8 weeks until D Day!!

[goldfiber]

Lea, I am so sorry for you that things have taken a turn for ugly. I don't understand your H. He wants the D, so he says, but he doesn't want to go through the steps to get there unless things are done his way, which he should realize all will not go his way.

I would suggest you say to him that if you two can not negotiate in good faith, then you will turn the whole process over to L going completely dark on him. This is too painful for you to continue handling this the way you have so far. Do not roll over for him and allow him to dictate the process.

He seems a little angry. Could it be that he has decided to keep OW away from sons?

[lea74]

Apologies in advance for a long post. So after the response from H’s email he sent a text saying that I shouldn’t buy him a birthday gift, it had been sorted. I knew what this meant as my sons told me that OW had taken them shopping a book him a book from them. Of course, this really upset me as this is so inappropriate and spiteful.

I responded (paraphrasing) : Any gifts for you from my sons will be bought by me with them. This is still confusing for them and unfair to put them in that position. We need to do what is best for the boys.

H: Total rubbish.

H: You didn’t mind taking the mothers day gifts from them that she bought for you.
(I had my suspicions about this, but didn’t want to upset me sons so took them and we all ate the chocolates. I didn’t respond to H’s texts)

H: They made you the lovely mothers day cards with all of OW stuf......

I could see this was a dig so I responded:

Thanks very much they are lovely.

H: It took you long enough to say thank you.

Me: Please leave me alone. I am having a lovely day spending it with my sons.

H: With pleasure, they are OUR sons................

Oh the war of words!!!

[goldfiber]

Please, for you sake, stop the texting and conversations with him about anything near R issues. He is winning every time and it only makes you feel worse. If it were not for the R.O. in place between me and W, I would be doing the same thing you are doing, with the same lack of success. I don't if the WAS intentionally wants to inflict pain, but most of what they say relating the M is negative and painful. You must detach from this pain interactions.

There is nothing you can say that will have any impact on him right now. So don't waste your time. Turn things over to L, tell him/her you do not want divorce, so proceed as slow as possible. Secondly, why not allow MIL to be point of contact between you two, so that you can shut down ALL communication with him, until you are strong enough to deal with it. Right now you are not prepared to engage him in any conversations.

This will not be easy because you love your H so much and the spirit of rejection is motivating you to try and fix this yourself. LET GO Lea, hold onto just a little love for your H for when things turn around, but not too much that will drive you crazy.I continue to beleive that if you detach and mean it, this will start to turn around.

[lea74]

Thanks G - you are right. After I sent the last text I asked myself why I responded. I was really dissappointed in myself as I knew that yet again I had taken the bait!! I gave myself a good talking to.

The text that I received where her pointed out that my kids had made my cards with HER was really hurtful and in some ways is a good motiviation to stay detached. Next time I feel like giving in I will try to remember this - I know he said it on purpose to hurt me.

[flowmom]

Lea, I hope that you can get some IC. At times I have been able to get it at very low cost. Please look into options into this area. We can use all the support we can get here! It feels good to have an IRL person who you can say anything to and they're in YOUR corner.

I can see how your past is contributing to your current pain around being abandoned. This is an opportunity for us to heal some of that past stuff and become more whole...as painful as our sitches are. This would be a good thing to talk to an IC about.

A huge trigger for you is the OW's R with your sons. I TOTALLY GET this, and I'll be exactly where you are soon, most likely. But I think that this is something you have to ACCEPT. This is outside of your area of control and you are torturing yourself trying to control it. No one can take away your role as a mother. And to be the best mother you can be, you can't afford to waste your energy trying to control how things go with your sons and your H. Instead, plan fun activities to do with your sons and think about how to make this time grounding and peaceful for them.

Please let the L deal with all financial/legal stuff. And go dark except for coparenting (which does not include talking about contact between OW and your sons -- you can't win that battle).

(((Lea)))

[lea74]

Hi Flo, thanks for the input. I know it is something that I have accept, but am just not there yet. What I can choose to do is how I deal with it. So will try to not waste anymore energy on it and make sure that my children are okay. Generally the only time I step in is when my kids show some confusion e.g. over the birthday gift.

My L will be dealing with all things legal, as my H is just no co-operating and his idea of negotiation is do it my way or else.

As for co-parenting unfortunately other than logistics e.g pick up etc, that is not happening. My and I have different ideas about parenting and also he believes my kids are fine and are doing great. Unfortunately he is living in a guilt created fantasty that we are all okay. My S10 is constantly in trouble at school and as I do the pickups etc, am the only one the know. I have tried to talk to my H but he tells me I am lying and that they are fine.

He has this fantasy where I will welcome her as my new best friend into my life and we will all live together like a big blended family. NOT!!!

[lea74]

Hi G, regarding the speed of the D I cant control that at all. The first part will be read in court on the 29.03 and then my H can apply for the final decree 6 weeks and 4 days later as he is the one that filed. Unfortunately I didnt realise all of this when he filed. It still doesnt change the fact though that I wouldnt have filed for D. It is ridiculous that he was able to write some lies on a piece of paper submit it to court and some man in a wig gets to decide my family is over. He doesnt even know me.

In the UK, the D can be finalised without the child and financial arrangments being finalised. So you can be D and then still have to make all the finacial arrangment. I find this realy hard as it would be nice that once the final decree goes through you can get on with your life.

[flowmom]

I know Lea, my H doesn't want to admit that the children are being affected either. Too much guilt to handle. I hope that things settle down and you can coparent. I think that dropping the OW issue might help with that.

[lea74]

My S7 made an interesting comment this am. He said that after the D was over he would like me to get a BF. I asked why and he said because he wants a Dad at home. Almost broke my heart. He then added: Any man would be lucky to have you. (Bless him: kids!!)

[flowmom]

Lea, I think a good response would be "your father will always be your father, but I know you're missing having him at home". And maybe cultivate some male family friends to do "guy" stuff with your S7 if he's missing that energy.