WAH in MLC with PA

[trustingfaith]

DG,

I have found over the past few months that sometimes going with your gut (even though it seems anti-DB or whatever) is the way to go.

And I think you are right in your reactions and backing off now and not saying anything more about MLC.

He may back way off from you again for a time, but it does seem like he may have had a moment of clarity.

Hang in there!!

(((hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks TF!

He was supposed to come by while I was at work today to pick up a few things of his that I put in the garage for him. My mom said he hasn't been by though. (He's probably dealing with his sisters and the fallout from last night's incident)

The things will sit there until he wants them then. I won't call him.

I'm going back to working on me as that's all I can control...

[trustingfaith]

Good for you. When you get to the point where you realize that you are the only one you can control and you just have to let them go and figure it out themselves is huge. For me, that is when I started feeling at least some measure of peace (though I do admit I still struggle with that still sometimes).

[DiamondGirl]

Email from H asking re: what he can claim for taxes... I advised him by return email very politely.. nothing... He replied that he thought he should be able to claim S13 disability at least, but as he was not primary caregiver as of Dec 31, I told him he probably couldn't.

He asked if I wanted to file together and split the refund 50/50. I told him sorry, I already sent mine in. I advised him he could paper file his and include a letter to see if they would allow him to claim part of the kids' info as we separated end of year.

All very polite and he didn't get angry or spewing... sounded down to me actually...

He thanked me for responding to his questions.. so I replied "no problem, have a good day" (as I would for any friend)

He then sent an email saying he would agree to Sole Custody if I agreed to his visitation demands..

I replied back that I thought he was no longer moving to the US (probably shouldn't have said that).. and that there were other issues in the visitation he proposed that I didn't agree with, but that I had to go to a meeting and couldn't discuss it further at the moment...

The fact that H even suggested giving me Sole Custody is shocking to me.. the H I married would never, ever give up the right to decisions in his childrens' lives.

I'm not sure if he's deeply depressed or if OW is back in the picture again...

Or he could have been trying to show me that just because we talked on the phone and through email he still wants to go ahead with D...

Not spending any more time thinking about it... but I wish I knew which way the wind blows right now...

[flowmom]

DG, the custody thing sounds MLCish to me. Hearts Blessing has written about how they can distance themselves from the children as well.

[DiamondGirl]

So H decided to take some more $$ out of our joint account that I have kept open only for household bills.

My income no longer goes in it, but I transfer just enough to cover them in it each month. I cannot close the account as H's name is on the mortgage along with my mom's but not mine and the mortgage comes out of that account. In order to change anything to do with the mortgage, both their signatures are needed. H won't sign anything right now.

He didn't take much at all, just enough for his gas for a day or so, but if I hadn't checked the account the mortgage payment would have bounced.

In keeping with the 48 hour and email rule, I'd like advice what to do.

He doesn't put any money into the account for child support or anything and shouldn't be touching it any longer at all.

I can't control what he does, and he knows he isn't supposed to touch it, but like a kid, he is in selfish mode and doesn't care cuz his fantasy world is starting to fall.

If he gets away with it now, I'm afraid he will take larger and larger amounts out as he gets closer to bottom. I'm barely making ends meet right now and my part time job will end in a few months so things are going to get even tighter until I find another.

How do I address this? Is there a way to address this?

[Lostforwords]

DG-

Just had to comment on your conversation with your husband. I have a saying I go by..."First understand, then be understood". You did an awesome job of that...letting him speak and validating then moving on to validating your position. Big Kudo's...even though American hockey is better than Canadian...lol.

On the mortgage account.....since that seems to be the only bill coming out of it. You may be stuck unless your bank helps you out. I am wondering if there is way that the bank would limit withdrawals to only the mortgage company (or bank). It may not be possible, but worth a quick phone call. Just explain the situation to the banker and see what they can do for you.

Just a tough one....because there is probably no way to limit access to the account.

[DiamondGirl]

Should I send an email to H re: the joint account withdrawal?

On one hand, I know he is flat broke and SIL1 has been paying for everything for him since he keeps spending his pay on smokes, coffees, whatever.... She has been since he left so I assume she has continued to do so (since I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks now). I feel like by my not raising the issue with him again re: withdrawal from the joint account, I am being equally enabling...

Also, I don't want to set a precident where he can start feeling like he has a free pass to dip into my money whenever he's between a rock and a hard place. He seems to think that since he was so "generous with his pays" when he first left, that he's entitled to take $$ back now in bits and pieces.

On the other, I don't want to add fuel to the fire for such a small amount of money either. I usually do check the accounts when I know $$ are to come out, so I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. And he knows it's my habit to do so (since his work history was so erratic with job changes and him withdrawing $$ I pretty much had to develop that habit!)

He wants to be "separated" but only when it suits him to apparently..

I'm trying to decide if this is a battle I want to pick...

Any thoughts?

[Mila]

Hi DG,

Maybe you can tell him that you would appreciate if he gave you heads-up next time he needs to "borrow" money from the mortgage account, you don't want him to ruin his credit if his mortgage payment is late for lack of funds.

If you manage to do it in a positive way maybe he would get the message.

[DiamondGirl]

SIL texted me about something unrelated to sitch...Tried to clear the air with her a bit about the last time we talked.

She thought I was mad at her because I stopped talking to her, but I told her it was just because I didn't want her in the middle of all this...

Apparently H did break up with OW over the weekend, but they are now back together again..

I suspected as much as he suddenly brought up the custody stuff again...

I'm not as fazed about it as I would have been a few short months ago, but it still frustrates me. I wish OW would just get out of the picture so H can hit bottom already! How crazy is this chick to stick around with someone this screwed up right now?

Trying to take my mind off of it as I don't want to spiral farther down, but I feel very discouraged about things at the moment.