HB is so on the money there CW, we are in a financial pickle because of H's leaving, ironically because I GAL and got a job its me supporting him, well not really which is the problem not enough to go round effectively. I am losing out big time, but believe me if I had got to D point I would have wanted to take him down if I had kids too, but my S is grown up so I would have only been hurting myself it would have been better to play on his guilt and let him look after me which he always said he would..
All you can do is pass him the rope at this point and hope hes not daft enough to use it, but he will at least for a bit.. your best hope is that over time he will get bored and hanker after his home comforts but even that is gonna be a shock because you sure arnt going to be as comfortable as you used to be!
Thanks for your support on my thread much appreciated hun!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
LR...I always wish I could say more to you but I do know that you are a strong person and you WILL get thru these financial issues...thanks for stopping by.
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I have been having a hard time the last couple of days! Was blaming it on the weather but the sun was out yesterday and was still sad! Just when you think you have a handle on your emotions, the dam breaks and they come flooding out so I was just really holding them back and not dealing with them! I hated to see that R2's H is going through with a D too!
Yes, I do still need to work on detaching. Not sure how much more distance I can do at this point...we are pretty distanced! lol!
This is what I am thinking with presenting H with the financial numbers. I have always paid the bills. He always thought we had a money tree in the back yard. He has no clue as to our financial situation. I know that he needs to hit the bottom or "be left to twist in the wind" (what a visual!). I will present it to him...that is all, I will not tell him why I am showing it to him! What he does after that will be HIS decision. I will do what I need to do to protect us and take care of us financially for the kids and I without feeling any guilt or regret! Yes, I admit, I do hope that it will slow down the process but also realize that it most likely will not since he is in his own little world now.
It is kinda creepy actually to think about him being right where he was when I met him...living in a dump with most of his "prized" possessions surrounding him, bills mounting and working all the time...he has OW spoon feeding him but other than that..doesn't sound like much of a existence!
I did call him this morning to see what the vet said about the dog. He told me that he did leave a vm on my phone (it never alerted me I guess I didn't check, just assumed he didn't call...shame on me!) and yes, there is a vm there. Anway, he takes dog back next week to have lump removed...high white count, possible cancer. In the past, I would have asked "how much is this going to cost" but didn't. As you can tell, I am the one that is always worried about money. Since H has left, we have lost a hamster and a guinea pig and now this.
He had heard one of our "colorful" locals had passed away and asked me about that, talked about the stupid weather we are having and plans to take the kids tomorrow. I wanted to ask him if he was going to grandson's birthday party on Sunday but didn't. He's a big boy...it is not my job to remind him!
So, threw my little "why me, I didn't ask for this" tantrum this morning after I got on fo the phone with H and threw some laundry in and will get busy cleaning and will finish up the primer in my room! Going to make corned beef/cabbage today since I didn't on Wed....
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Does your H have separate finances from you now? Do you and he share any bills or cc's? If so I recommend getting him off the record so to speak. D will actually help you with this - his debt is his debt and his accounts and bills are his - and legally you will not go down with him.
Financally, D will protect you. Emotionally no. D can be drawn out not only financially but by busy lawyers - you take your time getting your info to your L, the L leaves it on his desk a while, you have to send papers back to him and his L - it can take years. SO there is hope that if you stall enough he'll come out of the fog, OW will dump him and you'll be stronger when he returns! IT's happened to a lot of folks on this board - don't give up! REad some "Piecing" stories - filled iwth people who faced OPs and Ds and it turned around eventually.
Hi H4L! Thanks for stopping by! Am happy to see that things are going well for you! I just read thru Freckle's story and was encouraged! Thankyou for the insight and encouraging words!!!
I guess what I am trying to do besides slow things down is to save myself the retainer fee if I can and I also want to keep my health ins for as long as I can. In my state, bills are 50/50. I guess maybe the best thing to do would be to meet with my L again (she subtracts her consultation fee of the retainer fee if I retain her.
His bills (car/bike and medical) are piling up.
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Hey, CW..I'm ok..I'm on a long run across country; and I'm a little tight for time when I do some of them.
Quote:
Yes, I do still need to work on detaching. Not sure how much more distance I can do at this point...we are pretty distanced! lol!
That's not the kind of distancing I was talking about; LOL, to an extent, even though you love him, and always will...emotional distancing is what I was referring to.
Detaching will keep you from getting sucked into his drama, not allowing his actions to affect you; Emotional distancing will help to set aside your own feelings regarding their behavior so you can function without falling apart...it's emotional protection for you. Combined, they help you NOT to take things personally, will help to keep you stable; and when totally reached; will protect you from being hurt because of what he's doing.
If you pay attention, he is already emotionally distanced from you, but in a bad way. Yours would be in a good way.
Like detachment, emotional distancing will also help you 'step out of the box' and view his actions dispassionately, provoking NO reaction from you, regardless of what he does. Your emotions are no longer involved, and you "disconnect" from him in that way.
I know what is, and have done it within my own situation..it actually looks "cold-hearted" when the end result is reached.
There is a calmness that settles upon you, and NOTHING bothers you when this is complete.
You learn to separate the behavior from the person; you still love the person, but do not like the behavior, but because of detachment and distancing, their BEHAVIOR/ANTICS/DRAMA will not affect you.
These same things will also work on other people who would abuse you, use you and take advantage of you. No matter how mad someone gets, because they cannot manipulate you, through detaching and distancing from their crap/drama it will no longer affect you.
Doesn't mean you will no longer love, it simply means you will no longer be drawn into something that will upset you. And if someone means you harm, you will see it without all the emotional "coloring" that has a tendency to happen if you aren't detached and distanced from them.
For example, when it was me: I still loved my husband, but knew I needed to protect myself from his antics..and so I detached from his drama, and distanced myself from his behavior; and it was the best thing I ever did during that time.
Where'd I'd been volatile before, I was calm after I reached these necessary things.
I loved, and it hurt, but when I reached total detachment, and emotionally distanced myself; it no longer hurt, and I was clear headed enough to decide for myself what I needed to do.
The differences between both are subtle, yet, nearly the same.
There are still times even now, when I need to use these techniques to keep me from reacting negatively in various different situations, and they don't always involve my husband. And I use them to my advantage.
I love people, but love doesn't equal doormat; and so, I choose my reactions to them, after I detach and distance from a situation to see what is really behind it before I respond to it.
Tools of a lifetime.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I see what you are saying HB.The last few days were quite emotional for me and I think part of it was my plan to talk to H about finances. I said I was prepared for a negative response but think that my heart must have known that wasn't true and I think that is part of the reason why I got so sad!!!
H4L made a lot of sense and have been thinking and will do some more but now I think I will let the L handle it. H didn't give me any warnng about the D papers and as you said HB, he has to learn these lessons on his own and I am starting to get very nervous about our financial sitch. Thinking this way since last night into today and I feel so much better!
H came and cleaned out the fish tank and took the kids to breakfast. Told them he had to work tonight. He didn't mention that to me yesterday so not sure about that. But, no matter! He is only hurting himself by not spending time with the kids!
Also, kind of a funny story and kinda eeeeww too. While I was painting yesterday, the phone rang andcaller id showed a "private caller". I answered and heard a click. Then, about an hour later, it rang again and this time it was from a local, divorced man. I had paint on my hands and had no idea why he would be calling here so I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Today, my co-worker told me that this guy thinks I am hot and he would like to go out with me. She heard that from her BF who is friends with this guy. She reminder her BF that I am still married and to make sure that that guy knows that! I hardly know this guy, have seen him out walking and said hello but that is all. His W left him a couple of years ago after having an A with her Pastor. Anyway, besides the fact that I AM still married, he is at least 10yrs older than me and I suppose I should feel flattered but I feel eeewww...sort of wish H would find out about it but am pretty sure he wouldn't care! Heck, he'd probably like that as this guy has money!!!! lol
Hopefully H will show up at grandson's birthday party tomorrow. He didn't mention it. DIL will not be happy if he doesn't!
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Oh boy! Just got a phone call from the divorced man wanting to know if I would be walking in the morning, He is looking for someone to walk with...ugh! It has been way too long since I have had to deal with this stuff and not sure I handle it right!
I told him that I am a "fair-weather" walker and would not be walking in the morning. He went on a little while (including mistaking my son for me on the phone...poor kids voice hasn't changed yet!)and then said maybe we could walk sometime (eeewww) and he wasn't sure of my "situation". So, I told him that my situation was that "I hoped things would work out" and then he said that maybe he'd see me out walking sometime.
So, my kids wanted to know who that was! Geez, uh, this guy wants to go walking with your Mom....! I didn't like doing this dance before I met my H and I am pretty sure I am not going to like it now!
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CW, that must have been uncomfortable. The guy sounds kind of pushy!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
