New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Carlos - so sorry to hear about your drama.

JR - it's entirely possible that the conversation will make her think about shifting her priorities a little and refiling. Just saying, be prepared. None of this is the end of anything. You have time, and shaking things up might have some good consequences. Only time will tell.

Just remember if you get more from her about this, some of your best phrases "I understand why you feel that way", "I want you to be happy", and "I only want what's best for the boys".

And remember, it's not about how far you fall, what matters is how high you bounce.

[JR09]

I have pulled back as you have advised. I just made plans to link up with the Boys for Spring Break(5 days. My leave was approved. so it should be fun. My W actually suggested the dates. I emailed her to tell her I was coming up and also extended an invitation for her to join us if time allows.

My Boys have been asking me on the phone when will be the next time we'd see each other again. So this is going to be fun. Can't wait. Still DB'ing. Pull back...pull back...stay loving...friendly...no mindreading...No freaking out when my W spews venom...Taking care of myself.

JR

[JR09]

Woke up early this SAT morning and went to the gym by 0600. Good workout. I needed to get some frustration/fear/nervousness out of my system. Walked around the PX and the commissary after my workout.

I'm excited about seeing my Boys again next week during their Spring Break. I only have 5 days, but it's going to be fun to just hang out with my sons and listen to them. Haven't seen them since Christmas. I do think of my W daily. I pulled back like Michelle and Carlos counseled me to do. I'm thinking, she probably is too. No D papers in the mail. Hey, that's positive.

I'm focusing all my attention on prepping to see the Boys. Hope is up. Excitement is there. It's great to be alive. I'm not giving up on my W. I have to stay consistent with my changes.

JR

[JR09]

I haven't talked with my W for the past week. Pulling back as advised. My W seems to go through ups and down phases. Happy one day, mean the next. Why can't she just say it's over for good and file D papers again? I don't understand.

I know there may be also a financial piece to it. I don't know. My W has half of our tax returns, a monthly sum of money to support her and the boys (the minimum required by the Army. She has ample money to file again. So why doesn't she do it?

I know I have a lot of questions. I know I need to stop asking and focus more on myself and the boys. I've been doing that lately. But I'm not mad at all at my W. No feeling of resentment, nothing. I love her even more. I still believe she'll turn around. Time heals. Just journaling.

JR

[JR09]

Today is S11's birthday, and I'm here behind a desk, 900 miles away. This really stinks. A downer for me this morning. But I look forward to this weekend when I go on leave to be with the Boys for spring break. I know I'm not the only one who is away from his children, missing important birthdays, school events, sports events, etc...But it still sucks. I'll get over it. Have to. No time to display emotions here in the Army...

JR

[MichelleLT]

She doesn't because you have been married a long time. She's insecure about being out of the M, on her own. She likes the perks of being M. She loved you, probably still does very much.

She convinced herself she had to leave, and she did. But she hasn't broken all the ties yet.

She's comfortable where things are right now. She gets to watch from a distance while still having the money and support of the M. Who wouldn't like that? LOL

No D papers in the mail is a good thing. Even if you get them though, it's not the end of the world, of the end of the M. You survived that once before.

Be consistent. Be kind and loving. Be a good father. And be patient.

You are lucky that you are not dealing with some crazy MLC spouse in a torrid affair. In some ways, that makes is so much easier.

In other ways it is harder because you have to be more consistent and more patient in order to turn things around (at least in my opinion ).

What are you doing for his birthday? I assume you'll call, send an e-card or some such? It'll be more fun in person of course.

[JR09]

Michelle!

So good to hear from you. Yesterday was S11's birthday. I tried to call several times but I think the boys turned the phone off by mistake. I just emailed S11 as well as my W to tell her I DID call to wish him a happy birthday.

S11 is my sensitive son. he knows what's going on but doesn't voice it. He doesn't say much over the phone probably because he's biting his tongue, and also because if he speaks his mind, he'll cry. Anyway, I love my boys so much.

What you said about my W is probably very accurate. I hope you are right about her still loving me. Sometimes I wonder. It's been 22 months since she left. Time stopped when she left. Like you said: consistency, loving, patience. That's the key for me.

I learned a great deal about being patient, that's for sure. Now, I am sensitive to how couples talk to each other. Sometimes I'd like to chime in and tell one or the other that it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. 22 months and a lot of combat stress therapy have changed me immensely. If only my W could see the new me, or even experience the new me. If only...

I hope this finds you well too Michelle. I sure appreciate the time you spend "watching over me". I pray you also have battle buddies who give you life the same way you give me life when I'm down in the pits. I'm sure you have true battle buddies on this board. THANKS AGAIN. Army Strong.

JR

[MichelleLT]

She gets glimpses of the new you.

No matter what happens you will be fine.

Life is good.

Just enjoy it.



I do have some great battle buddies. A few on this board, one guy in my unit (whom I've known since college, his kids being born, and his divorce, and acts a lot like my little brother even though he's older than me LOL), and a couple very good girlfriends. It definitely helps.

[JR09]

She likes the perks of being M...She's comfortable where things are right now. She gets to watch from a distance while still having the money and support of the M. Who wouldn't like that?

Michelle: So what shall I do? Do I need to be firmer, stricter and limit her access to any financial support? Any money restriction will inevitably affect the Boys as well one way or another. And I don't want that. Our Boys haven't done anything. I read on this board a lot of LBS who cut all financial support to send a message to the "cake eater". They say it's setting firm boundaries. It's all about boundaries I guess. What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change?

I haven't closed the joint checking account. I opened up another checking account for me and only deposit a set amount of money in the joint account for my W's use. It's the equivalent of my BAH. It's still a good chunk of money as long as my W doesn't spend out of control(which she doesn't).

Anyway. What's your take on my "boundaries"? Are they good boundaries? Too soft? Too harsh? What's your guidance?

JR

[MichelleLT]

The tough love, stop the cake eating, etc. is more of a mid-life crisis issue. Something you do with a spouse who is out of control, spending, drinking, having affairs. Your W is not. You are giving her your BAH and she is being responsible with it from what I can tell.

Boundaries are not about being harsh or mean. They are about respect. You might find this interesting reading.

I don't necessarily think you have done anything wrong. You have consciously made 180s for yourself, you are living healthier and better, you are being a better (albeit long-distance) father and (to the extent allowed) husband.

You shook things up by having that conversation with her. I don't think you need to shake things up more right now, since almost anything will be perceived as pressure and make her move further away from you.

It's a boundary issue with you. Are you willing to let things be for a while? Do you really feel like she's cake-eating and taking advantage of you?