flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

Meanwhile I am not doing enough of the activities that I need to be doing: meditation, exercise, paid work, annoying paperwork, expanding my social network, preparing for D. Those activities may help me in the medium turn, but I get NO immediate reward from doing them.

Care to defend that statement?

Do you mean the part about getting no immediate reward from doing those activities? What I mean by that is that while I'm doing those activities and afterwards I just feel emotionally raw and uncomfortable. It may take a long time before a positive feedback loop gets set up: 1. do activity 2. feel good/proud/satisfied/pleased afterwards. Yes, there may be benefits that I will get from those activities that may be noticeable in the medium term, but not in the short term IME.

[flowmom]

For every activity you listed you should also list the 'next action' that'll allow you to actually do it. As opposed to saying I need to meditate, you should say I need to get up half an hour early to medidate for example. Break down complex projects/activities into smaller bite sized chunks and live in the solution, not in the problem. I do this at work and I know I have to do the same for myself.

I am a fan of David Allen's work and know a lot about productivity theory after years of unsuccessfully struggling with my procrastination issues. I know the HOW of productivity and that's not the problem for me. The problem for me is getting out of my head and DOING. My problem with DOING is probably a combination of ADHD/perfectionism/emotional blocks.

[alice444]

Flow- I am no expert on DB, but I have a lot of second AND first-hand knowledge of depression that has come with feelings similar to what you're describing, and just want to say that even though it may not feel like it's helping you, it is. Somewhere in your brain, maybe a part that's a little dormant and needs a kickstart, you are collecting these activity experiences and it's building postive stuff, I'm sure of it. Keep plugging away, even if it just feels like going through the motions- I know your feelings well and could write volumes about it.

My other belief - from personal experience and doing a lot of thinking about it- is that when you do *anything* distracting that gives your brain a break from its depressing or anxious thoughts and worries, that that time provides a little bit of healing. It doesn't matter if you feel bad again right when you stop- if you can do something to distract- better yet, temporarily lose yourself like in a good book or movie, I have always felt like it heals you a tiny bit - gives your brain the rest it needs to keep going and get stronger. Not a great analogy, but you know how doctors sometimes keep brain injury patients in a medically-induced coma to give the brain time to heal? I'm not suggesting anyone drug themselves, but those little distractions that take you out of that bad place for a little while help, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Hug to you-

[flowmom]

Somewhere in your brain, maybe a part that's a little dormant and needs a kickstart, you are collecting these activity experiences and it's building postive stuff, I'm sure of it.

Oh, I'm sure that's true. But it's a painful process.

My other belief - from personal experience and doing a lot of thinking about it- is that when you do *anything* distracting that gives your brain a break from its depressing or anxious thoughts and worries, that that time provides a little bit of healing. It doesn't matter if you feel bad again right when you stop- if you can do something to distract- better yet, temporarily lose yourself like in a good book or movie, I have always felt like it heals you a tiny bit - gives your brain the rest it needs to keep going and get stronger.

I think that's true, but unfortunately I haven't found that activities DO distract me. Still can't turn the brain and the raw emotions off. I've found myself sobbing during runs, sobbing during yoga, sobbing during shopping trips. Movies do distract me and I've found that helpful...but that's not really GAL.

Reading what I've just written, maybe I'm more depressed than I realize

[alice444]

I understand it's painful, I do. Like I said, I've been at the bottom of the pit before, more than once. It is SO hard to drag your butt up and take a step, let alone keep doing it when it doesn't feel like anything is getting better.

I'm so sad to think of you sobbing during all those times, how much pain you are in. :-(

I don't know, I'm counting movies- particularly going to one by myself and eating and seeing whatever I want to- as GAL. ;-)

I find during my worst depression only a very few activities can really do the trick- mostly the "escape" ones like an intense (but not sad) movie or thrilling book. But sometimes even those don't work. Depression is so insidious and can take on a life of its own (as you probably know). One of the best things my therapist ever said to me (though I can't always remember it when I need to) was "when you succumb (or get stuck in helplessness, etc), you are letting the depression ROB you of peace and contentment, both of which you have a right to". I don't know about you, but if someone tried to rob me, I'd fight back, get angry and possibly hit them. ;-). TOTALLY easier said than done, totally. But every once in awhile that statement gets in my brain, if only for a second, to remind me...

{{{{{{to you}}}}}}}

[kara]

(((Flo)))

You are still early in the game. The sobbing will subside with time. It is grief that is manifesting itself and you have to work through it. There is no way through it but through it. It is hard to be productive where you are at and it is worst for a procrastinator. I should know because I am one. It is only a few months ago that I really got back on the top of my game at work and started focusing clearly all day long.

Flo, depending on the type of yoga you practice you can really get in touch with mind and spirit and it is no wonder that tears could flow (with a "w" :)). Pehaps something more energetic like power walking, running or boxercise would help? In the early days of my sitch I ran and getting out in the fresh air really helped. I did yoga to calm me down as well.


Wishing you the best , Flo.

[CityGirl]

Clinical depression and anxiety disorders are very difficult things to deal with. I have dealt with both and my anxiety was eventually diagnosed as a situational panic disorder. If you are experiencing more than "normal" anxiety (by that I mean flat out panic attacks) I would highly advise you to see a psychiatrist as you might need more than Zoloft. Zoloft is an antidepressant and while each course of therapy is different, for people with actual anxiety disorders is usually the base of the treatment. I understand we ALL have anxiety during the ordeal of being left but an actual anxiety/panic disorder like I had/have is hell. Looking back I have no idea how I survived for as long as I did without medical intervention. I am not discounting your anxiety at all. I simply am saying if it has reached an above "normal" state please see a dr.

I wonder if your procrastination issues are linked to your desire to not have things change? Right now your H is supporting you financially and if you do begin to earn enough money to live on that will change. And maybe you don't want that to change because it means your H will be less linked in your life.

You said your office/desk was a mess and not a comfortable place to work. I think you said that last week or the week before. What have you done to make it more appealing? I understand you wanted new paint and carpet but if that is not doable now what have you done to make it workable for the time being?

About that annoying paperwork... why not demand of yourself 15-20 minutes of "desk time" each day or night to tackle the annoying paperwork? Set a timer and work on it for the allotted time then put it away until the next day.

We are all resistant to change, especially when we are told things are going to change no matter what we want or feel. IMO you seem to have so many internal battles with yourself. I think we all can relate. An example would be feeling like medication is evil because you were raised in a different way. I am certainly not trying to start a debate about alternative medicine but if alternative medication was the answer wouldn't hit have helped by now? If it has not then it's time to move on to a new potential solution so some of the changes you have to make might be easier.

You had also said that it's hard for you to meet and accept new people because of age or parental status. Yet you also say you need to GAL and expand your social network. I do think you need to expand your social network and maybe one goal should be to expand it beyond the type of person you think would be most like you.

Don't get me wrong. I know this is hard. It's brutal. If you are experiencing clinical depression or an anxiety disorder it is 10 million times worse. I really had to learn to set limits with myself. You know you are good at the thinking/planning part of life you just need to learn to execute daily and yes, execution will mean change.

Human beings are terribly resistant to change and it's a tremendous amount of work. Break it down in small doses until you meet some very small goals then try and expand.

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, how're you doing today?

I want you to know that last time my STBX walked out on me I built up my W's image in mind as someone who was a victim and someone I did wrong. I took all the blame upon myself and I was sobbing and was miserable no matter how hard I tried to move on. However, after a while it did get a lot better when I started to see things more clearly. Do you think you're sobbing because you miss your husband, or because you miss someone (since you're not used to the void - none of us are) or because you're afraid of the unknown or because you feel something good is now ruined etc? I think it's important for you to know the reason.

I hope you're finding the strength to stand tall and keep GAL'ing. You're a good woman.

[flowmom]

This quotation feels a propos:

"Unless a tree has borne blossoms in spring, you will vainly look for fruit on it in autumn."
-- Hare Charles

[Coach]

"Unless a tree has borne blossoms in spring, you will vainly look for fruit on it in autumn."
-- Hare Charles

"Grass doesn't grow where you pee on it."

Change your thoughts and you can change your emotions.

Google Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimisim.