So, I confronted her about the emotional affair. Told her that she needed to stop contacting the OM. She said she would. Last night, her phone was next to my work phone. I heard a phone type noise and went to check. It was not my phone, but hers. I looked at it, and it was a text from the OM. I asked her about stopping contact and she said that she was trying to do that when she texted him, and he didn't reply until later in the day.
Here's where the story changes. After that she admitted that the affair had become physical. She went to see him twice while she was visiting her home town, and well, you know what happened. She is still telling me that she wants to work on our marriage. I don't know what to do. I was finally beginning to deal with the emotional affair, and then she drops this bomb.
Going to look for a therapist today. I don't think I can do this. I don't want to divorce her, but I am not sure I can continue. The EA was one thing, but the physical part I'm not sure I can forget. I know I can forgive, but how can I live with the memory of it happening?
Any help is appreciated. Thanks to everyone for their help so far.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
OK, when you told her to not contact him again, unfortnatley a few things happened
1. The means of ending contact was left open 2. She's addicted so she took advantage of that
This isnt' easy for her to do Wedge, we can't just ask her to stop and expect that to happen.
That's what the transparency is for.
If your wife makes a commitment to stopping but she won't do the following :
1. Remove any passwords on her phone 2. OPen up all telephone usage records 3. Allow you to look at the phone when you feel panic 4. Share her PC with you when you feel panic
She's still cheating and she's still hiding it.
If your wife won't be transparent with you, there's a REASON for it...
THOSE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING
Finding out about a pa is a VERY rough time I know, it took me two weeks to wrestle through it until reality sunk in and I started to realize it is HORRIBLY painful, but sex isn't why I mada commitment to my wife, so it shouln't be the reason I end that commitment.
You do need to understand that addictions are VERY hard to end and this guy is MANIPULATING HER BIGTIME
She needs you to protect her from that, not to go crazy on her.. this is a very important time, do not bail.
You can do this, you just can't see it right now... A healthier persepective takes time to take shape... you will be proud that you fought this thing.
You can't leave this open ended and in her hands. This is an addiction.. you NEED to grasp that concept. She cannot stop this on her own.
1. She has to be willing to share all communication info with you at all times 2. NO more secrets 3. No more contact with OM - either way 4. Change her cell number 5. Change her email address
THAT is no conact, you cannot just ask her to stop contacting him and leave it with her.
It needs to be CLEAR what the boundary is there, and it needs YOU to follow up to make sure it is RESPECTED
Note on 3. No contact has to happen both ways.
This means
a. She removes any and all means of contacting him - erase all email, all phone book listings in her cell, remove all pictures of him from her PC, remove him from facebook accounts, etc. AND she gets NEW internet accounts AFTER she has removed him from them. She also shares ALL PASSWORDS with you for both the old and the new accounts.
b. She sends ONE EMAIL to him from YOUR account with BOTH your names on it written as a couple :
"WE do not want ANY FURHTER contact with you, yada yada..."
Signed at the bottom with BOTH your names
That letter must be HARD AND CLEAR to him... no I love you but.. or any of that crap
I am sure some people here can give you some samples of no contact letters.
If your wife has issues with the boundaries above, then you have to fight harder. Get her a good Family Therapist that deals with infidelity AS AN ADDICTION etc
No contact is NOT something she has a DISCUSSION about with him... she gives YOU her cell phone until you two do the work to get a new cell or a new phone number.
My wife did this too, I was ignorant at the time and left it in her hands. She was trying to explain to him WHY she CAN'T contact him anymroe... its just an excuse to continue the addiction...
Tell her if he has ANY questions as to why he can call YOU. Don't worry, he won't.
NO MORE CONTACT, and the ONLY note sent out is an email from both of you formally telling him to STEER CLEAR
Your wife has to respect these boundaries and you need to monitor them to make sure she is fighting to do just that. Addictions are very hard to break, AND I think you said this guy is single, so he has all the TIME in the WORLD to keep this up... if he was married you would be in a much better position, but since he's NOT, you really need to get on top of this.
OH, and since we are helping a lot of people here it might help for you to update your signature similar to the way others do. Provide a brief summary of the history of your marriage and a timeline of the infidelity.
We do remember each post, but it helps save us time of gonig back through the theads to get caught up.
