I already had a rough day at work yesterday. An 11th hour "crisis" I was forced to handle, but it required me to ask the xMIL to drop S9 off at a birthday party for his best friend because I was going to be later than I had planned. Let me say I hate owing xMIL any sort of favor.
I finally got off work and managed to pick S9 up and the party, where he had been having a great time. Then together we went to xW's to pick up S5 -- this was to begin the start of my week of custody with both of my S's.
When I got there, however, S5 was having an absolute conniption fit over the fact I was there. He began screaming that he did not want to go with "Daddy" and wanted to stay with his mother. He bawled loudly and refused to leave, twice he ran away from me and away from my car. He had an absolute meltdown exclaiming he doesn't want "Daddy" but he wants"OM" instead.
For my part I tried not to show any signs of emotion, one way or the other. I wanted to present a calm exterior to my S, neither angry, upset or too far to the opposite, as a too happy demeanor would be risky in itself, and might come off as too glib or trite -- he's not stupid. And I refused to be the one to drag S5 to my car; I let xW be the one to do so, as I would rather her be seen as the confrontational one in this case. I also spoke in calm, gentling tones, with love and a desire to understand my S, but still firm and resolved.
Internally, my heart was shattering. I felt so dejected. xW took her dear sweet time in coaxing S5 to go to my car, spending an excruciatingly long time cuddling with S5 and reassuring him -- she was in no real hurry. I got the impression she was stalling in hopes I might give up. I can say I was so distraught inside at S5's wails that I nearly did give up, at a couple of points. But I realized that that would be wrong. It would be cowardly for me not to stand my ground, no matter how this was killing me. I tried to keep in mind that I have to hold the line for my S's sake, or else all would be lost.
OM was there, skulking in the shadows beyond the view of the threshold. He opened his mouth a couple of times to say something to S5. That just started another round of angry protests from S5.
I managed to get S5 out to my car and into the back seat. But as I was trying to get his older brother in after him, S5 slipped out the other door and ran back crying towards his mother's apartment.
I have never, ever seen S5 act this way, around anyone. And certainly he has never had this reaction to me before. I have had a very loving relationship with S5, and with his brother. This was a change in demeanor as I've never seen in him, not to this degree, and not focused so strongly against me.
Finally I got S5 in his seat and his belt buckled and then made sure S9 was also secure. As I got myself into my car I took another glance at xW's face and saw how she was staring at S5. I read in her expression this odd mixture of self-satisfaction and
She noticed my staring at her, raised her eyebrows and said, "What?!?"
At that, I paused from getting in the car, closed the door, and briefly dropped my outward calm, saying to her, "You know what!"
I then got into the car, and she was trying to reply that she had nothing to do with this scene. She exclaimed that this is all my fault, that S5 can sense my "anger" and that is why he does not want to go with me. She said that he is 5 years old and needs his mother, but I am taking him away from her.
She said this within S5's earshot and that nearly made my anger errupt out of control. But I ignored her after that point and refocused on both of my S's, and getting the H out of there.
Driving home I felt the aftershock of all this stress and wanted to cry, but I held the tears in check. I could feel the strain on my heart. Instead I tried to engage S5 and his brother. And while it took a while to get S5 to calm down, I eventually got him to tell me where he wanted to eat -- I bought him his favorite food and took him home.
We spent the evening having a good time playing together, and S5 seemed finally to be content. S9 had no problem at all with being with me. He actually seemed to welcome it.
Obviously, S5 is having a lot more going on inside of him than he has let on in my presence before now. But nothing could have prepared me for the shocking degree to which he was showing such angry rejection of me, his father. Likewise there is nothing in the way we related to each other in the past that would warrant such an extreme display.
I am convinced that xW is poisoning my S's against me. Despite her constant claims she tries to foster the relationship our S's have with me, I know she does not. And now I am convinced she has been actively brain-washing them, and turning any slight difference to her advantage. I know how xW thinks, especially now, and while I would have hoped she was beyond such tactics, I am afraid that here too is an area I have placed in her too much trust.
After the boys were off to bed. I did talk in separate calls to my mother and to my youngest brother. They tried to cheer me up and assured me that I needed to stand strong in the face of this disheartening turn of events. They worry for my morale now, and told me to be strong for S9 and S5. They each concluded that xW has shown her true colors in these last three years, especially now, and my S's need me now more than ever.
My brother went further and suggests, much as some of you have, that it may come a point where I will need to fight for full custody of my S's if I have any hope that they will have normal, well-adjusted lives. I really do not want to take my S's away from their mother, no more than I want her to take them away from me. My S's do love her, and they need a mother as well as their father.
Likewise, I worry that my attempts to hold on to them might not cause them more harm than not to -- but then I realize that that is precisely the conclusion that xW wants me to decide, and the very reason she acts without constraint.
Today, we are having a lazy day, taking it easy. No long hike as I had originally planned. We are all calm and relatively happy. I am not looking forward to what more antics might be in store for me when xW gets a hold of my S's again.
I am praying to God I can weather this storm, as it was as bad as anything I have ever dealt with. I think it may very well have been, in many ways, even worse than the bomb itself.
