How do I expose the affair

[WhatNow]

WhatNow, I would really appreciate hearing your story if you don't mind?

ummmm well.... I have logger issues right now. I should have them cleared up by Sat.

more (((mb)))

[june72]

mb- I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope you are feeling much better now.

Have you seen your husband since the ugly incident?

I just hope that you talk to him on your terms. I am worried that he will start to drift into how "he" felt, why "he" is doing what he is doing. IF the conversation turns unhealthy for you- I hope you can end it if necessary or draw firm boundaries.

IDK, there are those wiser here who can advise better.

I just am guessing that his guilt is going to want him to talk to you. But I am not sure if it will genuine concern or just him trying to make his conscience feel better, am I making sense?

Or perhaps he will avoid you like the plague feeling so bad for his hand in all of this, who knows...

[Allen A]

June, my advice would be to refuse him admittance to any hospital room or at home.

It is clear from this thread that a great deal of the pain that drove this event was mb28's H's doing.

It is a common result from these sorts of situations. Him showing up NOW is not healthy

I was in a very similar situation a year and a half ago... I was ill too.. and I got myself setup to do something similar at a point too.

I can only hope this is some sort of an eye opener for Mr mb28 and he takes some constructive action.

[mb28]

Thanks everyone. My H doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, and refused to come and see me in the hospital. That breaks my heart, but I need to move past that. I do still have that little bit of hope that maybe he will change his mind, but I know I can no longer hold on to that, it's not healthy.

I've done little contact with him at all since I left the hospital on Wed. Only when it has to do with kids and household stuff. I'm currently staying with a friend for the next few weeks until I can get my own apartment. I just can't bare to go back to that house that we shared. My H is currently staying there with the kids, and is planning on taking it over when the D is started. I haven't heard anything from him about the D and his plans as far as that goes. I think he is just giving me some time to heal before he does anything. I did tell him that I could never go back to that house unless he decides he wants to work on the M. I didn't get a response from him when I said that though. I think I need to move on as if we were heading for a D. It's just very hard to come to terms with.

[Allen A]

Hope is healty mb28. You aren't even divorced. You certainly have reason to hold onto hope.

BUT... you can't let that hope drive you crazy. You need to work on OTHER things in your life to help you focus on healthier areas.

your position on not going back home was a solid one. Good call there.

His silence is most likely shame talking. he really is in the hot seat from his perspective.

But you need to focus on school, motherhood, and the new home you are looking towoards.

Surround yoruself iwth good people and keep busy. Don't give up on him, but Do give up the chase, THAT is not healthy.

[mb28]

Allen,
Thanks for letting me know hope is ok to feel. The chase is what was killing me. And I know that is what I have to let go of. Thanks again for all your support!

[flowmom]

The chase is what was killing me. And I know that is what I have to let go of.

Yes (((mb)))

[WhatNow]

Hi mb...

I know you are feeling better every minute with a few backsteps here and there.

I had to get a new laptop. I strongly suspected H had a keylogger going in my old one. On a few occasions he mentioned things I had only typed. Paranoid, I know. I guess he can read my posts here now as well, but it had me creeped out. I don't believe he cares anymore.

Anyway, my Plan S.

Early Nov 09, after DBing forever (a year), going off track every week or so, I was getting nowhere. H had returned July 1 but I gradually realized he was still seeing OW. The Nov realization was that he was trying to leave me not get over her. I let that devastation eat away at me, sending my mind into a swirl of comments he had said to me over the last year. "The house is a wreck ...Bad housewife(not true but not always perfectly tidy) The kids are awful kids Bad Mother(not but a pain in the butt sometimes-they're kids!)I don't do anything for him Bad wife(duh- he'd been a mean, hostile, SOB for a couple of years!) and on and on. I believed these things and convinced myself? or allowed him to convince me? Everyone would be better off without me. I have a big life insurance policy so $ probs would be solved too. I was doing a good thing for my family. I got the house, bills, my junk etc all in order to ease the transition. I told him one morning in early Dec., I was leaving. He asked me to stay. He asked if he could "combine". (He has brought up moving her in many times). I left to drive my car over a cliff.(Lots of cliffs around, people drive over the edges all the time.) My friend R, called minutes after I left home, to ask me for lunch. She must have sensed something but I felt like I was being perfectly normal, oddly at peace, but normal. She told me anecdotes about her mom. Her mom was an addict who died when she was young. She talked about how hard it was to have a crazy mom, but it was much harder than no mom at all. FOiled! So, I did what you are doing and spent a week with another friend, went home, recommitted to DBing, did Christmas, and then H left the day after "because everyone was in so much pain" .

Lots of work with thought stopping since. It is so easy now to have that switch flipped, turning on all the awful things he has said to me. I do not believe those things. I do not believe HE believed those things...they were justifications for his horrible behavior. Going dark has saved me from that chaos.

Bad mom better than no mom.

Now, I am stronger than ever. Still have lots of "moments" but whatever happens in my love life, I will be here for my kids.

[flowmom]

(((WhatNow)))

[mb28]

WhatNow,
Thanks for sharing your story with me. How has the LRT been working for you?

I seen H today for a few hours, doing our taxes and such. D talk came up, and he would like to get that done as soon as possible. I told him my therapist suggested 6 month seperation where we really work on ourselves and then decide. He said no, we need to just D and move on. And that there was no way we could ever come back from this. This is not what I want, but I'm ok with this too.