peace2u, maybe you can help me with some of this. She tells people that I made the decision to come over here. i wish I had the email she sent telling me the reasons I should go. She was crying to friends and family about me going to Afghanistan. She had breakdowns while I was over here.

However, I recently found out her plan was to have me come over here and make some money and give her the time to prepare leaving me. She told me things she thought I needed to work on about myself. I started making those changes and she drew further away.

For a time things got better between here and I. Again the more things I did to make positive change within myself, and the better we did when speaking, the further she backed away. When she dropped the bomb, things were going really well with us.

She has said some really hurtful things to me since I've been here. One of which is about the last week we spent together before I came here. We went to lunch, dinner, movies, talked and talked, she initiated intimacy every night. I had asked her about that week when all this came about, and she told me it was all forced. Can you really force something like that? She also tells others that all we did was fight that week. Absolutely a false statement. It was one of the best weeks we've spent together in a long while.

I'm not a stupid guy, and at no time did I ever think our M was in jeopardy. I look back now and see how distant she had been for the past year. We had issues about ourselves as individuals, that i sought counseling for. However, she chose to work on her issues herself.

She has made mention of the possibility of us fixing this, she tells me she still loves me, she brings up things that indicate a future. Then she'll go cold and distant.

She had mentioned to me that she was afraid of us living under the same roof when I get home because she thought I would talk her into things being the way they were. I now know that she knows the law about being separated for 1 year prior to being able to D. I feel that's why she doesn't want us to live under the same roof.

I really don't know what to believe anymore. I feel good when we have a conversation that includes no negativity on her part. To me that alone is positive.

Once she started counseling she said she still loved me, wanted me to get counseling when I got home, and then we would co-counsel when the time was right, and we would see what happens. She said she didn't know how things were going to be between her and I when I got home. It's things like this that have made me go NC unless she initiated. Too many ups and downs.

I'm still trying to think of how things will be when I get home, and until I get there I won't know.

Should I ever at any time bring up the fact that I know she was preparing to leave me before and during this deployment. I don't mean now, but at any time after I get home?

One thing that made me feel good was the fact that everybody that I've talked to has noticed I haven't said anything bad about her. Even though she's doing this to me I still refuse to bad mouth her to others. In all honesty, where would that get me? It doesn't mean I don't think these things, actually i write them down on paper.

I have remained calm and cool throughout this entire process. I have not and will not argue with her no matter how much she wants to. She at one point commented that I'm not arguing with her because i want to be the better person. Yes, to an extent that's true, but I have no desire to argue about this.

On another positive note. I took some pictures of myself today and posted them on Facebook. I had told friends and family about the weight I've lost and they wanted to see pictures. i didn't realize how good i was looking until I took those pictures and actually saw myself. I'm proud of me for the progress I'm making physically, and about me as whole person.

Like what someone mentioned earlier. I will be a better person for me and my D's, and she just may end up missing the train. I don't want my M to end, but if it does, I know I'm a better person and have done everything I needed to do.