WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[gutwrenching]

Well, its time for an update. I owe so many so much that it is time to report PROGRESS. I have been away for a while because of my travels and just needing a break. My world has been going at 100 miles an hour, but I owe two very special DBers a debt of gratitude for keeping me afloat on the alt during trying times when internet connections were hard to come by

As with all roller coasters, the full story is long, but I've been riding an uphill ride on the coaster for almost two weeks now and it feels good.

The short notice trip was physically tiring but in terms of our R, it ended up being a good thing. Also during the trip, the job crisis hit new levels, so two major events at one time.

During the trip, communication between W and I increased immensely. We talked and e-mailed and Skype'd more than I can remember in so long. W made sure to switch our iphone plan to international, which was key to keeping the communication rolling.

The last time we were apart, conversations lasted no more than 2 minutes before W was hanging up. This time around, 50 minute plus conversations became the norm. Multiple e-mails every day to fill in the spaces when we weren't able to talk. All positive vibes, no R talks, no future talks, but good old fashioned just sharing what was going on in our lives and the kids.

We hit another key obstacle during the trip...I did NOT get the job in Hawaii. It becomes official, and W verbalizes GUILT for it not happening. A week after telling me she will not live with me if we go to Hawaii, and even hints she might not move there, she is now upset that we aren't going there and tells me it is all her fault and she is upset that she blew our chance to live in Hawaii! Difficult to explain why she thinks it is her fault, but really it kind of is. I didn't tell her it wasn't, because her actions had a lot to do with it not happening and for the first time she was dealing with the consequences of her actions and I had finally learned not to try to fix it...let her deal with it.
DB was at the core of it with outstanding support and advice from some vets.

Get home from 10 day trip and although a bit worried, things continue on uphill swing. Fog seems to be almost completely gone, wall not as high or strong, body language all positive, communication continues, and I slightly increase the physical interaction. Initiate a couple of hugs here and there and do not meet resistance.

Next major hurdle is her trip to see her dad. She left last night. Again, nothing but positive signs (actions not words) leading up to this and thru the packing that night. W is running late getting to the airport, but I help her get things together and out of the house. I decide late or not, I am not going to let her go without a goodbye hug (especially after what happened when I left). She comes up to me and seems to be coming in for a hug, when I get the shock of the year, she comes right in and gives me a small KISS (on the lips)...she initiated! First affection/physical interaction she has initiated since the small crisis of the suicide for those that remember that from my original thread...that was in the first week of Jan. The kiss was followed by a long, tight hug. Then GW sneaks in a second small kiss as we end the embrace.

GW is on cloud 9 and hasn't come off that cloud yet. Today was more positive. Multiple texts from her, an e-mail, and multiple phone calls. She was the one calling every time, not me. She was the first one to start texting every time, not me.

We are talking more now, both when at home and when one of us is gone, than we were for months before the bomb was dropped. I certainly won't call this piecing. No verbalization from her that she wants to try or is trying, but actions speak louder than words, and actions tell me she is at least testing the waters. She is initiating communication, she is friendly, upbeat, happy, pleasant. Just both of us being happy helps things immensely. No coldness, and NO ANGER. For those that remember all of the outbursts from previous thread, I haven't seen any anger in probably a month. She still hits her bad moods, but she is dealing with them and obviously trying hard not to take it out on me.

Her trip is probably another crucial time. She will have lots of time to think about things. The last two and half days, she is on her own without family, just vacationing at the beach.

And I did a GAL today...first day she was gone. Invited a male friend over for pizza, beer, and basketball games. When you live in a house with no other males, that is a nice change!