EVERYTHING will be on WAW's terms, do not pursue, work your 180's, and don't be at her beck and call.
I guess this is what I do not understand. How do you seperate the fact that it has to be on her terms and yet not get walked all over? I do not think she is walking all over me, but based ont he things I have been reading on here, neither does anybody in my position.
I have learned not to pursue. I have done a pretty good job of doing what needs to be done around the house and fixing the things in me that need changed. I also recognize that right now it is her that is holding any progress up. She needs to deal with some issues herself and I am tryling like hell to stay out of it and keep our son out of the house at least a few times a week for a few hours so she can be alone and work out some of her issues.
One of the biggest things I have learned is when I want to tell her I love her, I DO!!!! But only in my head. I picture her in my head and I tell her I love her and I hope she finds what she is looking for. It really helps me anyway.
How do I not be at her beck and call? If she asks me to do something around the house, don't I do it? I have done better about the IM'ing. If she IM's me at work, I give short answers and let it go. I have noticed that she has instigated IM me more. So I think what I have done already is working and I need to keep it up. But, what about housework and other things going on? Should we be talking about dinner plans and that sort of thing? This is the confusing point. It is natural to call and ask about these things, but do I wait for her to call? What happens if I go get something to eat and then she calls and says why did you not wait for us? I guess that qualifies as a "What if.." though doesn't it?
And what do you mean about doing 180's? This is very confusing and I have seen it all over the web site and it was in the book, I am just not following. Help me figure this out.
Had a bad night last night. Our S4 has a very difficult time gonig to bed every night. He will only let W put him to bed. Mostly becasue he can manipulate her. Well it had been getting better becasue I suggested to her that if he starts acting up to put him in bed and leave the room. Well, for some reason she broke down yesterday and started screaming at him like she used to. I absolutly HATE THIS!!!!! I get infuriated when she yells at him. So now I am on my way upstairs to seperate them and before I get up there she slams his door to his room and then the door to the room she is sleeping in these days. He is wailing like someone shot him and she is in bed under the blanket sulking. I talk with S4 and get him settled down and in bed for the night. He is upset because he knows that mommy is upset and he knows he did it. He keeps apologizing and crying then i get him settled again and in bed. I then go in the room to see if she is ok and if she is comming downstairs. She says, "no" and nothing else. So I close the door and go downstairs for the evening.
Why does the yelling get me upset? My father did it!!!! It is unproductive and just turns off the person you are yelling at and pisses everyone off. Not to mention makes you look like an arse, especially when you are an adult yelling at a 4 year old. I figure she is not just yelling at him but what is it. I think since she did not have a good upbringing that maybe her mom used to yell at her and that is what she learned and that is what she does.
Mothers out there, what do I do. I am worried on many levels. One, is she OK? Another, Is she going to hurt my boy? Or, what does this mean to me? Is she pissed at me and taking it out on him? I am woried!!!! Also, how do I approach her and let her know that this is not right and it is not acceptable behavior for a 39 year old woman? In our delicate relationship, what does that do to us? But I need to protect me and my boy. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!
Mothers out there, what do I do. I am worried on many levels. One, is she OK? Another, Is she going to hurt my boy? Or, what does this mean to me? Is she pissed at me and taking it out on him? I am woried!!!! Also, how do I approach her and let her know that this is not right and it is not acceptable behavior for a 39 year old woman? In our delicate relationship, what does that do to us? But I need to protect me and my boy. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!
The reason behind her screaming at the child is probably all of the above. She is not able to handle him and she will hurt him emotionally by this treatment. She has to be told that it is not acceptable and will not be tollerated. It is a form of abuse! I am not sure what to tell you how to deal with her, but you certainly will have to be in charge. You may have to insist on some family C or else you get advice from a C about how to deal with this.
Maybe some of the other women will chime in here and have some advice for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wish I could say well, Sandi. Have not been in a very good mood and have been contemplating many things. I talked with W Tuesday because things have taken a step backwards. We were talking well and interacting fine, but here has been something there stirring up the tension again. So I met her at a local park to talk. I asked her what was going on and she said that she felt like she felt uncomfortable when she would come home at night. I asked why and she said she does not know. I know her and this means she knows but will not say. But we got down to the fact that she does not have the same feelings about me that she used to have. I nicely said ,duh!!! I told her I am not the same person I was 2 months ago. She said I know, I have been impressed by the change. I thanked her and said that I never want to be the person I used to be. I have learned and grown more in the last month and 1/2 than I have in my entire life.
I know what the problem is. She is still hurt by the things I did and she is afraid to open herself up to the hurt if she does and I go back to the person I used to be. I do not blame her, but how can I convince her that it is not the way it is gonig to be. I think we cleared a huge hurdle, as she does not want to leave, but at the same time I am not suer she is ready to start working on things. She is sort of, but very hesitant as she is afraid of being hurt again. How do we get past these problems? It really is the only thing I see as blocking reconciliation. But it is a huge obstacle. What should I do? I am not so sure time and space is the answer.
I'm not an expert.............but I've been told by those that know: Actions speak louder than words. You cannot "convince" her of anything. She has to see for herself. She has to watch. She has to learn who you are now. Maybe try pulling back a bit on the talk about R and your marriage. Enjoy being together and "comfortable" for now. If you KNOW she is uncomfortable about opening up for (possibly)more pain----then you need to do more to show her that that won't happen again......just saying. I don't know your history, or what the issues are, but try to address what her concerns are---either by being transparent/open or being a better listener----whatever it takes, without pushing.
It sounds like good things are happening. Don't push. Keep showing her you are a better person---that the changes you have made are permanent and she will get "why" that is......hang in there.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I hope you are right ThisCan'tBTheEnd. I have 180'ed my whole life, there are still things I am working on changing, and I feel good. For teh first time I think in my life I am truly happy and I want to share it with the person who sacraficed so much to keep our family togetehr until the day she had finally had enough. But when she left it made me take inventory of my life and I realized what I had done and what she had done and I made a change on the spot for the better. I do enjoy being comfortable, but it is hard for me to not want more. I want things to be at least as good as the best time I can remember. I want to start with the best time and go up from there. I want to address the concerns she has, which was my intention of the Tuesday talk. I even asked if it would help to go back to counseling to get it out in the open, and she said no, that she would not be able to talk to them either. Any suggestions on how to get concerns out tehre to deal with? I have no problem dealing with these things now, I feel I am strong enough finally. And I do not want to push, like you said.
Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
It sounds like good things are happening. Don't push. Keep showing her you are a better person---that the changes you have made are permanent and she will get "why" that is......hang in there.
So in your opinion, from what you know from this thread you think things are progressing OK? I am tryign not to push and that is hard, butt he ersults will be worth it. I am just worried about going through all this and getting to what I think is the end and she is not there or she has used the time I gave her to find someone else. I guess I just do not wnat to lose my wife. We did have an incredible relationship once. I really scr3#$d the puch on this one!!!
She is still in the house? She has not filed for D? She notices changes in you? She only backs off when you push? I think all of those answers are yes (correct me if I'm wrong). If so, things sound great! It gets a lot worse, believe me.
Take all of the advice given here---do not push (really, really, really----listen to this one), keep working on you (sounds like you are doing great with that too!). Give her the space she seems to need now and DON'T push. She is most likely at a point where she is questioning herself right now and needs to do some soul searching of her own-----but don't acknowledge that as a possibility (as in---don't tell her you think you know what she's thinking....or going through..). You might want to check out some of the MLC resources (I may be wrong, but it may be a possibility).
If you continue to make the changes in you, she will notice. If she is going through something of a life change herself it may be awhile before she is ready to recommit (maybe a LONG time). PLEASE be patient. You will read here many times-----be the "lighthouse" be that person she wants to go to when she's ready, if she's ready.
If you are serious about standing for your marriage, this is all you can do. You do not have control over anyone else but yourself---this is something you have to beat into your brain.
Be the lighthouse!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
