WAW appeared about mid January - was trying to DB from then until about a week ago (BOMB), so i have been mentaly and physically at this for a couple of months now.
The thing i find hard is she is trying to be open with me, but in my eyes she needs to be doing more, especially the saying sorry thing....and i have told her that. her response is that she is afraid i will go back to the way i was, and that she has seen hints of it showing through so can't let her guard down.
her doing this does upset me - which is what the old me would do, pout and crap like that....but i am trying not to do that as well. just been punched so many times lately that i need something to show me she is committed to workign with me.
kind of sounds like the chicken and the egg pardox doesn't it...lol
OK, you need to tell your wife the following :
1. Finding out another man has been MOUNTING your WIFE is NOT something you recover from OVERNIGHT - I am gonig to be ALL OVER THE PLACE for at LEAST THREE MONTHS
2. My pouting and being distant NOW has a LOT do to with the fact that ANOTHER MAN has beeen MOUNTING my WIFE - do NOT expect me to be doing any handsprings anytime soon, this does NOT make me an A$$... it makes me a BETRAYED HUSBAND my dear.
3. I love you and I AM an adult, so I am working on this, but the recovery process takes a LOT LONGER than a WEEK.. someone has VIOLATED my MARRIAGE and my WIFE - I NEED to PROCESS THAT.
4. Do NOT jump to conclusions about what I am feeling and take it personally or think that I am "just an a$$". Until I have had time to process this mess you need to give me the benefit of the doubt.. I can always refuse to trust YOU TOO and think YOU will never change, but I WANT to trust you again... but that is NOT going to happen overnight.
And yes you guys are in a trust standoff. There are things you both can do.
1. Leave all your phones and computers open, do NOT password stuff. I know you weren't lying to her, but it DOES improve trust if she has complete transparency from you as well.. and her issues ARE about trust.
2. Talk to her to let her know how you feel. Even if you feel lousy, tell her "I Feel hurt and scared". You don't need to do more if you can't offer more than that, but say SOMETHING so she can take a temperature of where the relationship is at. It will get better but you need to help her get in there at least a little so she can have some hope.
3. Find a good FT that deals with infidelity as an addiction.
4. Write to her if you can't talk.
5. Do some improvements on the home. Putting effort into the home to make it more livable does a LOT for trust and morale in your home. If you put time into the home, it usually gives your spouse the feeling you plan on staying there for a while...
