Blimey missus you have come on leaps and bounds, funny how it goes pearshaped for a huge chunk then suddenly bouncing further forward than you ever dreamed it would.
Dinner is a biggy you have been let back in, I felt like that when H announced to my family he was coming home!
Maybe this ODP has to be shared around, I havent got all of mine cos youve been borrowing a bit and look what results you have got, and when you dont need it so much you can send it forwards to the person who does lol!
Well keep at it kiddo, youre doing fantastic!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
PS one more positive - H asked if I wanted to make Passover dinner here for his side of the family. He comes from East Coast Jews, so this is the big holiday. Last couple of years, my MIL made the passover dinner.
I agree with GNO TOTALLY. I will also say TOLD YOU SO when I suggested you get interested in online games or whatever he is. LOL.
Most importantly, THAT DINNER THING IS HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE What is the date of this event?
LR - LEt's not get ahead of ourselves- he is NOT announcing he's coming home! THat would be so great. HIs family knows we are separated. BUt it does feel different in that the big holiday stuff has been at his mom's and only once did she come here to visit us all. Usually we meet somewhere else when it's time for a grandma visit
And on the pessimistic side, his mom has been complaining for years that we don't hold passover at our house - this could be H just placating mom - and asking ME TO DO IT FOR HIM.
It is good in my new idea of meeting H's LL's and needs from prebomb. He had often complained we didn't share enough like we didn't have his friends over, he didn't think I liked his family, etc. So he's giving me a chance to do it differently, I think.
I'm sending some ODP your way, Rabbit, you need a big dose of it. So here it comes.....................feel better now?
RR - Passover starts in about ten days. Usually we have the big dinner (Seder) on the first night or two. That's monday or tuesday which works great for me as Weekends are not my time off. I have a job, rehearsals, and S5 full time. Monday I get some daytime hours off while S is in preschool. Good time to cook and clean.
And yes, you did tell me so and I didn't believe you. I didn't believe Gno at first either. He had to work very hard to convince me. I protested. But you two were right - thank you !!!!
RW - I hope I can offer inspiration as I have had a year of not doing well at all! I feel good when I can help others as much as I've been helped by all you wonderful people!
Latest - This morning H asked me to make him coffee. Ok, I did. Then he started complaining - I got him up too early, the carpets have stains, the kitchen is gross, S wasn't ready for school ontime....
Anyone who has read my first thread knows I used to get this kind of venting and complaints NONSTOP. H has been controlling himself and looking at how critical he can be. I also have worked on not taking it personally like "I'm a screw up". So I told myself, hey, it's Friday, he's exhausted, we've had an emotional week that we've tried to get through with patience and kindness, the guy is allowed a little venting. I still walked away LOL
I said what MC said to say: "I hear you but that's enough complaining." then I just tried to tune him out. He doesn't think he's dumping on me but it feels that way so I had to walk away to keep centered.
It wasn't pleasant, but we dealt with it without an argument. This simple example could have blown up so easily with either him continuing to criticize, complain, raise his voice, and/or me asking him (or as he sees it - "demanding")to speak to me nicer, defend myself, get upset at how he's being so tense around S.
MC says it's not in what you are talking about , it's how you talk. I couldn't agree more. I think we remained relatively calm.
Whew. Can't believe on this horrible anniversary week we are actually making so much progress!
Maybe he's looking around the house and pre-worrying about what his family will see when they get there. Like we should have been sprucing this place up instead of fighting all year if my folks were coming over. I'm joking, but serious.
I think it is easy to take things personally when our H's are expressing stress about something else. If your H has some stress/anxiety about family visiting, he may be expressing it that way... which really has nothing to do with you.
Nope gals - hank you so much and I'm sure it seems that way but this is an issue from waaaaaaaay back. When he gets upset he nitpicks about the house. Almost religiously about the f*!%ing wall to wall carpet that he INSISTED on when we bought the house!
H4L, it sounds like you're doing well with breaking the cycle of arguing and provocation!
In recent years H has made some really cutting remarks about our home...I remember every single one and they really hurt because 1. he didn't care for our home and 2. it was OUR home. I feel upset just thinking about it. I wonder if you could respond with "so what's the solution?" when he gets onto complaining?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H4L- well, I can't reall ALL the pages of your thread- there are just too many- but I have the gist of your situation. And may I say that what might seem like little changes to you seem like BIG ones to me. It sounds as if you've worked your butt off for a very long time now (it probably feels even longer to you) and while you may not be out of the woods, you are making progress. The fact that he's willing to go to therapy with you, let alone listen, is very very good. I wish mine would do the same. And personally, I think the Passover thing is significant. That's a big holiday and to host it as a family, even if it doesn't "mean" anything more than you are just having a dinner together as a family, could turn out to be a good experience just in and of itself - like you said, bonding time, etc. To me, any experience where you act and feel like a family more or less seems very important. It reminds them what it feels like and what they might lose, IMO.
Btw, I think you and I have more in common than our location- I'm picking up that you do community theatre- so do I! Of course, my H is so irritable about childcare every evenings- you know the rehearsal schedules- that I haven't done one since D was born 3 years ago. I did get a part in a cool play in Sept, but then our house burned down and I had to drop out, unfortunately. I'm missing acting, but things feel a little fragile now with H and childcare expectations (one of you, can't remember who, advised me to not expect much in that area from H, so I'm not), so it doesn't feel like the best time to do a play. Maybe in a few months- though this is one of my fears of being single too- how will I ever do a play again??? But I'm getting ahead of myself.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
