Ok, I am never talking about feeling sick on these boards again, you guys made me start thinking as if my time is short (if it is, I will probably regret my 3 years of DBing and piecing...)
Some days are harder than others. H said something today that was so "pre separation" I was amazed. A moment from the past so clear that made me freak out. It was somethig ridiculous about the Bbq and he said something "when I say something cant you just accept it, you HAVE to just accept what I say now and then...". HUGE red flag there. Before he moved out he kept saying, "make me feel like a man" while he wanted to say "make me feel like she does". I cant explain but my antennas picked up something as if he misses how he got away with her, "being the man and all". Tough luck, in this house, BS like that wont get him anywhere. Especially when it was really nothing. I couldnt understand what he was saying and asked for an explanation.
My dad still feels ok. My face looks horrible. Really. I didnt go out today at all.
My BGF came over with her kids and we chatted etc etc. Good girls' time. He was working today, changes his day off without telling me, we discussed it and I told him should let me know ahead of time and he agreed.
Didnt have many dizzy spells today, a little but nothing like the days before.
Considering quiting smoking. It feels beyond my powers, I cant even stop biting my nails, but I think I am ready to try. At the moment I read everything about what smoking does to ones body to get me disgusted. It's all in my head.
I still have so much anger in me. I have to find a way to let go of that. I was going through some tax papers today and saw the receipt of our kids bunk bed, 30/10/2006. I remembered the day clearly and he was so excited and we picked the colors out etc etc. He was seeing her for over 2 months... What an actor!
I've lost a part of my soul over this. I've lost my innocence, my faith in people. Sometimes the cynic comes out "if H could do that, then anyone could do that and worse". Thank God some of my dearest friends and my family with their actions, remind me that not ALL men are the same. K
