So here I am. Legal note. I am in Canada and the area I am located in I am legally separated. Which under our laws allows me to live right up to common in-law. But to get married I would have to file for D or have ladybug file for D. As it costs quite a bit of money and I did not ask for it, nor am I getting married in the next little while.... I will stay like this as it is the same under the law for protection.
For those who do not know me. I am one of the betrayed. Work place affair that came on quickly due to promotions and travel to get new clients. 4 week EA and 2 week PA and then the ILYBDLY. Bomb was two days later. Add in a busted knee and some depression. Turning 39 was tough and feeling like a part time husband. Perfect storm. And what happened is in detail in the above threads.
I did a Plan A for a few weeks until I could no longer handle the cake eatting. During the cake eating days I seperated finances kicked her out of the bed and gathered intel and exposed the affair. I kept to the high road and then showed tough love. I am proud of everything I did to save my marriage. But it did not happen. Nor do I wish to get back together with ladybug. She was the love of my life for most of those years. I am not bitter nor angry. What happened happened. I lost respect for ladybug and her actions and lack of remorse or even a simple Sorry. I kept my vows and thought for my marriage right to the end. But then the great race was over.
I no longer had it in me to continue the fight. I realized that I did not hate her. And that I never want to hate her. For If I did it would make the 15 years we were together a waste. I realized that I could never trust her again. So I decided that I would not get back together ever. For if we did and it happened again. I would become bitter. So I move on. I can stand beside ladybug at a funeral and a jack n jill. Next is a wedding. And then that is that. I worked on myself and I continue to work on myself. I am finally becoming a man at the age 39. About time. I have grown up so much emotionally over the last year and discovered an inner strength that I never knew I had. I applied DB to all my relationships and watched them strengthen. I retaught myself the ability to listen. I found my balls. And I even started to run. Legs be damned. And within 6 months of running I ran my first half marathon. Crossing that finish line I had tears in my eyes and my nephew ( on ladybugs side ) was there to great me. It was the proudest moment of my life. I then proceeded to share the moment with those I love unconditionally.
Unconditional love. I discovered that again. I thought it was taken from me. Along with my innocence. But it was not. I freely give my unconditional love to my friends and those I love. At first it was scary , but now I have over come that fear. And I am no longer afraid of the paths my life will take.
I am 39 turning 40 soon. No children. Caught the running bug and love to train. I constantly work on my friendships. I proudly busted a friends affair and was a true friend to their marriage.
I have new dreams now. New goals. A work in progress. Surrounded by people who love me I survived. Now I am at the beginning stages of thriving. Never lost hope.
Through unconditional love I have been given many gifts. Love , trust and acceptance.
Some call me the marshmallow man Which I will admit I am a big softie. And I am proud of it.
I met some people on this board who have become such good friends.
They are my Inukshuks
It has become a symbol of leadership, cooperation and the human spirit. Each stone of an inukshuk is a separate entity but was chosen for how well it fits together with other stones. The stones are secured through balance. Each one supports the one above it and is supported by the one below it. Together, the stones achieve strength through unity. This effect is applied to a philosophy for people where a group can achieve greater success with cooperation and team effort rather than individually. The inukshuk stands for the importance of friendship and reminds us of our dependence on one another.
An "inukshuk" is an Inuit word that literally translated means "stone man that points the way.
....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."-- Albert Camus
Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? Rose Kennedy
If you think sunshine brings you happiness, then you haven't danced in the rain.- unknown
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky. Rabindranath Tagore
There are 4 things you must never do: lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away... Brianne Kelly Darragh
Confusion Is A... Prelude To Clarity ~~Serenity
May the saddest day of your future be no worse, than the happiest day of your past...G. Colgan
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Welcome. I'm glad for your sake you didn't have kids. It makes the break much easier and cleaner. 40 isn't so bad. I'm breaking down a bit physically from all the years of basketball. But I weigh what I did in college. Running keeps you young.
Being a big softie is a good thing. Someone will love and want to get to the gooie center.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Things have been going wrong long enough to know Everything is right. Been walking in the dark long enough to know I've finally seen the light. Been losing long enough to know When I've finally won.
Even the blind man can tell When he's walking in the sun.
Cried enough tears to know This feeling called a smile And I've been bought and run long enough to know When I do it in style. I've been run long enough to know There's no more need to run.
Even the blind man can tell When he's walking in the sun.
Now the wind is at my back And I'm sailing on a ship that's all i do. Well I've blown so many chances that i Ain't gonna blow this chance with you And I've seen enough bad times to know The good times have begun yeah.
Even the blind man can tell When he's walking in the sun Walking in the sun.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
We know a place where no planes go We know a place where no ships go
(Hey!) No cars go (Hey!) No cars go Where we know
We know a place no space ships go We know a place where no subs go
(Hey!) No cars go (Hey!) No cars go Where we know
(Hey!) (Hey!) (Mom, Dad!) (No go!)
(Hey!) Us kids know (Hey!) No cars go Where we know
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream Between the click of the light and the start of the dream Between the click of the light and the start of the dream Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
That is where I am now. Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
I believe in me. Inner Strength. Unconditional love.
And a huge thanks to my friends at DB and in the real world. Especially the ones who crossed over to both worlds.
And to those I meet down the road.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I love the Arcade Fire so much.... One more song Rebellion
Sleeping is giving in, no matter what the time is. Sleeping is giving in, so lift those heavy eyelids.
People say that you'll die faster than without water. But we know it's just a lie, scare your son, scare your daughter.
People say that your dreams are the only things that save ya. Come on baby in our dreams, we can live on misbehavior.
Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Every time you close your eyes Every time you close your eyes Every time you close your eyes
People try and hide the night underneath the covers. People try and hide the light underneath the covers.
Come on hide your lovers underneath the covers come on hide your lovers underneath the covers.
Hidin' from your brothers underneath the covers, come on hide your lovers underneath the covers.
People say that you'll die faster than without water, but we know it's just a lie, scare your son, scare your daughter, Scare your son, scare your daughter. Scare your son, scare your daughter.
Now here's the sun, it's alright! (Lies, lies!) Now here's the moon, it's alright! (Lies, lies!) Now here's the sun, it's alright! (Lies, lies!) Now here's the moon it's alright (Lies, lies!)
Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
- what do you think allows you to let go of ladybug when so many seem to struggle with that in spite of IC and working on themselves?
Last edited by flowmom; 03/20/1012:49 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I Gno that you Gno that I Gno you're alright. Thanks for the heads up on thread relocation. Will be keeping an eye on you, don't Gno why... just doing it out of habit I guess.
- what do you think allows you to let go of ladybug when so many seem to struggle with that in spite of IC and working on themselves?
Always the great questions.
1 ) DB friends
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your friends, instead, focus on them. Never lose your cool! Don't let your friends trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold Offering forgiveness and understanding. Establishing boundaries
The 4 C's and some unconditional love.
2) I grieved the loss of ladybug. I kept to the high road. I can look her parents in the eye and know I did no wrong. I can look in the mirror and know I did no wrong. And I leaned on friends and family for support. I never lost hope in myself. And I thought tooth and nail on bitterness. Plus I think it is just in my nature to forgive the big picture, the small stuff well that depends on what it was. I was honest with myself and opened myself up to those who cared about me. A 180. Getting past your breakup by Susan J. Elliott helped tons as well
But truly. I lost all respect for Ladybug in this journey. Everyone here always says that woman must respect a man to love him. I think that goes both ways. I lost the friendship , I lost the respect. I lost the love. I got myself out of the LBS fog. And looked at our marriage honestly. I was not happy for the last few years. So many sacrifices. I would never have committed adultery. I could have either gave up and tossed away 15 years. I came here to save my marriage. But I ended up saving myself. Being a part time husband for years sucked. The betrayal hurt. But it was the abandonment in my first true time of need that made me realize the woman i loved was not a strong person. I reached out for help as I spun into depression. Turning 39 was hard. She responded by committing adultery and denying intimacy. And if I ever wavered from that I always remembered that on the night of our 10th wedding anniversary she had OM drop her off at our B&B after their "two day business trip" On the bright side its only one day to reclaim. There are some things that no one should ever suffer. I would think that this event would make everyones list. I will never understand how someone could do something so hateful like that. And I loved that woman with all my heart , soul and mind for 15 years. That is what I struggled with. That one moment in time , forever frozen in my memory. I remember everything from it. Smells , sounds , what I saw. That moment in time broke me completely. When I think of it now I choke up and shed some tears. Such a horrible memory to carry to my grave. I still wonder if she ever realizes how deep the scars are on my heart from that action. So thoughtless , so hateful , so full of spite. I have lived it over and over. It is something I will never forgive nor forget forever. But one must fall to stand up. And one must come to peace with the overall marriage.
I am better than that.
Does that kind of answer your question. tears and all. I found it rather hard writing that. But Flow... always will answer your questions. As difficult as they always are.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Which I will admit I am a big softie. And I am proud of it.