right now I feel like the only way there is to get my family back. just being honest. I guess I can't get past that. at the least I just want to be able to see my boys.
I am in a rut
I was doing ok there for a while but on call this weekend, w and kids up there going to soccer games, birthday parties and the like.
I miss my kids terribly.
the loneliness and isolation over these 8 months has really worn me down...
hard not to be biding my time until 2 weeks from now when I can move up there... then will be here another 2 weeks.
I have never posted to you.....sorry you find yourself in here.....I have read some of your story but I dont understand why move to where they are....you have just spent the last 9 yrs. to be a heart surgeon and you want to move to be closer to the kids, and that is fine but are you for sure it is not more for her????
Will you be able to handle to see her with him??? and if you do I read where you posted you wanted to kick his butt.....and I am sure that might happen,what will the children think of this? and you know it will get you in jail...is he worth it???
Just wondering what moving there would accomplish, other than seeing the boys more,that would be nice but I think it is a bad idea. I remember me wanting to move to be closer to my husband in my mind I was thingking if I we moved closer, we could reconnect somehow....
you are so new to this I really wonder if you are thinking this thing thru.....imho I know you want it to work out like this, to reconnect, but dont forget this is MLC and it is a very long journey if I have learned anything from this it is that ONE thing.....it is a long long journey and we cant make them change. How they they think.....or fix them....we cant do anything but work on ourselves.....
And they have said here time and time again how can they miss you if you are always there???
This is her journey and if you interfere with it it may never bring her to the end of it.....just my thoughts.....be blessed and let go and let god..
Maybe I came across as wrong, that is not what I meant......but wouldnt moving there have more chances of running into his wife with the o/m???? not the children, that would be the best thing to happen, I am more concerned with any physical confrontations with the o/m....sorry if I misled anyone especially you CMNM....sorry geezz!! you know when and if the time comes and he sees her with him it will not be a pretty sight......at least for a while.....till he heals a little more....thats all i meant...
I'm going to chime in here as well..Newbie though I am to all this... I've been following along with your sitch and am impressed at how graciously you've been accepting of all the wood flying..(well meaning and deserved though they are)
Cat04 is right... didn't your wife say she would consider moving to MA with you? Perhaps this is her way of wanting to start fresh with you in a new environment? Of perhaps comprimising with you as she knows how you feel about your career?
Perhaps that is why she went closer to OM... to start fresh as things in your M weren't working for her... She doesn't want to go back to where you are now.. I wouldn't either if I felt it would represent going backwards in my M too.. (I'm making an assumption that is what she may be feeling)
The fact that she seemed open to the possiblity of moving to MA seems like she isn't sure that OM is in her future either...
Something to consider or explore?
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
When you are a parent, there is NOTHING that should come between you and your children. NOTHING. Irma, I get what you are saying and why you are saying it...however...I don't agree that anything, other than being the best father possible, should be on Bradley's mind right now. And being the best father possible may mean giving up on things he had planned for his life, and being in "uncomfortable situations," and maybe other things he is not anticipating. SO WHAT? In the end, the time with his kids will be the most important thing, no matter what happens.
Bradley, you are impressing the hell out of me. Don't second guess yourself...
Thanks for your thoughts. and nice to meet/see you. I always appreciate people giving me their thoughts.
well....you are certainly in the minority here. but I have actually met and been with the OM at his house with wife-- we watched the SEC championship together. at that time she was trying to convince me they were just friends. all I know is there was a crazy barrage of texts for months and months. she still insists there is nothing there. maybe there isn't now. I don't know. but I am mentally preparing myself for that. I am accepting the fact that I am going there to be a dad.
I have spent the last 8 months away from my boys. it is killing me. so at the very least, I will be able to be with them now-- much more than before.
I think of reconciliation as a shot in the dark. I"m not moving there for that. of course if it happens I will be ecstatic.
though yesterday my wife said, "don't worry, it will all work out the way you want it to in the end... I mean we aren't going to get divorced, right?"... this came in a conversation that I brought up basically saying that I was kindof tired of limbo land. yes I know. bad bad. well its just every day the pleasantries... the nice talks... and no progress it feels. its frustrating. but as people have pointed out here patience is the key.
will I be able to handle her with him if they end up together forever... I don't know. won't know till I get there. but the alternative which is ditching my boys certainly is not an acceptable solution. thus yes.. I am trying to prepare myself for "uncomfortable situations".
interesting thing about the missing. it works when I'm not there for the weekend... my wife certainly misses me... has time to think. time to feel what its going to be like without me... soccer practice today-- without me. she's been calling, texting... saying that she was thinking of me. Its nice. but is it real (or memorex)?
of course she has never actually felt what its like for me to be there like a "normal dad" since I was in my training up until a year ago. this is not good for me...
the mass thing... it was kindof a shot in the dark.
yes she did say that... but I'm not sure how much she really meant it. its hard to believe her sometimes. perhaps I need to start doing that more.
too bad the timing wasn't right. I already took the job there... it would be like committing career suicide for the second time (I've already done it once now) by ditching that job-- I told so many people I was coming there, so many people vouched for me. professionaly I would be a joke.
so who knows... its not going to happen for now. I feel like if we are going to work out we will work out. moving to mass wouldn't cure that... though it was such a nice dream to think of for a day or two
You are in the majority here. this is what everyone has been telling me... and I think you and everyone else is right. its hard to argue when so many people say the same thing. and it sounds right and seems right.
I have learned so much over the last 8 months... though it doesn't seem it yet. I am beginning to think that I will learn things that really will make me a better person and give me a happier life... crazy as that seems.
I am going to be much more focused on my relationships with other people. I used to have relationships with other people for ME. I got what I wanted out of them... if there was nothing in it for me, then no reason to have that relationship. but that is why I am alone right now with not very many friends. so I'm going to make friends and be a better friend to the friends I have. these are the things that I am working on. "bsing" with people. I always thought it was such a waste of time.. but now I understand it is about connecting with people, showing an interest in other people... when you do that people will show an interest in you. and if you don't... they don't.
its been a VERY tough thing for me to learn. these days are absolute hell for me. but I will learn from these mistakes and have a better life because of it.
I'm going to say what I wanted to call the wife and say but I'm not going to... maybe I'm learning. just skyped with the boys. and it KILLED ME. 8 months now.. .I've only seen them for about 36 hours once in the last month. she has ripped this family apart. she has made them feel like this is "normal" and "ok" and that "daddy loves them"... she has propped them up, distracted them, made excuses and not let them miss me... even when they tell me they miss me she discounts it. one in particular... really misses me.
and I miss them... desperately. I've missed a whole year of their life.
so many mixed messages coming from her.
now big picture-- I am going up tomorrow as she has set up for us to see a new marriage counselor. this weekend she is coming down with the boys. she says she would potentially allow me to love on her a bit. she texted me this morning "a back rub every day for a month?". we talked about 5 or 6 times today. nice talks. I was just about to ruin it with this:
I cannot believe you took those boys away from me. you have destroyed this family. you say that you want to reconcile but you make no moves toward that (I realize she sortof is... that is why I am here). you say that you are alone, that there is nothing for you there. yet when an opportunity came up for me to stay here, you don't want to come here. your story has changed a million times about why you left. first it was to pursue a dream. you said it would be a year. you said that we would spend weekends together. we haven't. and now a year is almost past and you say that you don't want to live here, that it is not good for you and not good for the boys. well I'm not sure I want to move there to do something that i don't really want to do, and yet be party to love triangle. you and he both left your spouses for each other. let me go. tell me the truth that you are in love with someone else. give me that respect. I feel like you are stringing me along. I feel like you are lying and manipulating me. I cannot take this heartbreak any longer. I cannot take this limbo any longer. You want me to give up my dream so that I can move to a town that you moved to to be with another man. it wasn't because you didn't want to be here. it wasn't to pursue a dream. it was to get away from me. I understand that. WHAT DO YOU WANT. you tell me that you will move with me to massachusetts. how is that any different from coming here. you tell me that you will do whatever I say. you do not want me to live with you. I want to be with my boys. they are my SONS. you keep saying that I never wanted to be with them. that is BS! and you know it. but you have had to do that so that you can live with your decision to take them away so you can go and live your fantasy land and be with what I believe you think is your soul mate. you are so cold. so cruel. so heartless. I do not deserve this. I was working for us. working so that we could be together on these beautiful spring days together as a family. I never strayed. I always loved you. I gave you everything. I could not give you myself. yes. I realize I could have given more of myself. I could have been more of a partner. I could have loved on you more. I did my best. now you need to find a way to forgive me and let it go. you keep bringing up the past. the past is gone. I have changed. I want you. I want to love on you. hold your hand. be with you. I want to be there for you. if you don't want that from me then tell me. and let me go.
ok so I said that here. and not to her. I don't feel that much better but I think its better that I said it here.
