Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

Kathleen,

I call bullshit on the remark. It sounds great, the inner child struggle, the adult taking control. A triumph. But only works because you're still here.

Thank you for a very concerned response and for our talk today. I understand and appreciate your points and value our nascent friendship more than you know, more than I've told you. And I feel bad having upset you.
As I've mentioned, I became acquainted with and interested in the entire inner child concept since being introduced to John Bradshaw's work in the early 80's. He was a pioneer in concepts that are now mainstream. The bullshit is your right to call and I appreciate the bluntness.

But only works because you're still here.

That's exactly right, in my view. It was the only night like that that I've ever experienced in my life and in retrospect, I value having gone through what I did that night and where and how I wound up in the end.

I'm really glad you made it through that difficult time. I've had that experience where the pain of living almost trumped the joy, love and responsibility of parenting, being there for myself, family and friends. To be honest, I am angry and hurt to the core to your approach to this. And it's really not my place to harangue. Aside from our friendship, it triggers something within my own experience.

I didn't know you've had a similar experience. When? What was your approach?

So, Bill. Bullshit.

Okay. Got it the first time.

If alcohol is involved, even worse.

I don't drink alcohol.

Suicide happens, near suicide happens because the individual doesn't have the skills, the tools to deal with the emotional crisis. Or the support, or knowing there's support, the right support to survive, recover and deal with agony and issues.

I understand. I found I possessed skills and tools I wasn't aware of during that hellish experience.

I'd toss that counselor who's an hour or so away and find someone closer who doesn't reaffirm what you want to hear. And if the 'natural' path isn't working, opt for the pharmaceutical. I know I'd rather not be regulated by prescription drugs.. but they do their job. And it works because I'm doing the other work.. learning how to be healthy, how to have boundaries, how to live and forgive myself.

Not to worry: like I said this afternoon I am switching counselors for several reasons, not the least of which is the one you mention. I was still on meds at that point, and no longer am and am doing fine.

Get the skills, not the jargon, to deal with the issues.

I hope I misunderstand you here: I am working - and have been working - hard, like we all have or are still. I've made real progress. Am I done? No. Do I have more to work on, to deal with and come to terms with? Oh, yes, you betcha.
Am I just spouting jargon? No, I am not.

Drop the romantic notion that you had 16 years of the best life had to offer. It was great. It broke. It didn't get fixed.

It's not a notion. I lived it. It was great. It clearly did break, but I didn't know it; I wasn't told. That's why it's called the (unexpected) Bomb.

You're so much further along in this process than I am, Kathleen, and as such, you've generously shared with me a lot of valuable insights, perspectives, common sense and acceptance. These have helped me, to be sure. But I still hurt. I don't know how one drops hurt. So I keep working, and falling back and moving forward, and falling down and getting up. In the real world, my real world. Not in the clouds.

My bottom line for this post after already having talked to you today is

To be honest, I am angry and hurt to the core to your approach to this. And it's really not my place to harangue. Aside from our friendship, it triggers something within my own experience.

to assure you that I regret -and would never - knowingly or purposefully anger you or hurt you to the core my friend. Perhaps I shared too much. And, besides: from what you've told me about Radical Forgiveness, don't you owe me an apology for angering you and hurting you to the core?

Thank you, (((Kathleen))).