I know you are feeling better every minute with a few backsteps here and there.
I had to get a new laptop. I strongly suspected H had a keylogger going in my old one. On a few occasions he mentioned things I had only typed. Paranoid, I know. I guess he can read my posts here now as well, but it had me creeped out. I don't believe he cares anymore.
Anyway, my Plan S.
Early Nov 09, after DBing forever (a year), going off track every week or so, I was getting nowhere. H had returned July 1 but I gradually realized he was still seeing OW. The Nov realization was that he was trying to leave me not get over her. I let that devastation eat away at me, sending my mind into a swirl of comments he had said to me over the last year. "The house is a wreck ...Bad housewife(not true but not always perfectly tidy) The kids are awful kids Bad Mother(not but a pain in the butt sometimes-they're kids!)I don't do anything for him Bad wife(duh- he'd been a mean, hostile, SOB for a couple of years!) and on and on. I believed these things and convinced myself? or allowed him to convince me? Everyone would be better off without me. I have a big life insurance policy so $ probs would be solved too. I was doing a good thing for my family. I got the house, bills, my junk etc all in order to ease the transition. I told him one morning in early Dec., I was leaving. He asked me to stay. He asked if he could "combine". (He has brought up moving her in many times). I left to drive my car over a cliff.(Lots of cliffs around, people drive over the edges all the time.) My friend R, called minutes after I left home, to ask me for lunch. She must have sensed something but I felt like I was being perfectly normal, oddly at peace, but normal. She told me anecdotes about her mom. Her mom was an addict who died when she was young. She talked about how hard it was to have a crazy mom, but it was much harder than no mom at all. FOiled! So, I did what you are doing and spent a week with another friend, went home, recommitted to DBing, did Christmas, and then H left the day after "because everyone was in so much pain" .
Lots of work with thought stopping since. It is so easy now to have that switch flipped, turning on all the awful things he has said to me. I do not believe those things. I do not believe HE believed those things...they were justifications for his horrible behavior. Going dark has saved me from that chaos.
Bad mom better than no mom.
Now, I am stronger than ever. Still have lots of "moments" but whatever happens in my love life, I will be here for my kids.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
