Question

[awest1217]

To quickly update between classes:

H dropped off his tax papers because I decided to cave and file jointly. Then today he sends a text that he wants part of the tax refund because he has bills. WHAT!?!?!? I am saving him probably a few hundred dollars by filing together...isn't that enough. He also said he didn't want to fight tonight. He just wanted to spend time with his family. WHAT FAMILY?!?!?! We are not a family. S is his son, but that is it. Honestly we have not been husband and wife for a year so don't say you want to spend time with family especially after the text two weeks ago to OW saying he was going to my house just to play with S. Be honest!

Then I send a text back to say I don't want to fight either. I just want the agreement signed and that is it. He says he won't sign anything and will just give a verbal agreement. I told him that is a no go because he gave me a verbal agreement last May to see S every Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. That lasted a month and now is whenever he feels like it. Not going to happen. I want something consistent and on paper so that I can plan my life without him popping up whenever he feels like it. Then if I have plans, he says I am keeping S from him. NOT GOING THERE!

I am having a really hard time keeping it together at school. I burst into tears this morning during my prep time and am about to now. This is not going to go well. I knew he wouldn't want to sign anything, but it is time. He isn't planning on paying child support this month so I am screwed again and I can't live this way any more.

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky-I will post my agreement later. I think it is written well so I will just need to edit names out, but then I will post it.

[Lucky11too]

Regarding the tax issues, would your tax person be able to quickly show you (and H) the refund vs payment in both a filing joint and separately situation? I know most tax professionals all use software now a days, so I don't think that would be too hard for them to do (or even if you have to pay a nominal fee for that, it may be worth it to get your full refund). Since he's not planning on paying child support this month either that could be another part of your argument. I don't know how much you want to fight him for it though b/c this all could start WWIII!

Regarding the "family" comment, maybe he was just implying spending time with his parents otherwise that really is pretty fake. Yes, you would love to be a family with him, but he's not there yet.

Well hopefully you can still have somewhat of a peaceful evening and come to some understanding with H. You might want to avoid talk about the tax refund issue at least for tonight though b/c I believe your 1st priority is the custody arrangement, right? You just don't want to have the tax issue be a distraction for that.

[ClingingToHope]

I've followed your sitch for a long time and my heart goes out to you. All you want is what you deserve, a man devoted to you and your son.

I almost wish your H was more of an *ss so you could flip the switch. But he seems to always want to have options, backup plans. It isn't fair to you and financially I don't see how you are holding out.

I pray that things go smoothly for you and the process eases your pain. I fear it won't and there's a lot more bumps along the way. We all have been told and then tell others that time is the only true healer here.

You are just 27 and someday you'll look back on this time with pride -- sadness probably -- but you've done all you could to keep your family together. Ten years from now I'm guessing you'll be happily married to a man devoted to you and your boy.

I hope in 10 years your ex will finally have grown up and realized what he threw away -- and become the dad he always should have been.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I'm a little worried. How did last night go?

[awest1217]

I am ok. Last night was non-existent. I got there and H tried to hug me. I avoided it (first time in this whole sitch...actually it has always been the other way until yesterday). By the end of the night I felt sick and just wanted to cry. H acted as if nothing was wrong and like this was normal. He was just so happy to hang out with his family.

We text conversated last night and I let him know that I am done and want out. He said he didn't want us to be over, but never once said or did anything to change my mind. He just said he didn't want us to be over in different ways...that he loved me, and that was it. He again brought up my faults and I said I didn't appreciate that because I was very careful to not bring up OW. He said he wasn't saying those were my faults but things he wanted in a wife. I let him know that since he hasn't come home that it must be what I don't show him (too controlling, don't listen, etc). I am still working on those things and have improved immensely, but how would he know since he only seems me once a week and never talk about anything of substance.

We never discussed the visitation agreement, and I asked him a few times last night to please let me know when we can talk about it, but he never said anything. I am of course saving those texts so when I file, I have proof that I tried.

Today I went to drop S off with my parents so my sister and I could go shopping. My step-dad started belittling my mom (normal occurrence because he is emotionally abusive) and I told him he needed to stop. He said no so I said that S was leaving with me. I left with S and S was mad, but he had fun shopping. I pretty much just lost my parental support in helping with s, but I won't have him around my step-father's abuse. Then a friend and my sister were over tonight just talking. It was a good night. Also I got some major sales...50% off shoes for my easter outfit, and S's easter suit for 50% off. I am very proud of that.

[ClingingToHope]

When my W said she was done, I pleaded with her to give me another chance. I then took relationship classes to see what I could do to change. I didn't blame it on her.

Your H just doesn't get it.

You sound just emotionally beaten down. Get some sleep and tomorrow is a new day. Something great could happen tomorrow.

I'm betting you'll look great in your Easter outfit.

[Lucky11too]

I just don't understand why he won't fight for you. What does he expect from you? You've done what he's asked - worked on those issues for yourself - and yet all he can say just "I don't want us to be over"! Argg. I'm just frustrated with you! Maybe just try to ask him for a straght forward answer then (or maybe you already have) saying, ok, you don't want us to be over, then what do you suggest we do? (and in his words, since you're "over controlling", then fine, give him the control for a minute). He doesn't want it to be over and you've put your heart and soul into trying to say this M, then he needs to suggest how he wants to save it then. It's probably just his possessiveness of you that he doesn't want to let you go, but if he truely cares, then he needs to put that into action!

Overall though, it's amazing to see how much stronger you are. I'm proud of you for standing up to your father in law. That must have been tough, but it's so good not to continue to allow that to be ok, especially in from of S. Maybe it will even get your mom or father in law thinking.

Just continue to to stay strong. I know how emotionally battering this is right now for you. Just continue doing what you know is right and hopefully there is some truth to H's words and he can do what is right as well.

[awest1217]

It was actually my step-dad and mom that were fighting so I pretty much lost that extra help, but oh well.

With H, I have given him all control when it comes to us, which is why I don't understand why he keeps saying I am not being a partner and won't hear him out. I always ask him what he suggests. Just like with S. I put forth an idea and said he could let me know what he would like to change or a plan he would like instead and he just says...I don't know. He says he doesn't want us to be over so I ask him what he thinks we should do, and he says I don't know. I ask him what he wants to do, and he says...that's right you guessed it...I don't know. Sorry for the sarcasm, but I really have tried everything. I have let him have full control and now he is upset because I set a boundary saying I won't be in a relationship with him as long as OW is in the picture and he says I haven't changed at all. I say that I want him to sign papers and talk in person to discuss visitation and he says I am too controlling. How is that controlling? I understand that I am asking for one specific thing to happen, but I am not telling him what to do, I am controlling my life and S's life because he is in my care and has been in my care for a year.

I haven't heard anything really from H since Friday. I did text him yesterday about our fertilizer spreader that I let him use for the place he was staying and never returned. He said he would drop it off some time this week. I said thank you and I just need it before our spring break...two more weeks of work! He said no problem and i love u, but nothing about S or visitation. I am worried he is going to spin this as I am keeping S from him, but he has never asked, and I have to protect myself.

Taxes are getting done this week and hopefully I can get the refund by next week then file spring break. All kind of scary, but it is for the best.

I won't be on much if at all this week because it is our solemn assembly at church. This is a week of getting away from extra distractions to focus solely on your relationship with God. It is a refreshing week to really center yourself with God. It is always a good time for me because I never realize how much the computer, TV, etc. get in the way so I might get on once or twice this week, but if I don't post much...no worries...I will be on again next Saturday.

[awest1217]

This is what I set up Lucky...although it will probably never get signed.

Expenses:
H will pay $500 in child support each month as calculated by the Indiana Child Support Calculator. This amount will help to pay for…
• Daycare fees
• Medical expenses for Hayden
• Clothing for Hayden
• Food for Hayden
• Housing for Hayden
Payment method:
_____One payment of $500 with the first paycheck of the month
_____One payment of $500 with the second paycheck of the month
_____Two payments of $250, one each paycheck

H will continue to keep S on his medical insurance
Me and H will split 50/50 all dental bills and any medical bills exceeding $100 for things such as surgeries or emergency room visits. Any medical bills below $100 I will use the child support to pay for.
Any extra money given to me will go into S’s personal savings account for his later use.


Regular Visitation Schedule:
Before a permanent living arrangement has been established:
• Every other weekend
o H will pick S up from daycare every other Friday and be dropped off at home or picked up by me by 8 pm
o Saturdays of that weekend, H will pick S up by 9 am and S will be dropped off or picked up by 8 pm
o Sundays of that weekend S will be dropped off to Eric after church is over (between 1 pm and 2 pm) and will be dropped off or picked up by 7 pm.
• H will pick up S from daycare ___________ night each week and be dropped off or picked up by 7:00 pm.

Once a permanent living arrangement has been established:
 We will add overnight visitations slowly to allow S a chance to adjust to the new living arrangement.
 For the first three months
o H will pick S up from school the Friday of his weekends and drop him off or be picked up by 8 pm on Saturday evening.
o S will then be dropped off and picked up on Sundays as described above on those same weekends
 After the first three months of a permanent living arrangement and sleeping over one night during the weekend,
o H will then pick up S from daycare on the Friday of his weekends and drop him off or S will be picked up Sunday at 10:15 am for church and be returned to H after church until 7:00 pm Sunday evening.
 H will still pick-up Hayden from daycare _____________ night each week and be dropped off or picked up by 7:00 pm. Over night visitation will not happen during regular school weeks.

Holidays/Vacations:
All holidays will be celebrated with every other parent with the exception of…
• Easter – after church 2 hours will be spent with H and his family and then I will be able to take S to her family gathering
• Mother’s Day – S will spend the entire day with me
• Father’s Day – S will spend the entire day with H
• Our personal birthdays – S will spend the day with the perspective parent whose birthday it is
• S’s birthday – every other birthday will be spent with the other parent
• Christmas – the 23rd into Christmas eve day S will spend with H and late Christmas eve into Christmas day S will spend with me (this is to keep with when the extended families normally see S)
Vacations
• All one day vacations S will stay where he normally would unless H or I has an extra day off when the other does not then that parent would get to spend time with S for the day
• Spring Break – H will get two consecutive full days to spend with S. S will spend the night with H if a permanent living arrangement has been established and S will be dropped off at 8 pm on the return day. Before a permanent living arrangement, H will pick S up at 9 am and drop him off by 8 pm each dat. The days of visitation will need to be given to me in writing or e-mail one month before spring break to give both parents an opportunity to plan vacations. (One week notice for this spring break, 2010.)
• Christmas Break – just like spring break H will see S two full days during Christmas break each week of Christmas break. Pick up and drop offs will be just like Spring break and same with overnights. Days of visitation will need to be given to me in writing or e-mail one month before Christmas break to give both parents an opportunity to plan vacations.
• Summer Vacation – H will pick two full days each week he will consistently see S. These days must be established a month before summer vacation so both I and H have an opportunity to plan vacations including S.
• Other special events can be discussed between me and H and be decided as a parenting unit.

Miscellaneous:
• Both H and I will cooperate to make S’s living arrangement the most safe, secure, and consistent possible
• All important incidences occurring to S while with either parent will be communicated to the other parent with a phone call; doctor visits, medicines, problems at school, etc.
• If one parent needs to switch a weekend, this will be discussed with the other parent one week before the occurrence unless it is an emergency.
• Any other small changes in the visiting agreement must be told to the other parent within 24 hours of the change, unless there is an emergency.
• If there is a time during the parent’s weekend that S must be watched by someone other than the parent, the babysitter must be a family member unless otherwise approved by both parents. If the time is longer than 4 hours, the parents must communicate that this will be happening, why it is happening, and who will be watching S during that time.
• Neither parent will take S out of the state without giving the other parent an itinerary of the trip a week in advance; where S will be, who will be with him, how long the trip will last, etc.
• During overnight visitations, no one other than S and the perspective parent will be sleeping in the same building unless the person is a family member.
• I will supplyH with all medicines, vitamins, clothes, toys, videos, and any other important articles that S will need during his visitation. If H needs something that S does not have, he can call me and pick it up. All food will be taken care of by the parent who S is with.

By signing this document, I agree to all the pieces of information that are in it and will abide by the arrangement unless changes are discussed and agreed by both parents.


Because of the fact that H has not seen S for more than a few hours maybe once a week, and never alone although encouraged to, I think this is very fair. He is seeing S quite a bit, however he won't sign it because he doesn't want to hurt himself if we go to court. I have the papers from my L, this is what he would get and it is a little generous because technically he should only see S Saturday and Sunday and not overnight until 9 months after a consistent visitation is established. I am saying once he has someplace permanent to live overnights can start which could be next week...he still thinks it is unfair, but it is unfair to see S only when it is convenient and constantly cancel. Ok so now I am going to try to stay off for a the rest of the week unless something drastic happens. I am checking my e-mail once a day so if you have advice I will still read it.

[Lucky11too]

That's really a great idea with solemn assembly. It really is amazing how distracted we can all get with the internet, tv, etc.

I understand what you're saying about H. You can only do what you can do, and if H doesn't want to change or make a decision, there's not much more that you can do. I think that's why a lot of these DBing cases still fail. We DB our hearts off and it's not for our lack of trying. If the other spouse is not willing to change or work together for a change, there's not much more we can do. We can only control ourselves and our own lives. Even though it's resulting in the end of the M for you, you are finally able to take control of your life for yourself and S and not be on H's rollercoaster. It would still be great if H could catch up and jump on, but sometimes you just have to be realistic too. You have your path now and it's really up to him to figure it out and get to action before it really is too late.

Thanks for posting your custody arrangement. It's really well written and covers all the bases. And I do think you're being more than fair to H. Children need routine and consistency, and H needs to understand that and cooperative. He's either got to be all in or out with S - not just popping in and out of his life as he chooses. That's just not fair to S. I think it would be different too if he was like some of the dad's on here that just can't get enough of their children, but it seems like with your H, although he loves him, you almost have to force him on him. Hopefully, as S gets older, H will be able to find that bond with him and find common interests, so that he can be the great dad he needs to be. Even though he probably won't sign this version as least you were able to get all your ideas out and have something in writing, which should hopefully make the custody hearing (if it gets that far) go more quickly and smoothly. I don't think there's much H could really argue with there.

I had a thought with H (but see if it would work with H) is to just play a little hard ball with him. Unless you want him to continue with the meaningless "I love you" texts, maybe start up with your only talking about S idea. As soon as the D occurs, that is that reality of his contact with you. You could even tell him that unless he has something productive to say (an actual idea of how to save the M he doesn't want to end - no more blaming you or I don't knows) then the communication will stay focused on S or other logistical necessities (ie house, taxes, etc). Just a thought b/c his recent texts have got to be frustrating for you.

I hope the week goes well for you. Good luck!