My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

awest I know what you are saying. really I do and I have been living my life for the most part and having a pretty good time of it. I have an amazing friend who is so supportive and just listens to me and passes no judgement. I also have a great job and I am more thankful for it now than ever. I will be fine and survive with or without the H.

Interesting though the husband just texted me that he signed up for a couple of tests. I think this is great, and I am glad he is doing this. However, just last week though he didn't care to share anything with me. So strange the roller coaster that he is on. For the record I haven't responded to him.

Lolawar maybe you are right there is something in the air.

[lolawar]

It is great to have those friends around. My friends have stood by me from day 1 which was great...and they have also come to understand and appreciate why I haven't filed yet. At first I got alot of "leave that b*stard".."drop that negative energy"..etc etc. When you are angry..hearing these things are fine. But when you aren't angry..they aren't the things that you need to hear.

Although I believe my friends have come to understand my position...until you are in the same situation...you cannot truly understand. They just respect me as a person and trust my judgement I guess. That is what is so great about this site...you are surrounded by people that have walked a mile in your shoes..we all have similar stories and it makes you feel less alone and it provides you with a place to express your thoughts and concerns. Journalling with benefits- you get advice in return.

Make the most of this time apart and really get yourself to a position where you will be OK no matter what happens.

[Butterfly1]

The key is for you to get out of the high school world that H is trying to put you in. Don't play the blame game or anything else. Just live your life. If he wants to join you, he will. If he doesn't you will be in a better place anyway. You talking to him is not going to make him want to change. He has to do that on his own.

This is SO TRUE.

Once you get off the rollercoaster and start acting maturely, they will test you even more, act even more immature.

So take his complaints to heart and keep trying. It may take months for him to turn around. BUt if you stop blaming and try to listen and validate and change yourself, then he will either match you or stay juvenile. But the change starts with you. Try being more emotionally communicative - in a mature way. Try reading some marital communication tips and keep trying. And don't get baited by his immaturity. Let him run his rampage while you walk away. People always told me it's like a toddler throwing a tantrum. You just walk away and ignore them until they settle down. THEN you try to communicate. If you want to be heard, start by listening.

[nicole8]

So I haven't seen the H in the flesh for two weeks now. This worries me...is it easy for him to stay away? But why did he call me yesterday as if everything was "normal"? Nothing from him today, I'll just have to see how the weekend goes. I just don't know what to do except keep "dark"....as best I can. I am really determined to just do my own thing this weekend and see how the H acts.

I need to be strong, I need to be strong, I need to be strong. Just so tired of this situation.

[mrbt]

Nichole, I know how you feel when you say "Just so tired of this situation." I am laying in bed, its 3:15AM and I cannot sleep. I just counted the months since our problems started - 9 months - that's almost a year - wow. I admire your ability to go dark. Hang in there.

[nicole8]

Ohhh mrbt I feel you on the lack of sleep. I wake up several times a night. Sometimes I am having a nice dream aand then I wake up and realize I am living the nightmare. This sucks.

My h came by today to work in the yard and he was in quite a mood. He said a few nice things to me, but mostly he was irritable and everything I did was wrong.

[nicole8]

I just don't know what to do. The H came by today and he is just so distant, moody and irritable. Pretty much everything and anything I do is wrong or will be wrong. I don't know what to do. We were washing cars and I was so annoyed with him that I felt like getting in the car with soap on it still and just driving off as fast as I could. He will say something nice one second but then the next he has an outburst of something rude and mean. It is so disrespectful and I have let him do it for far to long now. I don't know what to do except tell him that he is being mean to me and I don't think there is a need for it. I actually really think he has no clue how he is treating me.

I read in a book about depression that a depressed person gets a "high" of sorts from anger. Something about a chemical that is released in the brain. It made alot of sense when I read it but I can't remember much more of it, I should read this again. I just want to know why he only does his anger outburst to me? Well, and his Mom too. I've seen it before many times. She does the same thing as me and just acts like she doesn't know what to do. But, why can he function and be so pleasant and fun around everyone else on the planet but ME? No wonder he thinks he would be happier if he was divorced.

I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't talk to him about our relationship, but that has always been his major complaint. That I don't talk about our relationship. But how can I have any sort of a serious relationship talk with him when I feel so far from him emotionally. He has seriously built up this wall around himself, brick by brick. I feel like any sort of "talk" with the OW in the picture is just going to be fruitless. I will be blamed for everything.

I think I need to back off for awhile and just let him be....but what is he thinking? What is he planning for our M? Does he really plan to file for D? Who knows and at this point, I am not sure I really care. Actually, I do really care but I am so lost and hopeless at this point.

[Butterfly1]

Too early to tell - usually for a number of months the WAS is angry irritable unpredictable. Best bet is to ignore it. Walk away and don't put yourself through it. Once he calms down in a few months you'll be able to get through to him with your questions but certainly not right now!

[rr22]

H4L is right. He is acting out around you and his Mom because he considers you two "safe" to act out around and he wears the mask in public and at work. He is showing you his real emotions and self right now. Do you have or are you able to get a counselor to get some support for yourself during this time. You can choose to only be around him when he is able to control himself somewhat with the anger outbursts. You have to be pleasant and act like Mother Teresa and upbeat and then remove yourself from the situation when he starts being too unreasonable. If he wants to talk about R, tell him let's schedule a time when we are both in a good mood and you are happy to. You just aren't going to discuss it when he is pitching fits.

[awest1217]

The two above comments are wonderful. I think it would really help you to keep seeing the C. It will help you to work through your emotions. Don't worry about the M right now in C, but make sure you talk about your feelings and how to deal with him when he has outbursts so you don't take it personally and it bring you down. Really take this time to work on you.